What? No coconut macaroons?…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s rather weak Victorian expletive is Oh Blankity Blank! – hardly worth bothering to utter at all…

‘Good morning sir. What can I get for you today?’
‘Right, yes… A regular cappuccino, a pot of green tea, and a…’
‘On your cappuccino sir?’
‘Er… I’m not sure, it’s not for me you see, I…’
‘Well sir, I’m sorry but that’s not quite good enough, you should know what you want!’
‘You heard me!…’
‘Look here, if you want to encourage people to come into your coffee shop, you should be a bit more pleasant and…’
‘Not my coffee shop! No way Josie!…’
‘Josie?… Don’t you mean Jose, as in ho-say?…’
‘I know who I mean!… Do you want chocolate on your cap. or not? Hurry up I’m busy!’
‘No you’re not, the place is almost empty… Oh, I see you have a nun working behind the counter.’
‘Yes, she’s one of the special order of barista sisters. Now, you dolt, what about that chocolate?…’
‘Dolt? That’s a bit old-fashioned isn’t it?’
‘It might be, but you’ve got to keep using them or they eventually die out.’
‘I suppose so… and a coconut macaroon please.’
‘We don’t do macaroons any more, coconut or otherwise… you great flustered owl!’
‘Listen, I’m getting bored with this, perhaps your sister could take my order instead?’
‘I haven’t got a sister… you dented cracknel!’
‘You know whom I mean… you sad tangled skein!…’
‘Skein eh? Nice! She’s sticking strictly to her vow of silence these days, so…’
‘Good god!… Look… just get my coffee and tea… and let’s have a bit less of this stupid banter… you bismuth barnyard!…’
‘What about a coconut ring instead of the macaroon sir? That’s just the sort of thing that a toffee-faced blaggard like you would have.’
‘You turncoat rapscallion!… I suppose she’s limited to washing up and clearing the tables then?’
‘Yes… or rather, no…’
‘No, we have ‘post-it notes’… She communicates in writing. Do you know that you have a face like a fifty shilling piss-pot?’
‘Yes, I do… and I will have a coconut ring… You barmpot bottom-feeder!’
‘Would you like it heated up? It’ll only take a minute or so… you teardrop on a torn tissue!’
‘You are a turbot’s withered twin!…’
‘You’ve got an arse like a…’
‘Excuse me sir, I’ve just spotted a spillage at table six.’
‘Hey! Come back! You squealing piglet in a suitcase!’
‘Alright sir… I’ll get Misty to clear it up after her break.’
‘Sister Misty?…’
‘Yes, and why not? You small stain on a polyester throw! By the way…’
‘Chocolate on you cappuccino sir?’
‘Look, I told you… Just hang on a minute… Hey! Stella!’
‘Chocolate on your cappuccino?’
‘Fuck off!…’
‘Right… No thank you barista, no chocolate on the cappuccino…’
‘There you are then sir – a reg. cap., a pot of green, and a c-ring. That will be six pounds and forty-three pence please… you throbbing knot on a short plank!…’
‘Here’s seven quid, keep the change, you rank goat in a posh lift!… And another word from you and I’ll send my friend Stella over to sort you out…’
‘Have a nice day… Enjoy…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, existentialism, expletives, food, Grumpiness, history, humour, information, style, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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