A ‘live from the cafe’ mental rant…

But first…
Dulltown, UK/Europe: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: gullible, interprovincial, sphene, tribrachic, impavid, nomothetic, bipinate and crusty.

The title of this post suggests that I have gone ‘live’ on t’interweb – I haven’t really, but the lines that follow were written down in my little notebook at the time.

Wednesday, 26th June (yesterday) an upstairs room in the cafe in the Market Square, Beverley, a few miles north of Dulltown:

A few minutes ago I was sitting here with my tea and bun in this quiet room, I had just opened a letter to read which I had received in the post this morning. There were three other people in the room – a couple chatting quietly in the corner, and a chap at a window seat happily tapping away on his phone – a pleasant way to spend some time in the afternoon.
A minute ago there was a sudden ruckus, well no, not really a ruckus, but two middle-aged men clumped noisily in with their tray of beverages, they were conversing as they did so in a surprisingly loud manner – they set up camp at each side of a low table a few feet in front of me. They were both dressed in dull, perhaps drab, but expensive clothing; one had a dark full beard and the remarkable thing about the other one was that he had dangling from a string around his neck an unusual Christian cross – it seemed to be made of brown wood and was about six inches by four – that’s a good size for a wearable cross. They started chatting and the beardy man, who had with him a newspaper, was introducing topics from it for discussion. Their conversation was loud…
I’m moving from past tense to first person present now dear reader.
I expect you are wondering why am I bothering to document this in my little notebook, it doesn’t seem that remarkable, does it? Well, it’s because they are both speaking so very loud! I think I’ll write that again, they are both speaking so very fucking loud! I’m sure that people can hear them clearly on the floor below. I am amazed at their lack of consideration and their apparent ignorance of the conventions of polite society – to stride into a quiet room occupied by people enjoying a nice afternoon beverage, and totally destroy the ambience – me, I can’t stand ambience destroyers!
What with the chap having a jumbo-size crucifix bobbing away on his chest, and the choice of subjects that his pal is picking out of the newspaper: LGBT issues discussed in schools, the church, Christianity, what Muslims might think, Middle Eastern politics, etc. – here in my head, for some reason, I’m imagining that these two might both be Christian priests…
Aha! That could account for the way they are employing their voices to maximum effect. I expect they are used to addressing their flocks in echoing resonant halls or churches that can’t afford a microphone and a decent PA system.
They aren’t actually shouting at each other, but they are on the edge of it. How can they behave like this? Are they that arrogant, that they aren’t aware of the other people sitting quietly a few feet from them? Gosh – what confidence they have! Is it the Holy Spirit in them that makes them behave like this? Are all religious people like this? Isn’t there anything in the bible about ‘being polite in public places’? How would Jesus behave in this cafe? I’ll bet those Zen masters weren’t like this when visiting cafes, I’ll bet they’d just smile and serenely close their eyes when having their afternoon cuppa…
I just tried staring at the beardy chap in the hope that he might realise how annoying they were being – no effect at all! I think he thought that I might be just disagreeing with what he was currently spouting, and that he might want to start an interesting dialogue with me… What I do feel like doing now is first attracting their attention, and then saying (I am forming the words carefully in my mind) – Hoy!… Yes, you two!… Now, listen, I’m not remotely interested in what you are saying, but – for fuck’s sake! Could you keep the noise down a bit! You, you, pair of inconsiderate twats!…
But of course I’m not really going to say anything at all, what I am doing is getting my noise-cancelling headphones out – see, I’m switching my music player on and – ah, good – it’s DEVO doing Come Back Jonee. That should take the edge off this… this, hell on earth…


About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in adjectives, brain, conversation, drama, existentialism, expletives, humour, information, irony, observations, overheard, people, religion, serendipity, swearing, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to A ‘live from the cafe’ mental rant…

  1. Jesus would have forgiven them, whereas the Pharisees would probably have stoned them. The Zen masters would, as you say, just accept it. I would have gone to Waterstones.

  2. Sharon Mann says:

    You needed a good rant, and did “so quietly” with the written word!

  3. Dana Doran says:

    Kudos to you for being so “tolerant.”

  4. Jheron Bash says:

    I feel your pain, Dave! Oh, I do so hate these loud talky people. What is it with them? & they’re everywhere!

  5. Ugh. Some people. Annoying. Thanks for the Devo video, one of my favorite songs of all time! Thank god for headphones!

  6. David Manley says:

    A live broadcast uummm…that might be good…though were T. Mayonnaise to burst in your account would almost certainly be closed down…

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