A thread through the upper mandible of the bill…

But first…
Dulltown, UK/Europe: Today’s giraffe is the one getting stuck half way up the stairs on a double decker bus.

‘Suppose it was 1934! And suppose we lived in Britain. And suppose Google hadn’t been invented…’
It hadn’t!
‘And suppose we wanted to find some, some, information, on…’
On what?
‘Well, on cookery, or good manners, or stuffing small birds, or getting rid of mice, or how to address a baroness, if you were writing her, say, a letter…’
Oh, I know… What you’d do is have a thumb through the good old The Daily Express Enquire Within of that year. There would be everything you could possibly wish for in its information-packed pages. Look, here’s a photo of the title page! Oh, what a very nice emblem that is!…

At the head of each page there are some uplifting words of wisdom, or a proverb – I will include some of these with today’s selection.

Page 349. (Envy is a self-executioner.)
Addresses of Persons of Rank and Distinction.
Nobility and Gentry:
i. Duke or Duchess.
Superscription: “To His Grace the Duke” (“Her Grace the Duchess”) of…
Commencement: “My Lord Duke” (“Madam”)
Conclusion: “I have the honour to be, My Lord Duke (Madam), Your Grace’s most devoted and most obedient servant.”

Page 80. (Time brings everything to those who can wait.)
Hot Cross Buns.
Take of flour two pounds and a half; sifted sugar, half a pound; some mace, cassia, and coriander seeds; then form a paste consisting of half a pound of butter dissolved in half a pint of hot milk. Work it with three tablespoonfuls of yeast and place it before the fire for about an hour. Make into buns and set them on a tin in front of the fire for half an hour, brush them over with warm milk and bake in a fairly hot oven.

Page 444. (Contentment will both clothe and feed.)
Cautions for the Prevention of Accidents.
v. In filling a lamp with paraffin or naphtha, never fill it to the top. Leave space for the spirit to expand with warmth.
xiv. Do not stand near a tree, or any leaden spout, iron gate, or palisade, in times of lightning.
xvi. Never throw pieces of orange-peel, or broken glass bottles into the streets, but kick into the gutter any that you see on the pavement or roadway. By doing so you may save many from meeting with dangerous accidents.
xix. Never leave saddle or draught horses, while in use, by themselves; nor go immediately behind a led horse, as he is apt to kick. When crossing a roadway always go behind a cart or carriage, never in front of it.

Page 451. (Every man’s house is his castle.)
Preserving Animals, Plants, &c.
Small birds may be preserved as follows: – Take out the entrails, open a passage to the brain, which should be scooped out through the mouth; introduce into the cavities of the skull and the whole body some of the mixture of alum and saltpetre, putting some through the gullet and whole length of the neck; then hang the bird in a cool airy place – first by the feet, that the body may be impregnated by the salt, and afterwards by a thread through the upper mandible of the bill till it appears to be free from smell…

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in animals, archeology, books, brain, food, giraffe, history, humour, information, instruction, learning, reading, serendipity, surrealism, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A thread through the upper mandible of the bill…

  1. Jheron Bash says:

    “Envy is a self-executioner”. Indeed!
    I’m thinking of e-mailing the Duke of Sussex. Do I still need to use the correct superscription, commencement and conclusion?
    Preserving a small bird 🐦 is an unpleasant faff, isn’t it? Why would you? In fact, everything in 1934 looks a right faff! Sounds like you’d need a bloody big oven for that hot cross bun recipe as well…..

  2. ktz2 says:

    scooping out the bird’s brain eeeeww

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s