Dulltown, UK/Europe: Today’s confused film stars are: Mette Bidler and Swatrick Payze.
Outside Dulltown railway station (I refuse to to call it the ‘train station’) yesterday afternoon, I noticed a gang of chubby miserable-looking people brandishing union jack flags; they were doing a bit of shouting about leaving the European Union and were gesturing with angry fingers at a posse of slightly less fat people across the road who were waving blue and white EU star flags and holding pieces of cardboard cut from muesli boxes with the word ‘Stay’ fairly badly written on them.
There was plenty of cat-calling and some cheery badinage going on, but it looked as if that’s as far as it would go – that is the British way after all.
Suddenly a shabbily dressed skinny man sprang out from nowhere and began dancing and gyrating whilst dodging the traffic in the middle of the road between the opposing groups. He was waving a piece of paper in one hand Neville Chamberlain style. He was obviously drunk as two lords and was shouting louder than both sides put together – ‘Leave now! Join again later! Leave now! Join again later! Just get on with it! All this is getting fucking embarrassing!’ He had a coarse, but familiar voice – yes, it was Tony Mayonnaise, ne’er-do-well poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League.
Then, a large female traffic warden materialised from somewhere, strolled purposefully across, grabbed him by the arm in mid prance and pulled him out of the path of a hooting passing double-decker bus.
The two factions having paused open-mouthed in their remonstrations during Mayo’s performance now happily resumed their chants, and equilibrium was restored.
The piece of paper in Mayo’s hand turned out to be a copy of his latest spoem (spoof poem) written specially for the occasion – he’d been hoping for a rostrum to stand on, and a microphone and public address system to recite his spoem through, but neither group could afford such luxuries – this is Dulltown after all.
It was but glassy snorters, all time!
Financial cross-pipe cocoa tubes.
Frightened bugle – boss boss boss!
ABC cheese – no, no, no!
Powder gum rivals wooden sin!
It was but rotund protuberances, all time!
Dangerous dip-strap contraband dots.
Reassured caramel – cork, cork, cork!
ABC gravel – no, no, no!
Liquid meat rivals pebble sighs!
It was but gelatinous muffs, all time!
Fluted man-brake ruminant garlands.
Frightened tympani – boss, boss, boss!
ABC denim – no, no, no!
Dusted chain rivals rubber exclamation!
It was but accountancy bums, all time!
Spire grate spoem amoeba chunks!
Reassured toffee – cork, cork, cork!
ABC meringue – no, no, no!
Varnished pup rivals optical guilt.
Tony Mayonnaise. 2019.