Brownlow down the pub…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s existential angst is centred around the sound of the word lard.

‘And what the hell time do you call this Brownlow!’
‘Oh, hello professor, it’s eleven-thirty give or take a…’
‘No!… I mean, what’s the idea of rolling in at this time? We do start work at eight-thirty you know!’
‘But sir, didn’t you get the note I left on your desk first thing this morning? Look, here it is, under your pipe and matches.’
‘Yes, Brownlow, but it just says, “I’ve gone to the pub,” – what the blue blazes are you up to? Are you drunk?…’
‘Oh no sir, I wouldn’t dream of it! I was hard at work in the attic.’
‘What attic? What the hell is going on man?’
‘The attic of the pub – it’s an ancient haunted coaching inn – don’t you remember sir?’
‘Didn’t the British Museum phone you? It’s about the rusty item that’s been discovered there, it relates to the three mysterious painted panels on the wall in the…’
‘In the attic of a pub?’
‘Yes sir, there is to be some sort of TV thing about it.’
‘Yes, I recall I did speak to them – what a load of old tosh!’
‘Tosh professor?’
‘Yes… Black magic, mumbo jumbo, it’s utter twaddle man!’
‘But the paintings are quite nice, they are very old too…’
‘Ha! So you say!… So, what in god’s name did you spend all the morning doing?’
‘Well as the found artefact might have something to do with the tool depicted in the third panel, and, as the loft had been sealed up for centuries, I was looking around in case…’
‘In case you found the ‘magic hatchet’ from the second painting hidden under the floorboards?’
‘Well, no sir, but the legend does say that the farrier, the metal worker for the inn four hundred years ago – he’s depicted in one of the paintings…’
‘I don’t give a damn Brownlow!’
‘The legend says that his adversary, the demon, the beast of awful aspect, couldn’t be killed by ordinary means…’
‘Shut up man – this is nonsense!’
‘So he fashioned the two special tools, weapons – the most effective one a drill bit of holy metal, to twist and pierce the beast’s forehead and…’
‘Enough! Enough!… Brownlow, I am amazed that you, of all people, could be taken in so easily!… Go make me a cup of tea before I fire you! You must drop all this nonsense right now!… Understand?…’
‘Yes sir… Would you like a couple of my Aunt Cissy’s home-made biscuits with your tea sir?’
‘Yes, yes, alright…’
‘What now?’
‘There would have been a very generous fee – had we done a brief report on this artefact, by the way I happen to have it in my desk drawer as we speak – especially as the TV are involved – oh, and they were considering asking you to appear in the documentary too… But if you think it’s not worth bothering with, I’ll…’
‘A fee?… Really?…’
‘Oh yes, a surprising amount…’
‘Hm… Look here Brownlow, just knock out something to send them, don’t spend too much time on it though… Hm, this is very nice tea… Did you just mention biscuits?’
‘Yes sir, here you are… Er, and what title shall I put on our report?’
‘Oh, keep it simple and concise, nothing too fussy – something like, The Blacksmith Axe Myth Triptych Ogre Auger...’
‘What was that again sir?…’
‘These biscuits are very nice…’
‘Aunt Cissy sends you her regards by the way…’
‘Does she?… Does she?… Fine woman, your Aunt Cissy…’
‘Yes sir…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in academia, archeology, conversation, drama, existentialism, Grumpiness, history, humour, money, TV, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Brownlow down the pub…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    hum….the sound of the word “lard”…..ooooh, that’s fun to say….now try this one (my personal favorite – can’t say it enough) Pascagoula…..doesn’t that put a smile on your face?

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Mm… it needs a foreign accent really – where’s it from?
      Looks a bit Spanish to me.
      Hang on a minute, I must practise it…

      • Dana Doran says:

        Pascagoula is a city in Mississippi….you know, that place where the Blues began! Say it with a Southern Drawl….kinda slow, and the accent is on the gooooo…oh wait….pour a cup of tea and watch this:

      • Dave Whatt says:

        A city in Mississippi eh? I thought that it might be a Hungarian stew with beetroot in it, or something…
        That was a very interesting clip – thank you!
        Of course most of the Southern accents I have heard are from old black blues dudes – I wonder if their accent is different from the white dudes? I expect it is…
        Here’s blues man Magic Sam chatting for a moment on a German bus in the 1960s…

      • Dana Doran says:

        uh huh….Magic Sam.!!! Who doesn’t love the blues?

  2. Sharon Mann says:

    The professor is so easily won over with biscuits and money!

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