Dulltown, UK: Today’s joke is the one about the piece of uncooked cod secreted behind the radiator in the Chancellor’s office – oh, how we chortled and rattled our manacles and chains down in the cellar at 11 Downing Street!… (11)
Do you feel like enquiring within this fine crisp December morning? I do…
Yes, I’m talking about my scruffy old fifty-pence junk shop book, the Daily Express Enquire Within published in 1934. Not an attractive looking volume, but the title page does have a nicely designed, very 1930s, emblem on it – Hm, I love the sound of the word ’emblem’, don’t you dear reader?
Running across the head of each page there are some words of wisdom or an uplifting (and ‘improving’) proverb – I shall include some of these with today’s selection from this impressive and comprehensive store of information which would have been essential for every smart middle class home in Britain in the 1930s:
Page 287. (Plain words make the most ornamental sentences.)
20. For a Clyster. – A pint and a half of gruel or fat broth, a tablespoonful of castor oil, one of common salt, and a lump of butter, mix: – to be injected slowly. A third of this quantity is enough for an infant.
Page 121. (Who never tries cannot win the prize.)
4. Batting. – The batsman’s first duty at the wicket is to ask the umpire at the bowler’s end for his “block” or guard, which the striker will specify in accordance with his own notion how the bowling (fast, medium, or slow; over or round the wicket) should be met. Thus he may call for a middle guard, or middle and leg, or middle and off.
Page 19. (Fair play is a jewel.)
In Season in December.
iii. Poultry and Game. – Black game and capercailzie (till 10th). Capons, chickens, ducks, fowls, geese, grouse (till 20th), guinea-fowl, hares, larks, partridges, pea-fowl, pheasants, pigeons, ptarmigan (till 10th), quail, rabbits, snipes, teal, turkeys, wheatears, widgeon, woodcocks, wild-fowl generally.
Page 477. (The evil that men do lives after them.)
The latest development in advertising methods is that of tracing words in smoke letters of enormous size in the air by means of an aeroplane.
Major J. C. Savage is the author and patentee of this wonderfully effective method. He discovered that by using smoke of a certain chemical character it could be made to hang in the air, diffusing very slowly, and so conceived the idea of writing in the air.
Page 327. (The oaths of the passionate have no meaning.)
Fainting, Hysterics, &c.
Lay the patient down or bend head between knees when seated. Loosen the garments, bathe the temples with water or eau-de-Cologne ; open the window, admit plenty of fresh air, apply hot bricks to the feet, and avoid bustle and excessive sympathy.