Enquire Within (12). Any time for fancy work…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s financial forecast is for grasshoppers to be bright, slugs to flourish, melodies to plummet, pyroclastic schists to be lethargic, and sausages to be brown on one side only.

What year is it?… 2016?…
No, come on, we don’t like 2016 much do we, let’s pretend that it’s 1934…
Yes, let’s loosen our ties, put our slippers on, light up our cigarettes, open up the leaded glass door of our well polished oak bookcase, and take out our copy of the latest edition of the Daily Express Enquire Within – it really is a mine of useful information and pithy words of wisdom.

Let us thumb through and pick out some items at random, oh look, there is also a proverb or homily at the top of every page.

Page 81. (A cheerful smile is sauce for breakfast.)
Calf’s Foot Jelly. – (excerpt) Slit the foot in two, take every bit of fat off the claws; wash well in warm water, put it in a large stewpan, and cover with water; skim well and let it boil gently for six or seven hours, then strain and skim off any oily substance on the surface…

Page 187. (Tea first used in England A.D. 1698.)
Social Evenings. A few simple rules:
Rule I. That meetings be held weekly in rotation at each member’s house.
Rule II. That such meetings commence at eight and end before twelve.
Rule III. That only light refreshments shall be provided, such as sandwiches, sausage rolls, cakes, tea and coffee etc.
Rule IV. That members make a point of attending each meeting unless unavoidably prevented.

Page 422. (Honest loss is preferable to shameful gain.)
Crochet Explained. – Whether as a simple trimming, as an elaborate quilt, or as a fabric, almost rivalling Point Lace, it is popular with every woman who has any time for fancy work, since it is only needful to understand the stitches, and the terms and contractions used in writing the descriptions of the different designs to be enabled to work them without difficulty.

Page 219. (To-day lays many plans for years to come; to-morrow sinks into the silent tomb.)
Bankruptcy may be declared closed, and order to that effect published in the London Gazette, when the Court is satisfied that all bankrupt’s property has been realised, or a satisfactory arrangement or composition made with the creditors.

Page 497. (He that complies against his will, is of his own opinion still.)
Universal Language.
Of artificial languages Volapuk was the first to attain any measure of success. It was devised in 1880 by a German priest, Johann Martyn Schleyer, and it was founded on English, with additions from Latin and the Romance languages. The rapid spread of the use of this language demonstrated the great desire existing for such a means of communication and the ease with which it could be acquired.


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in archeology, books, brain, food, history, humour, information, instruction, learning, reading, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Enquire Within (12). Any time for fancy work…

  1. I presume you’ll be making calf’s foot jelly to have with your next dish of pak choi then? 😛

  2. Universal language, that sounds very interesting! Remember Esperanto? Everyone tried that, and its still going strong in some parts of the world https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esperanto
    Also…calfs foot jelly? Ugh sounds terrible, really. Poor calves. Reminds me of the time I took a cockerel foot into school and scared everyone to death by pulling the tendons and making it move. I used to wonder why I never had any friends……haha!

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Hm, I always thought Esperanto was a soft drink, a bit like Tizer or Irn Bru… No, not really…
      I’ll bet you still have your cockerel foot somewhere – you should get it out and scare people again – perhaps take it to the supermarket and surprise the assistants on the checkouts…

      • Sadly I don’t. It was confiscated by the teacher and I was advised that it wasn’t really normal, and did I want to explain why I sought such attention seeking behaviour. My school wasn’t very forward thinking, I’m afraid. I have been a quiet wee thing ever since…. 😀

      • Dave Whatt says:

        Never mind, I’ll put one in the post for you…

  3. Rebecca says:

    Calves have claws? Who knew?

  4. memadtwo says:

    I like the crochet explanation…all we need to do is understand! Well, that’s good to know.

  5. Shammy says:

    I’d prefer my sausages brown on BOTH sides.

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