Mayonnaise at 2 am…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected colours are: Beethoven brown, Brahms blue, Handel heliotrope, Wagner white, Grieg grey, Chopin cherry, Strauss silver, Vivaldi violet, and Puccini pink.
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Late last night, the phone rang.
My landline one. I don’t bother with those other nasty little things.
It was just past 2 am. I reached out of my bed and put the thing to my ear. Before I could say anything, a deep Scottish-sounding voice said, ‘If you were, say, a 1940s blues musician, what colour trousers would you wear’?
I thought for a moment, turned the bedside lamp on, and I said, ‘Why are you trying to sound Welsh’?
I had by then recognised the voice as being that of Tony Mayonnaise, useless poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League. He responded to my question with, ‘Welsh? Fuck off!… I’m being Scottish!…’
I put the phone down on him, but he rang me back straightway.
He continued, ‘It’s going into the van.’
I responded with, ‘Eh?… What? Your Surrealist Van’?
‘That’s right!… That’s right – the mascara snake’!
‘Mascara snake? It’s not a real van, is it? I know you can’t drive, anyway? What do you want…? I’m in bed. It is the early hours’!
‘What colour trousers would you wear’?
‘If I was a 1940s blues singer’?
‘Yes, you, oaf’!
‘Brown.’
‘Brown’?
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘Imagine, a car, full of sausages…’
‘Full of sausages. Cooked, or raw’?
‘Raw, I think…’ he said.
‘Is all this because you want me to put your stupid van thing onto my blog post tomorrow morning’?
‘Possibly… What are you doing in bed, so early’?
‘Listen, you jerk. I have a pen and pad handy, it’s my bedside pad for marking down good ideas when I wake up.’
‘Do you have good ideas, when you walk up’?
‘Not very often… Start talking now, you blithering Welsh person – I’m poised…’

A brand-new Tesla car filled with floppy, uncooked sausages.
A gold knob once snapped off the Ark of the Covenant.
A sigh of disappointment captured in a matchbox.
A six-foot glass sphere full of wiggling worms.
The England football team all dressed in pigeon suits.
One of Leonardo da Vinci’s socks.
A full-size model of Stone Henge made of chocolate.
A Volvo SUV, carefully cut into two equal parts, down the middle.
One of King Charles’s best crosshead screwdrivers.
The Story of the World caught inside a snowdrop.
A pair of brown trousers once worn by Hambone Willie Newbern.
A rainbow roughly nailed to a barbed wire fence.
A candidate’s application form for Ruler of the World.