Struggling with the wind and confused with the low, low price…

But first…
Dulltown,. Europe: Today’s architectural term is protomai capital – a capital (of a column) with half-figures, usually animals, projecting from its four corners.
I used to have a couple of protomai capitals, but I had to get rid of them, I didn’t like the look in the eyes of the monkeys and chimps.

Oh look, there’s another of those advertising features stapled into the middle of this week’s copy of that awful TV listings magazine What’s On TV. It says that they ‘have some special offers for readers of What’s On TV‘ – I don’t really ‘read’ What’s On TV, but I wonder if there is anything here in this supplement that might interest me?
Aha! How about a new electric drill? It’s red, and it does have a very attractive name – it’s the TruPro “X-Power” Cordless Drill – ‘It’s so powerful, do not get confused with the low, low price… This is the real thing… a monster of a drill. It’s an absolute must for the professional and the DIY-er alike… Take it anywhere…’ £17.99.
Yes, but before I get my cheque book out, let’s see what else is on offer. What about a Wind Releasing Umbrella? ‘If it’s not happened to you, then you must have seen some poor soul struggling with the wind…’ etc.
I see that they are still selling those Thermal Fleecy Pet Caves and the All-Weather Beating ShoeBoots that I mentioned in an earlier post, a very nice word is ‘ShoeBoots’…
How about a Real Leather Slim-Jim Multi Wallet which ‘Feels gorgeous to the touch and features an ingenious  pop-button fastening pocket.’ £4.99?
I don’t think that I’m quite ready for a ‘Simple-Sam’ Big Button Mobile Phone at £29.99 though, but hang on, these Arctic Polar Bear Snugglers on page 12 look very attractive. ‘While portraying the snowy Arctic and gorgeous Polar Bears with only muted blues and greys that blend together harmoniously, the snuggler with zipper and snaps, seals in warmth better than a blanket ever could.’ £7.49.
Speaking of things snuggly, how about a Snuggles Neck Warmer which features ‘lovely fashionable buttons… you’ll be beautifully snug, and warm as toastbergundy/black and Camel/brown.’ £7.49.
You know, it would be nice to have ‘everything there at my fingertips’, but I don’t really think I have room for a ‘beautifully crafted Rolling Trolley Multi-Table’ even though it does come with ‘EASI-GLIDE castors. Have you ever seen such Tremendous Value for such a quality exquisitely made product?’
Oh, I know what I’ll do, if I carefully ease these pages out from the magazine and open them up in the middle they will make a great liner for the bottom of my recycling bin, you do occasionally get an unpleasant drip from a poorly washed baked bean tin, or a plastic ready-meal curry tray…

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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