The bicycle leaning against the London plane…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s old Northern English expletive is, ‘By eck!’ or ‘Oh eck!’.
The word ‘eck’ being a euphemism for ‘hell’, is also used nicely in the phrase ‘Will I eck as like’.

‘Hey, I hear that those physicists have discovered a new particle…’
‘What do you mean by those physicists?’
‘Well, physicists then.’
‘Alright, what have they found? Was it at CERN?’
‘CERN?… What’s that? I saw it in the Daily Express.’
‘Never mind, do go on.’
‘Have you heard of gluons?’
‘Only a little bit… are they like WIMPs?’
‘Weakly interacting massive particles?’
‘No… What about neutrinos?’
‘What about them?’
‘Have you heard of them?’
‘Sort of…’
‘Good… You see, these new particles have…’
‘Did you say that you saw them in the Daily Express?’
‘Yes, it was most interesting…’
‘Something interesting? In the Daily Express?’
‘Oh yes… Do you get it?’
‘No, I’ve never got the Daily Express… look, if you want to tell about this new thingy they’ve found, you’d better hurry up, I’ve got to return a faulty stepladder.’
‘Yes, I noticed your leg in plaster. Are you seeking compensation?’
‘Compensation? No, I did it skateboarding – an unexpected kerb.’
‘Yes, kerbs can be unexpected – so you see, in the newspaper there was a clever diagram with circles and arrows and…’
‘Was it in colour?’
‘Oh yes, nice colours, and there might have been a Feynman diagram too.’
“Might have been?” Oh, and what a good egg Feynman was, but do go on, I have a few moments before I have to post my stepladder.’
‘You are going to post it?’
‘Why not? It’s very well wrapped up.’
‘I can’t imagine the number of second class stamps you’d have to stick on something like that.’
‘So, back to your particle, is it like a gluon then, or… you mentioned neutrinos?’
‘Then why did you bring them up earlier?’
‘It was to draw you in. You look like the sort of chap, even with a leg in plaster, who would be aware of and interested in such things…’
‘Thank you… So did they detect it at the LHC?’
‘The Large Hadron Collider.’
‘The paper didn’t say… Dose your leg hurt much?’
‘No, not really… So…’
‘Apparently the way it interacts with the other particles in the Standard Model…’
‘I like models!’
‘So do I …is that when it drifts, in a quantum way, close to say a…’
‘An electron?’
‘Could be, or say a big fat neutron, or even any skinny little passing lepton, it gobbles them up, spin, charge an all.’
‘Yes, they say scientists are baffled.’
‘Who do? The Daily Express?’
‘Of course, it says, Scientists are baffled!
‘Actually, my leg has just started to hurt a bit.’
‘I hope it wasn’t something I’ve said?’
‘Unlikely I think… So what’s this new thing called then? I presume they have a name for it.’
‘A glutton.’
‘A glutton? Are you sure?’
‘Yes, it was at the bottom of page four.’
‘Well well well…’
‘Will you need a hand with your stepladder to the post office? We could rest it on the pedal of my bicycle – it’s over there leaning against that London plane…’
‘What a strange colour for a bicycle… No, I think that I’ll manage… So gluttons eh?… Well well well!…’
‘Isn’t science great?’
‘Yes, yes… Bye…’
‘Oh, and good luck with your compensation claim…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, expletives, humour, information, learning, physics, science, surrealism, swearing, thinking, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The bicycle leaning against the London plane…

  1. As a child, my favourite expression was “ecky thump” I might start saying that again and baffle all the scots up here, haha! And what a bizarre exchange that was – you are on fire today with your surreal conversations!

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