Dulltown, UK: Today’s Victorian expletive is ‘By Jerry!’ – an obvious euphemism for ‘By Jesus!’, but then, those Victorians were like that. Perhaps it will come back into fashion now that rather fine chap Jeremy Corbyn is leader of the British opposition Labour Party? (JC)
So, it was Saturday afternoon. I had popped into the Dulltown Interchange to surreptitiously* photograph the long dangling advertising banners hanging from the iron tie-rods in the roof of the Victorian railway station; the designers of the banners hadn’t taken into account that the tie-rods are not quite horizontal and as a result the banners, being made as true rectangles, hang crookedly, and the whole thing looks a bit cheap and amateurish – how very Dulltown…
I was just about to get my camera out when I received a painful slap on the back, there was a sudden whiff of stale alcohol, and there was a coarse voice shouting in my ear, ‘Hiya Dave, my old pal, how’s it going?…’
Yes, it was Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. He said that he had just been to Dulltown Minor (about six miles north of Dulltown) to drown his sorrows in some new pubs. He said that he had been suffering from writer’s block and that his spoems (spoof poems) had nor been not flowing as freely as they normally did – he said the ‘smuse’ had left him.
I was about to commiserate when he stopped me and announced that in fact all was well again, the beer had worked its magic and he had invented the ‘readymade spoem’, the literary equivalent of Marcel Duchamp’s art ‘readymades’. (R) These, he said, were ‘serendipitous word collages’. His first one was composed from things he had seen from the bus window on the way back from his short drinking holiday.
(* If the bored burly security people see you get a camera out, they waddle across and pounce on you and inform you that for ‘security reasons’ photography is strictly forbidden in any part of the Dulltown Interchange.)
Vorex Schmitz, Rugby League,
Polski Dom, Slimming World,
Indian Rest, Topham Larrade,
Chicken Legend, Sutton Fields,
Two Toppings! Don’t Replace, Repair!
Titanic Pizza, Hair Design.
Stratstone, Topliner 420,
Saver Menu, Tyneside Laminated,
Snack Wrap, Kwick-Tuff,
Average Speed Check, Depressed?
‘Pro-Shield Polymer Sealant,
Curtains Awnings and Shutters.
Foundation Shades, TNT Roofing,
Army Careers, Thanks for Coming,
Drain Centre, Hybrid Technology,
Fox Insurance, Leisure Food,
Luxury for Less, Noodle Bar,
Boiler Serve, Small Animals.
Food Lounge, Auto-Money,
Assembly Point D, Excellent Parking,
Order by Midnight, Dining to Living,
40 Years of Fun! Simplibus,
Food for Thought, Don’t Hide From It,
Change Your Life in an Hour.
Van Vault Tube,
Tony Mayonnaise. 2016.