Dulltown, UK: Today’s quotation is from the Sherlock Holmes story The Adventure of the Dancing Men by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle:
(Watson) I looked in amazement at the absurd hieroglyphics upon the paper.
“Why, Holmes, it is a child’s drawing,” I cried.
“Oh, that’s your idea?”
“What else should it be?”
“That is what Mr Hilton Cubitt, of Riding Thorpe Manor, Norfolk, is very anxious to know. This little conundrum came by the first post, and he was to follow by the next train. There’s a ring at the bell, Watson. I should not be very much surprised if this were he.”
There is a nice looking catholic church in the centre of Dulltown. As I was walking past it last Tuesday afternoon, on my way to get some pop rivets from F R Scott’s, I happened to see a familiar scruffy shape come out from the grand front door and skip down the steps – it was whistling a cheery tune – the shape then announced, to no one in particular, ‘Ah, I do feel better for that!…’
He looked up and spotted me, and said, ‘Oh, hello shit-head!’ I responded with, ‘Oh, hello Simon.’ It was Simon Doom, ne’er-do-well poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League.
I said, ‘I didn’t know you were religious Simon.’
‘I’m not,’ he said, ‘but I have just been to confession.’
‘I see…’ I said.
‘No, you don’t,’ he said.
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘What were you confessing?’
‘Oh, nothing, I just popped in, found the appropriate cubbyhole, popped in, and said, you know – that bless me Father stuff – or whatever it is.’
‘And then I read him my latest spoem (spoof poem) – I like to try to reach a really wide audience with my work – here’s a spare copy of it for you too – it is a very good one!’
‘Yes, I’m sure… Did the priest seem impressed with your spoem then?’
‘Well, after I’d finished reciting the four very pithy verses at him through the gauze, he was very quiet for a long while – I think he was thinking…’
‘And then he said he’d like to do some praying, for my “troubled soul”.’
‘Well, that was nice of him,’ I said.
We then parted company, I went off to try to get rivets, and Doom zoomed off towards the nearest pub. As he went he shouted back, ‘There are some obscure hidden literary references in the spoem – I’m sure you’ll spot them…’
Doig pelamore fegre pulmoth!
Tumsail cranch, whoomer cranch.
Forredinga footh ba-ba-ba ossage.
Sylpher oims tugmastic shoups.
Bulva bulva uthnic palzo…
Clim oitle fefferage jellatoid!
Pozela cranch, teffallophane cranch.
Grandoline harb ot-ot-ot junnels.
Signaldo chemmy tugmastic obbs.
Bulva bulva uthnic palza…
Trell boovane oth chox!
Giffle cranch, ormentic cranch.
Guggathorn dits cu-cu-cu bemps.
Weelcack hume tugmastic noops.
Bulva bulva uthnic palzu…
Zyte omeron jitheral quap!
Boim cranch, terrodic cranch.
Eigle fux-fux da-da-da zomso.
Linebarger umadial tugmastic bongies.
Bulza bulva uthnic palze…
Simon Doom 2018.