Mayonnaise on the train…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s existential angst is centred around the sound of the word ‘meme’.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yesterday afternoon I was heading towards the Dulltown shopping centre walking past the entrance to the railway station when Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, came slouching out through one of the doors and almost knocked me over. He slapped me hard on the back like a long-lost friend and announced that he had just been to Leeds on the train; I could smell strong beer on his breath.
When I asked why he had been to Leeds he said that there was no reason at all really, but when he had popped into Ye Olde White Harte pub for a quick pint earlier he had found a pair of unused return tickets for Leeds on the floor under the table, and thought that it was his God-given duty to make use of them. I suggested that he could have handed in them in to the bar staff in case their owner should come back for them, but he looked at me as if I was an idiot, and then laughed in my face…
He ranted on about how he had omitted to get some beer for the outward journey and had to sit next to two grey suited business men smelling of deodorant and nervous sweat, and had to listen to their stupid business chat for a full hour without the benefit of alcohol. I suggested that he should have read them some of his poetry and that that would have made them get up and find alternative seats pretty sharpish, but Mayo, missing my attempt at humour, just said that it would have been pearls before swine, and that they were obviously impervious to any kind of culture… He said that he had managed to write a spoem (spoof poem) during the trip though, and had included some of the businessmen’s phrases in it. He said he got the idea from reading the ‘overheard snatches of cafe conversation’ on my blog – I’m not sure I like the idea of Mayo pinching my ideas!…

Unction unction function junction blah!…
Luncheon truncheon eon eon eon…
Office traffic file girl meeting agenda delay Peter.
Bamlats mullitor fettler chom-chom!

Morse horse Morse horse dose hoarse blah!…
Medallion spaniel trammel ham eon…
Just take that that that out of the account Peter.
Zeppalto pomtale soom chom-chom!

Dinghy ring dinghy ring spring dingy blah!…
Rough chuff bluff rough chuff bluff eon…
As soon as you step down onto the platform Peter.
Quamp hittal jemmick gooth chom-chom!

Trees manganese trees breeze cheese please Blah!…
Tesco metro Tesco metro eon…
You can pull it together in three weeks Peter.
Culpy brantz culpy tanky culpy chom-chom!

Hammered hammerhead bedstead head blah!…
Mullion onion mullion onion eon eon eon…
Those gammon orders came through at last Peter.
Vanilion vom tackta-tackta chom-chom.

Tony Mayonnaise. 2015.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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