Mayonnaise amongst the products…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s specially featured arthropod is the Giant Lichen Orbweaver. (GLO)

As I was nipping into the supermarket yesterday for some carrots and onions I noticed Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, just coming out; he was looking particularly glum and was carrying a thin plastic carrier bag overloaded with what looked like a couple of six-packs of cheap lager. He looked up, spotted me, stumbled to a halt and announced in a mournful choking voice, ‘It’s all been done!… It’s all been, done!…’
‘What has?’ I foolishly enquired.
‘Fucking bastard poetry!… I mean, you can’t compete with raw bloody reality, can you Dave?’
He fixed me with his deep-set, but watery eyes and waited for me to respond…
I managed, ‘I suppose you can’t, can you?…’ and let that hang in the air for a moment, then added, ‘What’s brought all this on Tony?’ to give the impression that I was interested.
He pulled out a can from his bag, clicked it open, took a long swig, belched, and then explained that he had been wandering the supermarket shelves making notes of the names of the various products so that he could later use them to assemble a ‘DRMS’, a  ‘Duchampian ready-made spoem’ (‘spoem’ being a ‘spoof poem’), a groundbreaking new literary form which he said he had invented the day before. (D)
I tried to look impressed by raising my eyebrows for a moment…
‘Just look at this!’ he said and thrust a crumpled piece of paper into my hand, ‘It’s brilliant!… bloody brilliant!… I might as well give up!…’ He stared me in the eye again waiting for me to dissuade him, I was tempted to suggest that giving up poetry wasn’t such a bad idea, but I didn’t – you can’t really kick a man when he’s down… not even a poet…

Nip+Fab, Adios Quick-Slim, Yop, Melty Puffs.
Bigen, Air-Pillo, Gel Active Work, Gu, Sprite Zero…

Deli Cheese Accompaniments, Mexican Pulled Pork, Tri-Zone 2000.
Sensitive Pro-Relief, Men Expert, 360 Foot File, Glade Discreet…

Body Puff, Hydra Gel, Pukka Vitalise, Linen Fresh.
Jerk BBQ, Meaty Medley, Crunch Golden Dreams, Finger Foods…

Ambi Pur Freesia Bloom, Anti-Bac Lemon, Thermal Recovery.
Peppa Pig, Nurishment Original, N-Strike Reflex…

Light-Up Lion Stacker, Bounce House, Flavour-Seal.
Dreamies Mix, Dentacrunch, Nerf Slingstrike…

Tony Mayonnaise. 2015.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in advertising, art, brain, conversation, Dulltown, existentialism, expletives, food, humour, information, poetry, serendipity, style, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Mayonnaise amongst the products…

  1. julie harms says:

    Mayonnaise indeed ! 🙂

    ‘What’s brought all this on Tony?’ to give the impression that I was interested.’…..LOL !

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