Mm… now that’s mellow!…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s architectural term is Pseudo-Dipteral. In classical architecture it is a temple planned to be dipteral, but lacking the inner range of columns.
Damn! I knew I shouldn’t have skimped on the inner range of columns – everyone points and sneers at my temple now.

‘Can I help you sir?’
‘Yes please, I think I’d like to buy an electric guitar.’
‘Oh, yes? As you can see we have plenty of those – what kind of music will you be playing on it sir?’
‘Ah… right…’
‘Oh, nothing… You’ll be wanting a guitar that sounds like a saxophone then.’
‘Will I?’
‘Oh yes, jazzers hate the crisp clear expressive sound of the electric guitar, they usually turn the tone knob right down to get it as close to the sound of a saxophone as possible.’
‘Why is that then?’
‘Well, just imagine if you played in a jazz outfit that comprised, oh, saxes, a trumpet, a piano, stand up bass… possibly a vibraphone…’
‘A vibraphone?…’
‘Yes, now they’re really mellow! Imagine you are in this band, and you turned up at rehearsal with a Fender Telecaster and an AC30 – now Telecasters, they cut through, like a knife through ‘ot butter.’
‘…’ot butter?…’
‘Oh yes, a lovely crisp bell-like sound is the ‘tele’ – they’re marvellous!’
‘…and for the jazz band?’
‘No, no… all those mellow instrument players would be severely embarrassed and annoyed – they’d be cast back into their fluffy reedy dark corner, as it were. They’d hate it – and it’d just sound wrong…’
‘Yes, wouldn’t fit in at all – no way Jose…’
‘How did you guess that my name was…?’
‘I don’t suppose you be at all into heavy distortion, feedback, tapping, and dive-bombing?… Not with the stand up bass and vibraphone there and all…’
‘I don’t suppose so, but perhaps if I turned the tone down a little I… Do you have any nice mellow Gibson archtops in stock? I don’t see any in your display…’
‘Of course sir, you have finally seen through my playful ploy… We have all the jazz guitars in a separate area, we call it the ‘widdle room’. Come this way… Oh, listen… you can hear someone playing in there right now… Ah, there he is, running up and down those deliberately difficult scales, and he has such a wonderfully woolly tone on that very expensive guitar… what a bloody waste…’
‘Yes, it does sound rather good doesn’t it?’
‘Oh, did you catch that descending ladder, that bubbling cascade, of very awkward and obscure chords? They were like sparkling diamonds, but snug inside their thick woolen socks…’
‘Oh, that’s just the sort of thing I’m after… It’s so cool!…’
‘Cool sir?’
‘You know sir, sometimes I hate my job… Please step this way…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in architecture, art, brain, conversation, cool, guitars, humour, information, music, style, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s