The caulking applicator…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s Sir Arthur Conan Doyle quotation is from A Study in Scarlet:
Holmes: ‘There has been murder done, and the murderer was a man. He was more than six feet high, was in the prime of life, had small feet for his height, wore coarse square-toed boots and smoked a Trichinopoly cigar. He came here with his victim in a four-wheeler cab, which was drawn by a horse with three old shoes and one new on his off fore leg. In all probability the murderer had a florid face, and the finger-nails of his right hand were remarkably long. These are only a few indications, but they may assist you.’

‘Now sir, what can I do for you this bright sunny spring morning?’
‘Er, it’s raining… and also it’s afternoon.’
‘I don’t care… What can I do for you… sir?’
‘It’s this caulking applicator that I…’
‘This what?’
‘This caulking applicator that I bought from you yesterday afternoon…’
‘What do you mean “no”?’
‘That cannot be. We do not sell them.’
‘I think that you’ll find that you do.’
‘Will I indeed? Have you caulked with it at all?’
‘No, not at all, it’s pristine… clean as a whistle.’
‘As a whistle?’
‘Hm, I’ve seen a few dirty whistles in my time… sir.’
‘I dare say, but I would like a refund, if it’s not too much trouble.’
‘Are you sure you haven’t caulked? Not even a little bit?’
‘No… As I said, I…’
‘I’ve met your sort before. On what grounds do you think a refund could be justified? Look, I see a speck of dried caulk on it – see, just there, near the trigger…’
‘That’s where you’ve just had your finger on it, it’s a spot of cream of chicken soup, your lunch I suspect – you scoundrel…’
‘Hm… Scoundrel eh? Did you keep your receipt? You slug in a matchbox!’
‘What!… Er, yes, here it is… see… you, you, vagabond in a taxi!’
‘This is a bus ticket.’
‘No it’s not, you full-faced arthropod on a bike!’
‘Listen here, you Möbius strip on a slice of pale toast, how much do you say the applicator was anyway?’
‘Nineteen-ninety-nine, you… Trump-haired buffoon!’
‘Ha! That doesn’t sound like one of our prices, perhaps you bought it elsewhere… you rosy-cheeked eggplant on a stick!’
‘Well, what do your prices sound like, wasp nose?’
‘”Wasp nose…” Our prices are rounder than that, much less spiky, Mr entrail pie afterthought.’
‘Hm… I am beginning to think that you have never caulked in your life, and know nothing of the subject, dabs of cream of chicken soup is more your style, you stout reptile in a sidecar!’
‘You think so, lone butter pat on a Utah mesa! Only this morning I had time off from work in the shop to compete in the UK caulking championships.’
‘Where was it held this year?’
‘Kirkcaldy in Fife.’
‘Is that pronounced “Kirk-oddy”?’
‘You heard me didn’t you?’
‘Did you win?’
‘Came third… ‘
‘That’s not bad for a turnip-headed rapscallion in a jelly mould hat.’
‘Have you got the penny?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean? You loose pinion in the engine of reality!’
‘It means, I give you twenty pounds sterling and you give me a penny, you, you, lost metronome in a cathedral crypt!’
‘Oh right, I get it now, you great toffee shovel, hand over the twenty quid.’
‘Here, Mr spoon-fed chocolate death’s-head trinket, is you refund. Oh sorry, I’ve just realised that we have no notes, it’ll have to be all in twenty pence coins, I’ll still want that penny from you though.’
‘Thank you, well, this has been fun, furball nightmare shopworker. What time do you finish here? Do you fancy a beer down the pub on the corner after work?’
‘Hm… alright, you rotund gewgaw in a fluffy pink bath towel…’
‘See you later then?…’
‘Right ho…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in books, brain, conversation, drama, expletives, Grumpiness, humour, reading, surrealism, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The caulking applicator…

  1. Hahaha! That escalated quickly! Where on earth did you find “ Möbius strip on a slice of pale toast…”?? And Kirckaldy, yes people do tend to say Kirkoddy a lot. Another good one is Kincardine…. a few folk have pronounced it “Kinker – dinn”. 😀

  2. Mental Elf says:

    So what exactly is a Trichinopoly cigar? Can I get one?
    Well glazed!

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