About the size of an egg timer…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual pencil sharpener is the one shaped like a seagull swooping onto a discarded Big Mac.
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‘Excuse me…’
‘Yes?’
‘You seem to have been surreptitiously staring at me, for the last ten minutes.’
‘Oh, goodness me, have I? I am most terribly sorry.’
‘That’s alright, I expect it was my tattoo.’
‘Well, it was actually, I do apologise again, it is an unusual one though, isn’t it?’
‘No…’
‘No? But I…’
‘The tattoo itself isn’t that unusual, it’s the placement of it…’
‘Yes, yes, you are correct, one can’t really miss it, can one?’
‘No, I suppose one can’t.’
‘I mean, having the number 22 in the middle of your forehead like that…’
‘That’s true.’
‘Anyway, I’m sorry to have bothered you. I’ll get on with reading my newspaper…’
‘Don’t you want to hear about it then? Most people do you know.’
‘Well, I don’t like to pry into a person’s private, er…’
‘It’s very simple really, it’s the circumference of my head, in inches.’
‘Ah… Right… Of course…’
‘Oh, come on! Don’t be like that! It is surprisingly useful.’
‘When buying a hat?’
‘Well, that goes without saying.’
‘I suppose so, but what other use does it have, apart from being an excellent conversation starter?’
‘Of course I had to choose between having it in inches or in centimeters, when I had it done.’
‘…and you settled on inches then.’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘Both – I have it in metric round the back, 55.9 give or take, but of course my hair has grown over it – however, I can always shave a patch off, in an emergency.’
‘An emergency?’
‘Yes, if someone from Euroland needed something measuring, they’re all metric over there now you know.’
‘Hm, I know… If they wanted something measuring?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is that what you do then, measure things… with your head?’
‘You’ve got it Signor!’
‘Signor?’
‘Yes Signor, suppose you needed a length of nice new floral carpet for the hallway of your château, perhaps to hide those old cracked tiles…’
‘Cracked tiles… Alright…’
‘I could sort you out straightway without resorting to searching for non-existent tape measures in overloaded kitchen drawers.’
‘Straightway?’
‘Yes, what’s the matter with ‘straightway’?’
‘Oh, nothing… So, how would you go about measuring for a hall carpet then?’
‘Easy, I just lie down and roll my head along the length required – I have to keep count of my revolutions and then just multiply by 55.9 and divide by 10 to get it in metres – I’m assuming that we are in Euroland, you having a château and all?’
‘You must get quite dizzy.’
‘One gets used to it, over the years.’
‘Do you charge for this service?’
‘No, no, god forbid! I do it out of the goodness of my…’
‘Head?’
‘No, heart… I have rolled on the floors of many famous people, celebs, sports stars, and even royalty.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘I did a decorative lawn edging mensuration for Her Majesty in 1996, it was at Her place at Sandringham Norfolk… She was very pleased.’
‘You don’t say.’
‘Oh, but I do, have you anything you need measuring at the moment? No charge of course.’
‘Well, as a matter of fact, I was wondering about the dimensions of this egg timer I have in my bag, it’s a present for my grandfather, I was going to buy an envelope of suitable size to send it to him.’
‘Easy, just pass it over…’
‘But it’s far smaller than your head, you won’t be able to… Oh…’
‘Three-and-a-quarter inches!’
‘But?… Oh, I see you have numbers tattooed on each of your fingers…’
‘See, my left hand ring finger is exactly three-and-a-quarter inches.’
‘But what if I wanted that in metric?’
‘Ah, I have that on another part of my body, see, if I just unbutton my…’
‘No no, it’s alright… That’s fine… Thank you…’
‘You’re welcome, and I do hope your grandfather likes his three-and-a-quarter inch timer…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, humour, information, story, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to About the size of an egg timer…

  1. Jheron Bash says:

    Well, if you could have any super-power – invisibility, x-ray vision, etc. – you’d choose MeasureMan, wouldn’t you? Now my head’s circumference is 24″, which is much more useful! Mind you, the metric equivalent of 61 cm is a bit inconvenient. But when we leave the EU I won’t need that, will I? Not unless I become International MeasureMan! Maybe not ….

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Yes, indeed, MeasureMan…
      24″ eh? Did you measure it specially before you commented, or did you already know?…

      • Jheron Bash says:

        I already knew actually – from many, many years ago when I was measured for a hat in a previous incarnation. (Clue: it involved earing a costume). I did re-measure it recently to check though. It hadn’t grown. Mind you, it hadn’t shrank either. That would have been worrying.
        Anyway, I thought as MeasureMan I would perhaps specialise in difficult curved shapes, like ellipses. That way I could also avoid banging my head on awkward corners. What do you think?

      • Dave Whatt says:

        Well heads, looking down them, are almost ellipses – I suppose that’s why hats aren’t circular – by the way, my head is the same size as chap’s in the drama… What a surprise!

  2. ktz2 says:

    hahaha hahah haha

  3. Claudia says:

    I’m not sure what to say — but it WAS fun to read!

  4. I actually laughed out loud at imagining that fellow rolling around the Queens floor as she looked anxiously on, hoping he didn’t roll onto a Corgi, or into one of the oh-so-old mahogany side tables….. 😀

  5. Dana Doran says:

    ….I suppose you would like a measured response? Funny.

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