Mayonnaise and the tiny pens…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s random dictionary words are: keeshond, kemple, kerseymere, keddah, killut, and bilboes.
Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Mrs Mouldie (Professor Mouldie is apparently staying in a monastery for a week) first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Mrs Mouldie may be dressed in hunting clothes and carrying a riding crop, there will be no smirking.

I could hear the shouting coming from the open door of the betting shop as I walked past. I recognised one high-pitched voice as being that of Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. Later he explained that he had been sitting on a nearby low wall enjoying a can of supermarket lager and jotting down a new spoem (‘spoof poem’ as he calls his work) when his pen ran out of ink in the middle of the final stanza. (I asked him what a stanza was, but he said that he didn’t really know.) He decided to slip into the betting shop, ‘because they always have those funny little pens freely available’ to acquire a replacement. He was immediately informed by a member of staff, a wide chap taking the air in the doorway, that alcohol was not allowed on the premises. Mayo apparently told the wide chap that he should, ‘straightway fuck off’ and that he was only popping in for a free pen. Rowdiness ensued as other staff members joined in in support of their wide colleague. Mayo retaliated by shouting out his then incomplete spoem at them, which made them even madder.

Nib nab nub nose nose rumba,
Cubs cops caps nose nose toast,
Fit fat fop nose nose relentlessness,
Cap cup cop nice nice peppermint.

Ban bum bin nose nose antelope,
Tin tan ton nose nose waltz,
Pan pun pen nose nose wallet,
Rib rub rod nice nice bobbins.

Hum hub hob nose nose pork,
Lob log leg rose rose trammel,
Sin sun son nose nose fortitude,
Wan win won nice nice shudder.

Gut get god nose nose butterfly,
Mid man mad noise noise trouser,
Hop hid hip nose nose miserable,
Bang bang bang nose nose blood.

Tony Mayonnaise. 2015.


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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