I wouldn’t have gone anyway…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s random dictionary words are: gurrah, gurl, gurnard, gurry, gunter, and montem.
Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. He may turn up wearing fake spectacles with a plastic nose attached; you must not draw attention to, or comment on this.

So, very early Sunday morning, a metallic clatter and a thwap on the door-mat – something had been pushed through the letter box. It turned out to be a badly printed menu card with grease stains on it. On the back was scrawled a note from my friend Stella, who you may know from her pithy criticisms of my drawings and pastels that I occasionally document on these pages.
It said, ‘Hi David – I really thought that I would have seen you at Simon and Tony’s surrealist banquet last night – I can’t believe that they didn’t invite you! (Simon Doom and Tony Mayonnaise, poets from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League) It was great!… I’m just walking back home from the hospital… You missed a real treat!..’


Bloody beetroot on well-thrashed pumpernickel.
Bamboo chunks in glow-in-the-dark custard (cupboard under the stairs).
Levitating sheep’s eyes in an ethereal white sugar mist.
Thick sweet slug trails on burnt black toast.
Jars of strawberry jam smashed against a pyramid of hot meaty cow bones.
Caraway seed and spider omelette – Mm!…
Stinking broth with floating wooden doorknobs.
Sugary plum stone and eggshell crunch.
Cornflake packet cardboard hexagons with steaming butter and honey dip.
Optimistic dark prunes and nervous pale apple slices.
Bottom-feeder macaroons ignoring snooty coconut rings.
Erupting gravy volcano in a sea of blazing bobbing chipolatas.
Live wasps in transparent sugar cubes – only one per guest.
Sardine trifle surprise. (use tongs!)
Yellow plastic duck and ping-pong ball stir-fry.
Whole roast crocodile on a spit – help with the basting! (in the outhouse)
Colourful guitar pick layer cake.
Pickled onions and winkles in brown ale.
Raw liver and blood sausage pillow fight – 9 pm in the attic.
Verb, adjective, and noun spicy mix.
Slices of boomerang in golden batter – you’ll come back for more!
Soft green moss discs balanced on erect steaming hotdogs.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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