How about a nice cup of tea?…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual pencil sharpener is the one shaped like the smirk of a salesperson in a posh car showroom.
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‘Would you care for a cup of tea whilst you are waiting?’
‘Oh, that’s very kind of you Mrs er… Oh yes… alright then.’
‘I have Yorkshire Tea, Twining’s Green, peppermint, fruits of the forest, and chamomile, the Americans pronounce it chamomeel you know.’
‘No!…’
‘No?…’
‘No… Peppermint, fruits of the bloody forest, and chamomile are not teas! They are the spawn of Satan!’
‘Santa?’
‘No, Satan!’
‘It doesn’t say that on the packets, in fact…’
‘Well, it wouldn’t would it?… Does that road outside run east-west?’
‘Er, yes, I believe it does, east-west, yes that’s right. Why do you ask?’
‘A cup of Yorkshire Tea will be fine, thank you.’
‘Good, I’ll join you in a cup, I’ll put the kettle on.’
‘Not like that I hope!’
‘Eh?…’
‘You put the kettle on the stove oriented north-south – spout to the south… Do you see what you’ve done?!’
‘Yes I do, shall I just…?’
‘That’s it… that’s it!… Twist it round ninety degrees or so! That’s better! Phew! The brew would have been ruined, just think of the molecules!’
‘Right… of course – the molecules, of the water?’
‘And the steam! You mustn’t forget the gaseous state. God forbid!’
‘I see… Do you prefer leaf tea, or, or tea bags?’
‘I’m easy.’
‘Really?’
‘What!…’
‘Well, you seem so particular about the directionality of the boiling vessel, and I thought that you might be…’
‘No, no, leaf or bag, tea is tea my dear lady.’
‘Right, we’ll have a couple of bags in the teapot then.’
‘Is that your pot?’
‘Yes… Anything wrong with it?’
‘Not as far as I can see, but I am watching how you place it on the tray to receive the boiling east-west water.’
‘How about like this, just here?’
‘No, no, you just don’t get it, do you? East-west for the kettle, north-south for the teapot, it evens it out! Any fool knows that! Did you have a troubled childhood?’
‘Well, as a matter of fact I… How’s that now?…’
‘Fine, you can fill it up now, all this talking is making me thirsty. What do you know about neutrinos?’
‘Next to nothing, but I know quite a lot about ley lines.’ (L)
‘Ley lines! Downright utter rubbish!’
‘You think so?’
‘Undoubtedly – no milk with mine, I like it dark as the deepest pit of hell.’
‘I see… I would have thought that the orientation of the ancient lines of Mother Earth would aid the infusion of the leaves and…’
‘Just shut up with you pseudo-scientific twaddle – I was wondering if all the billions of neutrinos passing through our bodies, as we speak, have a preferred direction or whether they appear from all directions equally…’
‘And how that might affect the brewing of the tea?’
‘Exactly! You are very astute.’
‘Well, from what I’ve seen on the TV they come from all directions, but as they don’t interact with matter at all…’
‘Of course they do!’
‘No, they don’t, that nice Professor Brian Cox says so, and if they don’t, this tea making theory of yours…’
‘It is not a theory! It’s fact!’
‘Earlier you mentioned ‘the deepest pit of hell.’
‘What of it?’
‘Nothing, I suppose… How’s your tea?’
‘Quite nice, but…’
‘But what?’
‘Did you stir the pot?’
‘Of course I did.’
‘In which direction?’
‘Oh dear, let me think… er, clockwise.’
‘I know, I was just teasing you, I can taste the direction in the beverage. I hear the Chinese are doing quantum ‘spooky action at a distance’ experiments at the moment using satellites.’ (Q)
‘No!…’
‘Yes!… They drink a lot of tea in China you know. By the way, when you stirred the tea, did you observe the Fleming left hand rule?’ (F)
‘Not that I know of…’
‘Got any biscuits?’
‘How about a couple of chocolate neutrinos?’
‘Ho ho ho!…’
‘Tee hee hee!…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in brain, conversation, drama, humour, information, learning, physics, surrealism and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to How about a nice cup of tea?…

  1. Jheron Bash says:

    Oh, you are a wag, Dave!

  2. Dana Doran says:

    I just love a tongue-in-check writing that requires reading highly technical quantum theory revelations before getting to the point……..I’ve put in a call about that very loud silence by the US…since I’m told things are proceeding so quickly that what is published is very old news and only meant to inform generally, not to provide understanding. Of course, when observed……….

  3. Dana Doran says:

    perhaps a tad too much covfefe

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