Just some Mayonnaise on the phone…

But first…
Dulltown, UK/Europe: Today’s confused film stars are: Navid Diven, and Kal Vilmer.

Isn’t it awful when the phone rings in the middle of the night, in the middle of the long quiet hours of the early morning? This occurred at 5.23.
Oh god, what ghastly emergency has arisen?…

I nervously picked it up. A voice so loud that it hurt my ear, I had to quickly hold it an inch or two away, said, ‘Have you heard?…’
‘Eh?…’ I said.
‘It was just on the fucking BBC!…’
‘The fucking BBC? Hello Tony,’ I said, and straightway hung up on him.  Yes, the voice was that of Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. The phone rang again within seconds – being a poet, he is immune to such out and out rudeness.
‘Didn’t you hear it?…’ he said.
He ranted on for a good fifteen minutes, without pause, about the news that Britain had a new Poet Laureate, and that he didn’t think much of the new holder of that position. Words and phrases such as: miserable-voiced, dreary, self obsessed, unimaginative, nice, bland, cosy, inoffensive, and safe, were interspersed with sharp invective and a few inventive expletives.
In a brief pause, as he caught his breath, I manage to say, ‘So, you were passed over again then Tony?…’
He responded with, ‘Fuck off Dave! Just you listen to this!’ He then made me write down his latest spoem (spoof poem) as he shouted it at me down the phone:

A mockery horse – dapple moss!
A salmon music sociability card?

A rockery horse – speckle cross!
A trout mood singularity card?

A crockery horse – tickle toss!
A bream motor susceptibility card?

A sock donkey – pickle boss!
A smelt tone bastard snag card?

Tony Mayonnaise. 2019

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
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6 Responses to Just some Mayonnaise on the phone…

  1. Sharon Mann says:

    I think Tony is trying to tap into his inner “Jaberwocky”…and he does need some manners.

  2. David Manley says:

    TM is channelling his innermost desires here methinks…a touch of morris dancing magic in there?

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