Mayonnaise and the Americano…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s weather will feature clouds like the snowy heads of old gentlemen, suspended aerial droplets the size of duck eggs, circular gusts of bright blue wind, and thick cut marmalade available in the sky towards evening.

On Tuesday I was ambling across the square towards the cafe, it was that time of day. As I approached I peered through the front windows to see how busy the place was. Suddenly I found myself staring through the glass into a pair of bulging bloodshot eyes; they belonged to Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. He beckoned me to go in – it was by then too late for me to run off and hide.
Once inside, I gave him a quick cheery wave and headed for the counter, but with a very loud ‘Hoy!…’, which echoed around the high room, he stopped me in my tracks and then shouted across that I should buy him a grande Americano with hazelnuts – they were ‘special’ that day, which, rather than cause a fuss, I did…
As I handed the beverage over I noticed on the table in front of him a very thick book; it had what looked like a tarry substance streaked across its brown linen cover, it was also flecked with what looked like the dried remains of part of a meal which had included baked beans; I could see that it was an old dictionary.
Mayo said that he had found it in a skip (dumpster) by the side of the road a few days earlier, and as he noisily gulped his coffee he informed me that, ‘Dictionaries are great,’ and that, ‘they had some brilliant words in them.’
I said that I knew that, and was about to mention how physical dictionaries work very differently from online ones, but he interrupted me and said that he still preferred to make up his own words, and that his were far better than all those in the book, and then, to my embarrassment, he started reciting, in a booming voice, his latest ‘spoem’ (spoof poem)…

Spinnel tash whamdo ack towm,
Gadge gudge rume tossiger tanque,
Tossiger tash foon geff palamper,
Gadge rume fastobleek teek.

Spimax wemno tikkipen ack towm,
Scodge scadge rume allala zettle,
Allala wemno tobs wallinab fuffy,
Scodge rume jollongalow bufftag.

Spinnol dolm whambo chippik obz,
Phidge phadge rume flontoid musp,
Flontoid dolm ambag ohmaloid nat,
Phidge rume tellemollon ogbow.

Spilliph nylants tikkipen udd syde,
Pudge padge rume cockichop dellamo,
Cockichop nylants mogamog timbo,
Pudge rume hohohod hohohod bim!

Tony Mayonnaise 21016.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in art, books, brain, cafe, Dulltown, existentialism, poetry, style, surrealism, weather, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Mayonnaise and the Americano…

  1. Tony Mayonnaise knows how to express himself! So, aside from the obvious, are there any differences between online and physical dictionaries?

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Well, you can flop a paper dictionary open at random and find lots of interesting words that you’d never heard of, but with online dictionaries you have to start with a word – and the serendipity is absent…
      “The Serendipity is Absent” – what a great album that was!….

  2. shammy says:

    Tony’s poetry moves me in mysterious ways….

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