Do you want to look at my calves?…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s expletive and insult is from Captain Francis Grose’s Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue 1785: ‘He would piss by the pot…’

‘Would you like to see my calves?’
‘My calves…’
‘What? Like small cows?’
‘Sort of…’
‘I thought for a minute that you were offering to show me the backs of your lower legs.’
‘I was… I mean I am.’
‘Are you particularly proud of your calves? Do you do a lot of cycling?’
‘No, not cycling… Shall I roll my trouser legs up?’
‘Oh, goodness me! You have a young cow tattooed on the back of each of your lower legs!’
‘Calves on my calves… Nice, aren’t they?’
‘Er, yes, I suppose so.’
‘Cool, don’t you think?’
‘Mm, if you say so.’
‘Want to see more?’
‘More calves?’
‘No, look at my hands.’
‘Oh, goodness me, right… You have a palm tree on each of your palms – they look very, er, tropical.’
‘Thank you. I’m particularly pleased with the way the fronds have been executed.,’
‘Indeed… they are the best fronds I have seen tattooed on a hand in many a year.’
‘I think it sort of ties things together, don’t you agree?’
‘Of course, calves on your calves, palms on your palms, most aesthetically pleasing, a kind of ‘linguo-visual’ symmetry.’
‘Yes, yes, you’ve got it!’
‘I suppose…’
‘I suppose, if you were an American…’
‘Aha! I know where you are going with this! I have thought about it – it’s the next logical step isn’t it? But I’d really have to move to the US for it to make any sense at all – oh, and it’s not the sort of thing you could readily show off in a pub or a cafe, is it?’
‘I suppose not. So, you are prepared to move to America, just so you can have an ass tattooed on your ass?’
‘Or, I could have it done here, before I go… What do you think?’
‘Yes, I think that would be sensible, and people wouldn’t be seeing it very much while you are still here, so there would be no need for an involved explanations of our word arse and the American word ass to worry about…’
‘That’s very true, thank you for your input… By the way, as it would be only the one word, I was worried about the best place to position it, bearing in mind symmetry – perhaps you can advise me, look I’ll just slip my trousers down and…’
‘No no, it’s alright, I’m sure your tattooist will be the right person to discuss it with…’
‘Sure you don’t want to have a quick look?’
‘Yes, yes, I’m quite sure…’


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in art, conversation, cool, expletives, humour, information, surrealism, swearing, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Do you want to look at my calves?…

  1. What about a hare tattooed in your hair? Trouble is, I suppose, you’d have to shave your hair off to do it. Then if it grew back you might not see the hare. Or you could keep it shaved & wear it as a hare-piece. Just a thought.

  2. Jessica Deacon says:

    You could have a pair of tits on your tits too. 🙂  Skype: Diziet7Diz7 Flickr

  3. Hmmm, you have got these tattoos, really, haven’t you….? 😀

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