Ah, Professor…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s fruit is the jolly grinning slice of melon glinting and rocking contentedly in the bright morning sun streaming in through the kitchen window.

‘Ah, welcome Professor, do come in and take a seat.’
‘Good morning… Simon, is it?’
‘Yes, Simon Prawn, I’m head of BBC documentaries. Can I offer you a beverage? We have an excellent range of coffees and teas.’
‘No no, thank you, I had a drink on the train down.’
‘Jolly good. Now, let’s get down to business. We’ve been looking at your recent research published in last week’s copy of Nature. Very, very interesting stuff Professor!’
‘Thank you, you are most kind.’
‘We think that it would make a very good one-hour documentary for television for possible airing in the Autumn.’
‘Really? Well, that is most gratifying…’
‘Of course we would very much like you be the presenter on it, rather than have the usual voice over.’
‘Oh really?…’
‘Oh yes, I think you would be rather good… Er, you haven’t been to drama school by any chance, have you?’
‘No, I’m a physicist.’
‘No matter – nevertheless you have a good strong and authoritative voice.’
‘Yes, well I do give the occasional lecture you know.’
‘Yes, of course… Now, would you mind just standing up and waving your arms up and down for a moment?’
‘Wave my arms up and down?’
‘Yes, just to give me an impression of how you will look on screen.’
‘Why would I wave my arms up and down?’
‘That’s what presenters do Professor, it adds dramatic impact to the words and… Oh, speaking of words, could you just talk to me for a few minutes, but try to emphasise alternate words in your sentences, make those words jump out and be extra noticeable to your audience…’
‘What would you like me to say Mr Prawn?’
‘Oh it doesn’t really matter, but just do it as if your very life depended on it…’
‘Oh, I don’t think I could do that, I’d feel silly.’
‘Alright Professor, let’s try a slightly different approach – talk to me now, whilst trying to keep a constant beaming smile on your face, and speak to me as if you are addressing a not very bright small child. Lots of our presenters adopt this technique. Raise and lower the pitch of your voice, open your eyes very wide, and use plenty of random facial expressions as you speak.’
‘As if you were a not very bright small child?’
‘I think that would be quite easy…’
‘Good, go ahead…’
‘Now just before I start, is there anything else I should know about this proposed documentary?’
‘Well, have you ever been down a deep mine shaft, on the top of a high mountain, or down to the ocean depths in a submersible?’
‘No… How does this relate to my work, that you have supposedly just read in Nature?’
‘Look we can’t just have you standing about in your lab wearing a white coat and droning on about it, now can we?’
‘Can’t we?’
‘No, of course not, we have to give the viewers a bit more tan that – have you ever been in the Amazonian jungle, monkeys, snakes, that sort of thing?’
‘Would you like to go?’
‘No… I’m ready to do my trial piece for you now – what was it? Lots of expression, and drama, and arm waving?’
‘That’s it Prof! Go ahead!…’
‘Right, you can stick your documentary up your BBC arse!… How’s that for passion Simon?…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, expletives, Film, humour, information, instruction, learning, physics, science, smiling, style, surrealism and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Ah, Professor…

  1. I like melon, and I also like this too – very funny! 😀

  2. Another day at the office. This was a good one! Day, and post!

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