Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual pencil sharpener is the one shaped like the sound of a golf ball dropping down a hole.
One of my favourite cafes is the one on the north-east side of the square called Saturday Market in the town of Beverley a few miles north of Dulltown; I think it’s called Saturday Market because they have a market there on Saturdays.
As I looked out of the front window of that cafe a couple of Saturdays ago, guzzling tea and nibbling a Belgian chocolate brownie, I notice an agitated crowd forming around one of the stalls, it was a fruit and veg stall. After a few moments I became aware of the flashing blue lights of a police van which was trying to make headway towards the disturbance. It jerked to a standstill and two overweight shaven-headed cops jumped out and waded through the jostling throng. I finished the remains of my tea and sauntered outside to find out what was up.
A big hairy, but friendly, red-faced farmer kindly explained that some jumped-up city poet had been asked by the proprietor of the stall to look after business for a few minutes while he went off to sort out some problem broccoli. The jumped-up poet who had had a few pints of ale in The White Horse (Nellie’s), instead of serving the customers, began reciting one of his recent works to the them in a loud and patronising voice. Apparently they didn’t think much of his performance and told him so in no uncertain terms. Things escalated, tomatoes, carrots, and cucumbers were thrown, in both directions, and some ineffectual blows were exchanged…
The perpetrator turned out to be, of course, my ‘friend’ Simon Doom, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. As he was eventually carried, screaming and still reciting as he went, to the police van by the two blank-faced cops, he spotted me on the pavement. He managed to throw me a copy of his ‘spoem’ (spoof poem) before the back doors slammed over his sweaty grinning face:
Papple scoom upthat wem diddamoi,
Dummel bux upthat kym plangobs.
Fagmost veagle psoom danky-danky,
Bogololmolol rhaspe flookery dex!
Emopta spinkle dockty wem diddamoi,
Feermee spox dockty wenwe doono.
Fagmost junitz parn octy-octy,
Oidmentalion frape doggle dux!
Hoppermoi gusp ferrit wem diddamoi,
Blutt sampee ferrit noibus-fyn.
Fagmost tunnymonny nunny-nunny,
Jhebonnaset soss motter pungin dix!
Tagranander buth septag wem diddamoi,
Pulg septer septag thething doop.
Fagmost plangobs quisp cuppy-cuppy,
Chellodyne knellage upthat dox!
Simon Doom 2017.