Mayonnaise on the stage…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s heraldic term is Complex Quartering. Quartering is the joining of several different coats of arms on one shield; complex quartering is where lots of coats of arms build up on a single shield and it gets really bloody messy. (Quartering)

I bumped into Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, yesterday. He seemed unusually chipper and enthusiastic, and he also smelled of strong spirits. He said that he’d just met a drunken, but very intelligent, avant-garde composer in Ye Olde White Harte pub, who happens to be currently going out with a very nice woman from the Arts Council, and so has just acquired funding for a new piece of work.
Mayo and this chap seem to have hit it off as kindred spirits and the chap has asked Mayo to be in a performance piece he is to put on in a trendy converted arch under the Metropolitan Line somewhere in London. He wants Mayo to repeatedly shout out one of his spoems (Mayo’s ‘spoof poems’) for half an hour while the chap, naked except for a hat (type undecided at present), jumps up and down and stamps about on a white-painted floor covered with black fold back bulldog clips, mouse traps, and blue balloons. There will be a recorded deep drone playing in the background. Apparently the show will be very generously funded, and if all goes well it will move to New York for two weeks in 2017. Mayo gave me a copy of the spoem he will be shouting, it is so far untitled:

Horse packet sulk thyme blister bad,
Mandible torch-peak tremble-tremble good,
Fog burst ruby icicle dome-chatter bad,
Caliper pig tent-bruise spin disaster good!

Quilt porpoise poor puss tinkle-tinkle bad,
Starch-rod stuff metronome puffy upset good,
Blackguard mouse slip totter-totter flock bad,
Wetness bush abacus scream draught-pocket good!

Fruity gamelan sadness trunk-pots knot bad,
Leather taste-basket filigree mountains good,
Soup-soup dripping palm-toe angular docket bad,
Felon racket date-gun date-gun probability good!

Cricket dance-bonnet murmurs palanquin dust good,
Yellow-yellow bassinet word-mongrel ash dig bad,
Departure cart pimple monolith cheese-bow good,
Red book queasiness foam-foam cup torpor bad!

Tony Mayonnaise. 2016.


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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