Some opening lines for stories never to be written…

But first…
Dulltown, UK/Europe: Today’s confused film stars are: Gel Mibson and Smaggie Mith.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was their first house purchase, a modest two bedroom red brick terraced house in a run-down part of town, but Rudolph and Betty Cubbs soon fell in love with it. One day Rudy pulled up an unsightly piece of ancient dark pattered linoleum from the kitchen floor and discovered a concealed trapdoor; below was a white marble staircase leading to several secret extra floors and many luxurious…

Jerry Snipe thought that the reason might be that he had recently driven past the Large Hadron Collider at CERN whilst holidaying in Europe; the phone had started playing up soon after that. Also, he had just read an M R James story about a pair of ghostly binoculars which viewed past events – his phone was now clearly photographing ten minutes into the future – Snipe would soon be very very rich…

The summer’s day was hot and still. The village was quiet save for the sound of chanting coming from the open door of the stolid squat Norman church; it was Sunday. Pamela Quip walked down the centre of the street; two women wearing ginger beards were sitting outside the Crippen Arms drinking mid-day cocktails. A large fat pink pig darted across the road – glancing up and grinning at Pamela as it trotted past…

It was all very well finding a large cobra coiled up, snoozing, next to the bread bin on your kitchen worktop, but when Babs Tingle looked out to the back garden and saw that half of it had dropped away into a twenty-foot sink-hole full of bubbling red lava, it was, for Babs, the last fucking straw! She immediately phoned her good friend and confidant, Archbishop Cuplow for a quick calming homily – he said that…

High Wizard Moldup’s familiar, Black Cat the Fifth, Whap, stood by the closed door to the herb and poison garden meowing repeatedly and wagging her ragged old tail. Moldup snapped, ‘No, no, beast of Thoth! Thou shall not go out today!’ Whap narrowed her impish green eyes and stared at her master in silence for a measured second, then quickly morphed into a stocky jackdaw, fluttered and flapped up and began pecking furiously at the rusty latch…

 

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in celebrities, creation, drama, humour, information, magic, people, phones, puzzle, surrealism, swearing, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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