Hands, feet and yards…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s random dictionary words are: espagnolette, eryngo, eruciform, esnecy, erostrate, erubescent, and whirret. Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. The professor will be accompanied by Mrs Mouldie who may massage his thighs as he gives the lesson. You should not let this distract you from your studies.

‘You know… my foot isn’t a foot.’
‘You don’t say.’
‘Oh, but I do say.’
‘I think I can guess where this is going.’
‘I don’t think you can, you see my foot is a foot…’
‘You just said that it wasn’t.’
‘No, you didn’t let me finish! See, my foot is a foot…’
‘There, you just said it again!’
‘And you didn’t let me finish again!… My foot…’
‘Let me guess, your foot is a foot with your shoes on, but not when you are barefoot.’
‘Oh… Oh, shut up!…’
‘Alright, I’m sorry. So, when your foot isn’t a foot, without footwear, what is it?’
‘Well, it’s about eleven-and-a-half inches, give or take a…’
‘What about your hands, are your hands hands?’
‘Are you talking equine now?’
‘I must confess I have never measured my hands, but now you mention it, what is a hand in horse-speak?’
‘I used to think that it was four-and-a-half inches, but I was wrong.’
‘I expect that you have a yard at home?’
‘Ho ho, very good, I have, but it’s not a…’
‘No, it would be a very small one if it was. Ho ho ho…’
‘Was what?…’
‘Now then, listen, would you think, that an acrostic was a crossed stick?’
‘Only if it was a sticky stick – of course, you know, I could think that, but it wouldn’t make it so.’
‘Make it so… Make it so…’
‘Of course a yard is an arrow pull on the bow in time gone, or so a teacher at school once told us.’
‘And was he right?’
‘To this day, I don’t know… Twang!… Outstretched clenched hand to the quivering lip, a yard.’
‘Did you use the word ‘quivering’ on purpose?’
‘But clenched though?’
‘Of course, holding the bow. Do you keep a good stout bow in the house?’
‘No, do you think I should get one, and maybe a few yard long arrows?’
‘Why not?’
‘Why knot?’
‘A nautical mile-per-hour you know.’
‘I know… By the way, are you aware that my first name is Miles?’
‘I am now…’
‘Back in my navy days, I was known as Nautical Miles.’
‘What’s your surname?’
‘Prower, Miles Prower.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Hm, take it or leave it.’
‘I suppose if you were to wear heavy work boots it would take you over the foot limit?’
‘Over the foot limit, yes, it probably would. Give or take a few ‘thou’ my foot is a foot in Converse trendy fashion boots.’
‘It is good to know precisely how you stand.’
‘Indeed, make it so… I like that. Who was it used to say that?’
‘Captain Jean-Luc Picard. By the way, let me buy you a drink, what would you like – as if I didn’t already know?’
‘You are most kind. I think that they do have them in this establishment. I’ll have a yard of ale please… Ho ho ho ho…’
‘Indeed!… Ho ho ho ho…’

(Y of A)


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, history, humour, information, mind, Star Trek, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Hands, feet and yards…

  1. Ho Ho Ho Ho … Most amusing! But what about inches?
    And is a furlong?

  2. A hand is 4 inches when measuring a horse, as in a whole hand. On the shoulder bit. If there is any left over (horse, that is) then the rest is measured in inches. Anything higher than 14.2 hands is generally considered a horse, as opposed to a pony which is under that measurement. If only there was a Degree in Useless Information! 😀

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