Dulltown, Europe: Today’s 17th c. English expletive is Zooks! – many expletives invoke a deity of some description. Zooks! is obviously a shortening of Gadzooks!, the sort of thing a knight in armour might come out with when his horse happens to stand on his foot – this is a corruption of God’s ‘hooks’, God’s fingernails, perhaps relating to some famous religious relic, a little bottle containing Jesus’s nail clippings that someone picked up and kept after Jesus had been in their bathroom?
A while ago when buying a magazine (such as that awful TV listings one What’s On TV) in the supermarket, you could pick it up from the rack by its spine, give it a good shake, and watch all the advertising rubbish fall out onto the floor, but now the blighters have started stapling them into the centre of the pages! Doh!…
I recently bought a copy of that aforementioned rag, and at home, as I extracted the advertising pages from its middle, I noticed that the front of the insert had a picture of a white-haired man, check shirt, and pot belly, grinning and pushing a smart-looking four-wheeled, maroon and black, trolley called a ‘Rollator’ (£99.99) to enable him to ‘move safely and securely’. Yes, I had in my hands a little free magazine called Healthy Living Direct which is obviously targetted at a large proportion of What’s On TV’s readership – old people! Hm…
Perhaps I should have a look inside, oh, hang on a minute – it says on the front that I could claim my share of £25,000 – see page 9 for details… I’ll examine that later after I have picked out a few intriguing items on offer in these bright glossy pages…
Protect Eyes From Front, Top, Side, And Bottom. Wow! Half price.
Can be worn over spectacles. £4.99.
Instant Stone-Look Edge To Your Border. Pack of ten.
No digging, no cutting, create any shape. £7.99.
Bra Too Tight? Then Hook On The Bra Extender!
Pack of 3. Save 28%. £4.99.
Super Soft Animal Slippers. Meerkat, Puppy, Kitten.
Adorable designs. £4.99 each.
Moisture Gel Toe-Socks. Wow! Save 30%. Pair £6.99.
Covers The Appearance Of Age Spots, Freckles, And Blemishes. Swiss Made.
Natural herbs. Younger-looking skin. £9.99.
Vibrant Kaftan. Featuring flattering V-neck and deep side pockets. £14.99.
Troubled By Awkward Jewellery Fasteners? Magnetic Clasps.
(Not for pacemaker users.) £6.99.
Adorable Solar Dog Lights. Fido, Tess, Sandy, Benji. £9.99 each.
Kill Fleas Instantly! Electronic Comb. No Chemicals, Free Batteries. £14.99.
Super Stretchy Shoe For Problem Feet. Velcro Touch fastening. Conforms To The Contours Of Your Foot. £9.99.
Say Goodbye To Pinching Shoes! Wow! Half Price. £3.99.
Ingenious Pocket Mirror. View Your Full Silhouette. Pocket Sized. £2.99.
The Natural Way To Repel Slugs And Snails.
8 metres of barrier and 8 pegs supplied. £9.99.
4 Fabulous Stretch Belts. Normal belts stiff and unforgiving?
Elasticated Polyester. Pack of 4. £9.99.
Flowing Dark Blue Kaftan. With long front zip.
Beautiful floral print. Smooth flowing design. £9.99.
Glow In The Dark Pebbles.
A spectacular display in your garden. Pack of 100. £7.99.
Peep-Toe Pump. Cleopatra is a delightful little pump with a pretty rose.
Navy, beige, red, black, white, pink, and pewter. £9.99.
Eliminate Stomach Bulge. Lightweight, Comfortable.
Simple yet tremendously effective, undetectable under clothing. £9.99.
A Stunning Addition To Your Garden. Solar Powered Cherubs.
Heavenly Light Effect £14.99.