But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s English towns with unpleasant names are Retford and Slough.

‘Yes Dear?’
‘Mummy, are we… just tubes?…’
‘Tubes Dear?’
‘…and by ‘we’ do you mean you and me?’
‘No, no, all of us humans… and all the animals too…’
‘Well, what a strange question… Do you think that we are all just tubes?’
‘Would you like to enlarge on that Dear?’
‘Alright, at one end we have mouths, and at the other end we have our bums…’
‘Yes Dear?…’
‘We put stuff in at one end, suck out what is useful to us, and push the remains out the other…’
‘Well yes Dear, but I wouldn’t call us just tubes.’
‘Oh, I’m not saying that that’s all we are, we have our brains too.’
‘So, why do you think that we have brains Dear?’
‘I think brains evolved to help us look for food, for our tubes – the ones without very good brains starved… the ones with the better brains survived and multiplied…’
‘Have you been reading clever books again Dear?’
‘No Mum, I thought of this all by myself… I thought of it when I was sitting on the toilet.’
‘That’s very clever of you – have you developed your idea any further?’
‘Yes, I was thinking about two-dimensional beings who live on a flat surface, such as a piece of paper…’
‘They wouldn’t be like us three-dimensional people with our tubes.’
‘Oh?… Why not Dear?’
‘Because they couldn’t eat things, process them, and excrete them like we do.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because if they had a digestive tube running through them, being two-dimensional they’d fall apart into two separate pieces! I did get that from a book though…’
‘Yes Dear, but what if they were sticky two-dimensional beings?’
‘Yes, if they were sticky they could open their mouths, enclose some food, close up again, and later open up at the other end to push the remains out…’
‘Gosh Mum! You’re right! I hadn’t thought of that… they could live nibbling up fullstops and tasty commas off their page… I must ponder on that…’
‘Before you go off pondering Dear, would you like to consume, process, and later on excrete, some protein, fat, and carbohydrate?’
‘Yes Mum, alright…’
‘How about some baked beans on toast with some melted cheese on top?’
‘Oh, yes please!’
‘While I do the toast and heat up the beans, have a think what the digestive system of a four-dimensional being might be like…’
‘Gosh Mum!…’


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in books, brain, conversation, cool, existentialism, food, humour, information, learning, surrealism, thinking, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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