Ugg’s fruit and stuff…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s reptile is the one smiling and pretending to be nice behind the counter at the NatWest bank.

‘What Lugg?’
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m just sorting out my fruit.’
‘Your fruit?’
‘Yes, my fruit, and my dried mammoth steaks.’
‘Hey Ugg!… Where did all that stuff come from?’
‘Oh, people brought it round for me…’
‘What people?’
‘Just people… Big Chugg and Little Chugg… Fugg and his girlfriend Smugg… and there was Bugg and…’
‘Hang on! Hang on!…’
‘What’s going on Ugg? Why are people coming to our cave and giving you all this good stuff?’
‘Sorry Lugg, I can’t tell you…’
‘What do you mean, you can’t tell me?!’
‘It’s private and confidential.’
‘What!… I don’t like the sound of this!’
‘What makes you say that Lugg? Does it make you feel uncomfortable in some way?’
‘Speaking of ‘uncomfortable’ Ugg, would you like to feel the blunt side of my stone axe across your head?’
‘Er… no, not really Lugg.’
‘Well what Lugg?… Ouch!…’
‘Oh alright… It all started a few days ago.’
‘Yes, do you remember when Zugg was helping disembowel last week’s mammoth, and it rolled over and he got stuck under it?’
‘Of course, it was very funny – oh, how he screamed!…’
‘Well, after we finished laughing and we dug him out I asked him if he was alright…’
‘Did you Ugg?… And?…’
‘Well, he started to go on and on about it, all the details, and what he thought about as he was stuck there listening to us laughing… I couldn’t stop him, I just sat there next to him pretending to listen, and trying not to laugh…’
‘Do get on with it Ugg!’
‘When he finally finished talking and sobbing, he thanked me for listening to him, and the next morning he came round to the cave with a nice chunk of dried roast hog, and his sister.’
‘His sister?’
‘Yes, his sister Qugg – she wanted to talk to me.’
‘What about?’
‘I can’t remember, I wasn’t really listening… something about her boyfriend Spugg I think.’
‘And what did you say Ugg?’
‘I didn’t say anything… It was like when Zugg came out from under the mammoth, I just sat and nodded, and tried not to laugh. I think she liked me not laughing Lugg.’
‘And she went away happy, and came back later with armfuls of fruit and stuff.’
‘And all the other people?’
‘Yes, they heard about it and wanted to talk at me too – I’ve been quite busy while you’ve been out catching and killing things.’
‘Yes, I think I prefer staying in the cave, rather than all that running about and blood and guts stuff that you like…’
‘Yes, I suppose… You know Ugg… I think I might stay in with you tomorrow…’
‘Oh, Lugg, I don’t think that would be a very good idea, it might be… Ouch!… Oh, alright then, but you mustn’t laugh…’

And so psychiatry was invented…

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in archeology, brain, conversation, drama, existentialism, food, history, humour, learning, people, story, surrealism and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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