Choosing a suitcase…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s joke is the one about the small smear of tomato sauce on the shoulder of the Prime Minister’s best pale blue suit. Oh, how we guffawed into our cupped hands in the corridors of power!
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‘Excuse me, is this the suitcase department?’
‘What do those look like? Grapefruit?’
‘Quite… Oh… that’s a quote from a film!’
‘Yes, it is, what of it?’
The Big Sleep… nineteen forty… six?’ *
‘It might be… Do you want one suitcase, or a matching set… sir?’
‘Er, well, just the one I suppose… only…’
‘Only what?’
‘Well, it has to be the right size.’
‘And what size would that be?…’
‘Difficult to say…’
‘Oh, why?’
‘Now, you seem to be an authority on cinema, and the media.’
‘Do I?’
‘Yes, well, you know, in films…’
‘Yes?…’
‘…and in episodes of Columbo, and er…’
Murder She Wrote?’
‘Yes… No! Never watch those! Too cosy for me!…’
‘What then?’
‘Well, most of the crime solving cases that you see on the…’
‘Look sir, I do have other customers waiting.’
‘No, but you see, when a person has been kidnapped…’
‘Kidnapped?’
‘Hm, or perhaps in a spy thing, the pay-off for the secret plans…’
‘Or for the location of the vial of deadly bacteria, that’s heading for the city’s reservoir?’
‘Why yes, now you catch my drift…’
‘No, I’m afraid I don’t. Do you want to buy a suitcase or not?’
‘Not really, but I am interested in such things.’
‘Alright… perhaps I’ll give the security man my secret wave, he’s just over there by the door, he’s the big chap sniffing the perfumes…’
‘No, don’t do that… You see, in films of this kind…’
‘Thrillers?’
‘Indeed, thrillers, when they demand the cash.’
‘For the ransom?’
‘Yes, or for the deadly strain of bacteria – the money always comes in a really stylish suitcase!’
‘I suppose it does.’
‘But, have you noticed that when the case is opened, it is always packed full of currency?’
‘Of course it is.’
‘But there is never any spare room in it – it is always full to the brim!’
‘Our suitcases don’t have brims.’
‘Oh, don’t nitpick!’
‘Sorry, do go on.’
‘So, I was wondering…’
‘If suitcases come in different sizes to accommodate different amounts of ransom or pay-off?’
‘Exactly! You are so inciteful!’
‘Thank you.’
‘So, do you sell cases like those?’
‘No.’
‘Oh…’
‘But we could order one for you, if you really wanted one.’
‘Well, I might…’
‘I have a catalogue of such cases here…’
‘Oh, it’s quite a thick catalogue isn’t it?’
‘Yes, let me flick through… now… your ransom money…’
‘Or pay-off…’
‘Yes, or pay-off… Will it be in dollars, pounds, euros? You see where I’m going with this?’
‘Goodness me yes, who would have thought it would be so complicated? They’ll all require different sizes of case!’
‘And we haven’t considered the amount of cash, or in what denominations it will be in yet.’
‘Does the catalogue have pictures of the cases filled with cash?’
‘Of course.’
‘Can I have a peek?’
‘Well… I’m not supposed to let customers look at this book, but… Alright, I’ll just hold it under the counter like this – don’t let the security man see what you’re doing though…’
‘Oh, those pictures are wonderful! In colour too! Just look at those wads of tightly wrapped Euros, and those packets of thousand dollar bills!…’
‘Nice eh?’
‘Oh, dear me… Yes… Yes… Could I just…
‘No touching!…’

* (Grapefruit)

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in celebrities, conversation, drama, Film, humour, money, story, surrealism, TV and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Choosing a suitcase…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    haha!! If the ransom fits!

  2. Jheron Bash says:

    When can we expect publication of your collected short stories, Dave? In fact, as your narrative predilection is for writing in dialogue, when are you going to write a play? Perhaps you know a theatre director who could stage it ….

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Well, they are like little plays aren’t they? But notice I try to do them without descriptions, stage settings, or stage directions.
      If I had them published in a book I think I’ll call the collection ‘Dave’s Dialogues’.
      A theatre director ? Hm… Who can you possibly be thinking of?…

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