Supplies for the cosmos…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: tercentennial, fozy, myrmecophagous, resplendent, haughty, duple, and marcato.

‘Good morning Madam…’
‘Oh hello, I’m not sure I’m in the right shop, you don’t seem to have a sign outside, is this?…’
‘Yes, Madam, you are in the right place, our sign is very discreet, and quite easy to miss.’
‘Cosmos Supplies?’
‘Yes, how may I be of assistance? My name is Josh by the way.’
‘Josh? Are you sure?’
‘I will ignore that for the moment Madam.’
‘Alright then, Josh… do you sell neutron star matter?’
‘Neutron star matter?’
‘That’s what I said, Josh.’
‘Sorry, it’s just that we don’t often get asked for…’
‘Look! Just stop all this shilly-shallying, do you, or do you not, Josh?’
‘Yes, well we do stock a small amount, for special customers, and…’
‘Could I be a ‘special’ customer?’
‘Er, yes, of course… How much were you thinking of purchasing? You do realise that neutron star matter is very rare here on Earth, and it doesn’t come cheap.’
‘Do you think I’m an idiot? I will require about a matchbox full.’
‘A matchbox Madam? Excuse me if I guffaw!’
‘Guffaw away Josh, I can wait…’
‘I’m sorry, I do apologise, we have it down in the cellar, would you like to come down with me and have a look?’
‘Mm, not at the moment thank you, I’ll take your word for it… Josh… Tell me…’
‘How do you stop it form burrowing itself into the ground under its own weight, heading for the Earth’s core?’
‘Ah, you certainly know your stuff Madam, we have it on a large sheet of thick steel plate… Now, when you say ‘matchbox’, you don’t mean an actual…?’
‘Of course not, so how much would this little piece of your N S matter cost me?’
‘Would you expect delivery?’
‘No, I have a large truck, a low loader.’
‘A low loader indeed, well I could do you a nice fragment for about a million pounds sterling.’
‘Hm… a quid times ten to the sixth eh? Would that come gift wrapped, it’s a present for my husband Ted, you see?’
‘Your husband, Ted?… Yes I think we could manage gift wrapping, though it won’t be easy, I’m sure you understand?’
‘Yes, yes, right-ho Josh, that’s a deal. Now, something else…’
‘Dark matter!’
‘Dark… er, no, I don’t think that we have any in stock at present.’
‘You mean you usually do have it in stock?’
‘Er, well, no, it really is a bit too exotic, even for us.’
‘Hm, I see… Josh.’
‘If I could get my hands on some bits of dark matter, would you be interested?’
‘Well Madam, who wouldn’t?’
‘I have a bucket of it outside in the car, my husband is sitting with it.’
‘You husband Ted?… Now, nobody actually knows what dark matter is Madam.’
‘Me and Ted do.’
‘I see… Is it heavy?’
‘Well, not as heavy as N S matter! I can’t imaging Ted sitting there with half a bucket of neutron star matter! Ho ho ho!’
‘No indeed! Ho ho ho!… How do you make it?’
‘Josh, if that is your name, you don’t really expect me to tell you, do you? But I’ll give you a hint.’
‘It involves butter.’
‘Yes… No, I jest… Ho ho ho!’
‘Ho ho ho! Oh, you rascally minx!’
What did you just call me!…’
‘Oh nothing… but you were serious about the bucket of dark matter?’
‘Sort of…’
‘Sort of?… What does that mean?… What does it look like?’
‘It’s invisible…’
‘Oh, of course it is… but how can you tell if it’s really there?’
‘Because the bucket feel heavier than it normally would… I’m really getting a bit fed up with this, Josh.’
‘So when can we expect your low loader?’
‘My what? Look, I said that I was getting a bit fed up with…’
‘Your low loader, to pick up your purchase Madam. Will you be bringing the million pounds in cash or…?’
‘Look, I don’t know what you are talking about… what was your name again? And, I’m not sure that I like your attitude now, you seem a little bit too pushy all of a sudden!…’
‘No, no, not at all Madam, I really wanted to just… Hello, who’s this coming in the door carrying a heavy steel bucket? Is that your husband? Ted?…’
‘I have never seen that man in my life before! Neutron star matter indeed! What do you take me for?… Er… listen… will you be popping round tonight?’
‘Of course my dear.’
‘Usual time?’
‘Yes of course…’
‘Bring a couple of bottles of wine…’
‘What about Ted?’
‘Oh, stop it, you mad fool!…’

N S Matter.
Low Loader.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, creation, drama, humour, physics, science, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Supplies for the cosmos…

  1. Well that escalated quickly….! Nice twist. šŸ™‚

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