The holly, the ivy, and the mistletoe…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: fulsome, botryoid, glyptic, oragious, sleazy, and intrinsicate. If I had to pick one, I’d go for botryoid – I like the way it rolls off the tongue…
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‘Mummy…’
‘Yes dear?’
‘Christmas…’
‘Yes, what about it?’
‘Why do people have it?… Have they always had it?’
‘Well dear, in this part of the Northern Hemisphere, at this time of year, it tends to get dark and cold…’
‘The Winter Solstice?’
‘Why yes dear – well done!’
‘It’s on the 21st of December you know.’
‘Yes indeed, and what with all the dark and cold, the people needed a bit of cheering up, so around the time of the solstice they lit bonfires and had torches to give a bit of light, and they celebrated the fact that the days would soon start to get longer and the miserable nights shorter…’
‘But that doesn’t sound much like Christmas, what about the birth of Jesus, and those three strange wise men from the East?’
‘Ah, Jesus came into it much later on, when the powers that be…’
‘The powers that be?’
‘Yes, they decided that we should all start worshiping Jesus and they took over the existing solstice celebrations and invented ‘Christmas’ for us instead.’
‘What about the holly and the ivy, and the mistletoe… and Christmas trees then?’
‘Well, we’ve always had those plants, and the fir trees that keep their leaves in winter, we managed to hang on to these things despite religion.’
‘I see… So Christmas is really really ancient… and a good thing?’
‘Yes, of course, there’s nothing wrong with people getting together, being nice to each other, having a jolly good time, and celebrating and welcoming the change of the seasons, the return of the light, is there?’
‘No, of course not mum… so, why, at this time of year, is everybody so stressed, miserable, and rude to each other?’
‘Well dear, in the olden days this festival was on just one day, or maybe two, if you bothered with Boxing Day.’
‘What? Just two days?…’
‘Yes…’
‘So what happened?’
‘Capitalism.’
‘Oh?…’
‘Do you know what Father Christmas looks like?’
‘Of course I do, everyone knows what he looks like!…’
‘Invented by Coca-Cola in 1931.’
‘No!…’
‘Yes!… When capitalism noticed that people liked to celebrate Christmas they grabbed the opportunity to cash in big time, so now it has grown into a massive buying and spending frenzy that lasts several weeks instead of just two days. People have been persuaded into thinking that they have to buy expensive presents for everyone they know, cards, booze, extra food, new TVs to watch Christmas on, new phones, and they are encouraged to get into debt in order to please the bankers, and other similar nonsense…’
‘But mum!’
‘I know… Just look at them all in town, barging into each other, getting angry, swearing, driving through red lights, some getting drunk in the pubs and fighting in the streets…’
‘But people like Christmas.’
‘So they say…’
‘They all really look forward to it.’
‘Yes, they do, the poor things… By the way…’
‘What?’
‘What would you like for your Solstice present?’
‘My what? Oh, mum, you are crazy sometimes!… Er, how about a new phone?’
‘Hm, alright, get online and pick one out… oh, and while you are there see if Amazon do holly, ivy, and mistletoe at a reasonable price…’
‘Right ho mum…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in advertising, conversation, Grumpiness, history, humour, information, learning, magic, people, phones, religion, science, thinking, weather and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The holly, the ivy, and the mistletoe…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    Coca Cola? It gets more credit than it deserves….that assignment of the image of Santa Claus…..but for adding flavors and high fructose corn syrup to water and carbonation, making it a household word and charging now $5 retail for a 12 pack, which cost more to deliver and stock than the contents are worth…now there is the real capitalist accomplishment! They’ve yet to make it a necessary requirement for the feast. But, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus (1897) according to “The Night Before Christmas,”1821 and he just might have moved to China! Ho Ho Ho.

    • Dave Whatt says:

      China eh?…
      Oh, yes, it’s supposed to be really bad stuff is Coca-Cola, a real tooth-rotter apparently. I wouldn’t go near the muck myself – and god knows what is in their zero calorie one – isn’t it a masterpiece of marketing to sell a product which has zero nutrition?… The world has gone bonkers!… (Do you say ‘bonkers’ DD?)

  2. David Manley says:

    I dunno about Dulltown but its getting pretty oragious in town hereabouts in the run up to Christmas…

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