Doom in the small hours…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s heraldic term is ‘punning arms’ – the same as ‘canting of arms’. (C of A)
I once had my arms canted, but I found it really uncomfortable and had them changed back again.

When the phone rings in the middle of the night and wakes me up, it is usually either Simon Doom or Tony Mayonnaise, both night owls and late risers, and both annoying poets from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. This morning it was 3.46 when Doom phoned to tell me that he couldn’t sleep, because his head was buzzing with science… ‘Bugger off!’, I said and put the phone down…
Of course he rang straight back and explained that he had been reading a copy of the Bedside Book of Physics that he’d bought very cheaply from a remainder bookshop, and that he’d been inspired to invent the ‘battery of voltaic cells spoem’, and also to write one of them, (a spoem is a ‘spoof poem’).
He went on to explain that just as dissimilar metals in an electrolyte produce a flow of electrons, alternate lines of pithy contrasting imagery on a white page will generate ‘aesthetic current’ which can be detected as ‘artistic voltage’ across the anode and cathode, which are of course the first and last words of the spoem…
‘That’s wonderful’, I said, and put the phone down again. When he phoned back he ordered me to straightway get a pen and paper as he was about to dictate his new composition, adding that I should be very careful as I write the last word down, as the paper might actually burst into flames, with a puff of super-heated vowels… Doom is an idiot…

Spiteful steel, scrape nail, blood cut, flint graze,
Teddy bear,
Sharp sliver, scald bump, squeal mouse, jolt bone upset,
Warm pandas,
Clatter din, lash grit wetness, ice knife, needle prick.
Cosy softness,
Bruise iron, concussion rock, snap twig, spring-shock memory,
Purring kittens,
Hot jab, rust barb, shatter stone impact, gasp stun twitching,
Sir Cliff Richard,
Spark bite, foetid moist shoe, moribund oak anxiety,
Mould chafe, grime touch, sweat pillow, cramp limb melancholy,
Pretty bubbles,

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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