Looking up his nose online…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s fine old-fashioned insult is ‘blithering idiot’.

‘Isaac Newton, he had a very intelligent nose…’
‘Eh?… An ‘intelligent’ nose?’
‘Noses aren’t intelligent…’
‘You think not?’
‘No… I mean yes I do…’
‘How so?…’
‘What do you mean “how so?”… They are just bits of… of floppy flesh, for breathing through and smelling things.’
‘Yes, but the shape…’
‘What about it?’
‘Well, everyone knows that the shape of the nose demonstrates intelligence.’
‘Do they? Is it how big it is then?’
‘No, it’s more the subtlety of form, the size is irrelevant.’
‘Oh right…’
‘Einstein’s nose…’
‘What about it?’
‘I’ll bet he had a very intelligent nose…’
‘If you say so… What shape was it?’
‘I can’t actually recall at the moment, I’d have to look up his nose online… But…’
‘But what?’
‘But, I’ll bet even a little bit of Einstein’s nose would have more intelligence that the whole of your head…’
‘Which bit?’
‘Which bit of Albert’s nose?’
‘Well, let’s say the upper part of the right nostril or perhaps the columella.’
‘Hm, I don’t really think so… What about the aquiline shape of Sherlock Holmes’s nose?’
‘Aha! You are getting the idea now!’
‘So, how much of Sherlock Holmes’s nose would equal my whole brain do you think? By the way what does aquiline mean?’
‘Well, you used the word! I think it has something to do with birds.’
‘Birds? Birds don’t have noses, do they?’
‘They have beaks though… I would estimate about a third of his septum…’
‘Your brain, I reckon, on a good day, is about as bright as one-third of Holmes’s septum.’
‘Well that’s nice to know, but I still don’t see how the shape of the nose has anything to do with intelligence really… I can understand people having ‘cruel’ mouths, or ‘sexy’ eyes…’
‘Can you?’
‘Oh yes, regularly, but noses…’
‘Well let’s look at it biologically.’
‘Alright, let’s…’
‘Your brain is where it all goes on, isn’t it?’
‘And your eyes, your nose, and your mouth…’
‘And my ears.’
‘Yes, and your ears, those are all glued on to your head, and closely connected to the old brain ticking away inside.’
‘S’pose so…’
‘Well, it stands to reason, just think of them as extensions of your brain – thoughts leak backwards out along the wires, and, for better or worse, change the shape of your organs…’
‘The shape of my organs… How about Adolph Hitler?’
‘Oh, a boring little nose!’
‘Barry Manilow?’
‘A lovely dorsum, a towering intellect!’
‘Oh yes. Now try to picture George W. Bush’s’ nose.’
‘I can’t…’
‘Neither can I… How about another beer, I’m parched…’
‘Right ho…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, existentialism, history, humour, information, learning, observations, seeing, surrealism, thinking, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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