Mayonnaise over the speakers…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: voluble, rancid, metronymic, strobic, marcescent, and ruddy.

I don’t usually read the local newspaper, it is always dumbed down and depressing, but I did buy a copy of it the other day after seeing a headline displayed outside the newsagent’s around the corner. ‘Man arrested on train in Dulltown Station,’ it said, but it wasn’t that which caught my eye so much as the photograph on the front of the paper; it was a nice one of the smirking  perp being led away in handcuffs by the police – I recognised the face of the perp – it was Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League.
It turns out that he had managed to sneak into the conductor’s compartment on the Dulltown – London Express standing at platform 2, and had somehow managed to lock himself in. He had also gained access to the microphone of the public address system on the train and was repeatedly reading his latest spoem (spoof poem) over the loudspeakers to the passengers sitting on the train. One passenger, when interviewed later, said (in between sobs) that the voice over the speakers was, ‘Sinister’, but also, that it sounded, ‘a bit stupid…’
When the police with their dogs and their coloured crime scene tape arrived, a stand-off ensued, and Mayo decided that he would only come out and allow the train to leave if the local paper agreed to publish his spoem in full, and without any of their usual typos, on their front page. This demand was apparently readily agreed to, Mayo came out grinning, and the train was allowed to proceed (thirty minutes late) on its journey – the Dulltown Chief Constable when interviewed later said, ‘Unpleasant though this decision was for us, it seemed, at the time, to be the only possible solution to this particularly ugly incident, and I am happy to say that this dangerous self-styled ‘poet’ is now safely in police custody…’

Tosh rag-start womb-boom tail down grey,
Bug-clip toss-magnet racquet racquet grey,
Tick-tick organelles pod fudge salamander grey,
Soup bastard ring-snort dizzy palpable pink.

Tiger-tiger nut-rustling chop-cut dance grey,
Wedge flute-balm bull-rivet ice tank grey,
Towel-moss continuum prance bugle-dent grey,
Fang bastard ruddy chock-wood blue.

Cormorant spooling fig-spot meal stain grey,
Hog-piece tempo murmur-duck groyne grey,
Id-box tang fire-bracket melody cart grey,
Chub-bastard saucer-pulse moribund date yellow.

Ox-ox ox-ox ox-ox soft-tennis background grey,
Hooter pop-delve aromatic straw device grey,
Moth side-table smudge-brain caliper grey.
Leaf bastard thong-button lemon charm upset green.

Tony Mayonnaise 2016.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in art, brain, drama, Dulltown, existentialism, Hull.UK., humour, information, poetry, sex, style, surrealism, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Mayonnaise over the speakers…

  1. Ahahahaha! That is SO funny! Good for Mr Mayo! There was once a conductor on our trains who played instruments and did funny alien voices through the tannoy. He didn’t last long, sadly. Apparently didn’t take the job of *Announcer *seriously enough. Everyone loved him though.

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Ah, I love that sort of thing! – There was once a bus driver in Dulltown who constantly sang country and western songs to his passengers!…

      • See! There are people who really do love their job and want to make the most of it for themselves and their passengers. Rather have that than some grumpy person who just growls all the time.

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