Thinking of getting some art…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s existential angst is centred around the sound of the word quench.

‘Do you have any art, on your walls?’
‘Hm, let me think… Well, not really.’
‘What do you mean by “not really”?’
‘Well, I do have a small portrait of a grinning Border Collie, done in oils, that I bought for three pounds at a bric-a-brac stall at a village fete about ten years ago.’
‘Who is it by?’
‘Leonardo da Vinci.’
‘No, I’m jesting.’
‘Right… No wonder you said “not really” when I asked.’
‘It really is very nice though, the eyes are bright and quite endearing… But why did you ask if I had any art?’
‘Oh, I was thinking of getting some.’
‘I think it says something about a person, you know, having an original or two in one’s place.’
‘Oh, what does it say?’
‘Well, I don’t know exactly, but it certainly says something…’
‘Painting or sculpture?’
‘Oh, painting I think, sculpture would take up far too much room, and it would need regular dusting.’
‘Yes, and if you live in a pokey little place, it would…’
‘My place isn’t pokey!… But it is a tricky business, you know, buying art…’
‘Oh, I know…’
‘Do you think it would be bad form, when you’ve bought a piece, to, stick a modest little label next to it showing how much you’d paid for it?’
‘Oh definitely bad form… Why? Were you thinking of..?’
‘No, no, I was just wondering… But it definitely is a tricky business…’
‘You just said that.’
‘I know, but you see, works by unknown artists are relatively affordable, but works by well-known ones are ridiculously expensive.’
‘Aren’t they just!’
‘Imagine having a David Hockney on your wall.’
‘I can’t…’
‘Right!… You see, but if you bought something relatively inexpensive…’
‘No, relatively inexpensive… it would be much more effective if it looked like it was a lot more expensive, than it actually was. Do you see?’
‘Yes, I can appreciate your dilemma.’
‘It’s a right bastard, isn’t it?’
‘Indeed it is…’
‘And then, there’s whether it’s signed or not!’
‘Well, the more obviously expensive works are either not signed at all, or it’s just a scribble that no one can bloody read! I mean, imagine having a real David Hockey hanging over your fireplace, if nobody could read the sodding signature!’
‘A waste of good money!’
‘That’s right!’
‘May I ask you a question?’
‘Go ahead.’
‘Are you familiar with the work of the painter Tyne?’
‘I, er, well, oh, doesn’t he do paintings of…’
‘It’s a she…’
‘Oh yes, of course. How could I have forgotten? Her work is very sought after, I believe… Wasn’t she mentioned in, er, the Times, er, or was it the Guardian last week?… But why do you ask?’
‘Well, as you were just talking about the way artists sign their work, or don’t bother to…’
‘You know my Border Collie portrait, that I mentioned earlier?’
‘I found that on the back it is signed P. Tyne – she always signed them on the back you know.’
‘This is one of her very early works, done when she lived in a small village quite near here…’
‘No, I mean, er, gosh, you lucky devil! I’ll bet people are queuing up at your place to come in and look at it!’
‘Oh, yes, I have to beat them off with a stick, all the art critics have been round, Andrew GD, Waldemar J…’
‘Goodness me!’
‘You see, I can spot a real Phyllis Tyne when I see one…’
‘Yes, yes, I’ll bet you can… Phyllis Tyne eh? Hey!… I see what you are saying!’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in art, celebrities, conversation, creation, drama, existentialism, humour, painting, seeing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Thinking of getting some art…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    To sign or not to sign? I think I shall sign all my paintings (in the future) as the Baroness!! hoho!

    • Dave Whatt says:

      Me, I usually just put ‘DW’ and the date at the bottom of mine – I mean, who’d ever want to forge MY stuff?… Ha!…
      And what about those people whose signature covers a bottom quarter of their bloody painting? Now, that really does look amateur!…

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