So what is it that those TV ads are trying to tell us?…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: yawning, higgledy-piggledy, nympholeptic, horometrical, chimeric, antipyretic, sternutative, and boxy.

Fast 4G and wi-Fi! – that dogs will love! – find your perfect relaxation! – get the SIM that’s just right for you! – it gets to work instantly! – octaspring! – it’s always fun! – more channels than ever before! – designed to entice dogs! – it’s time to start something new – burgers for everyone! – call for your free consultation! – quality afternoons! – take a stroll down memory lane – and save a hundred and fifty pounds! – now in longer lasting rolls! – voted product of the year! – it’s perfect for staying in touch – paranormal entertainment! – a better and more beautiful planet! – make sweet memories¬† – fifteen percent off everything! – a rustic coffee table? – we help you to get it right! – all your creature comforts! – handled with care – improves your nails’ appearance! – best flight and best hotel! – anyone over fifty! – to support a normal immune system! – three-seater recliner! – dirt and pet hair – big taste experience!…


Posted in adjectives, advertising, brain, humour, information, instruction, money, poetry, serendipity, style, surrealism, TV, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Four fairly interesting things…

But First…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s honoured guests are the Rudy Giuliani lookalike twins, Rachel and Sandra Blither – come on in, waddle across and take a seat on the sofa – my, you two are looking stylish today! Love those stick-on bulging eyes!… (click)

Of course, this photograph isn’t one of my ‘art’ photos, it’s more of an Uncle Dave’s diary sort of picture. You’ll have seen that I have given this post the title Four Fairly Interesting Things… – how interesting they turn out to be depends of course on how easily you are bored.
Shall we start on the left and work across? Oh, by the way this picture was taken in my living room a day or two ago – er, the walls aren’t quite as bright a green as that – the camera was trying to be flattering and over-egged the colour a bit.
1) So, sitting in its pot on the window sill, is a cactus – I had to slide it a couple of inches to the right to aid the composition – ouch! It took me ten minutes to pull all the nasty tiny little spines out of my left forefinger using tweezers! Not a very good start to the ‘shoot’ then!
I was given the thing by a friend a few years ago; it was from a ‘cheap cactus shop’, and it had a brightly coloured artificial flower glued onto its side; it was only about three inches tall back then, but as you can see, it has done surprisingly well since it decided to cast off its silly plastic flower…
2) This is my Gibson SG (solid guitar) Standard ’62 reissue guitar; it’s 12 years old now and is still in good condition. Doesn’t it look marvellous against the green? At this point the non-guitarists amongst you should put on a simpering smile and nod enthusiastically. There are only about four or five basic shapes of electric solid guitar that look good and stylish – this is one of them. I think it is a lovely design; relatively lightweight, slim body, comfortable to hold, the body and neck are made of mahogany finished with a transparent red lacquer, it doesn’t look anything like any other solid electric guitar – note that the player has easy access to all of the 22 frets with none of the body woodwork getting in the way.
Oh, by the way Dave, what is that, that it’s plugged into?…
3) That, is a cheap Squier practice amplifier that my guitarist friend Joe gave me. It sounds alright – however, I remembered that I had a Celestion G10 ‘Vintage’ loudspeaker in a cardboard box kicking around in my spare room – I spent a day knocking up a plywood cabinet to install it in, I also came across an old metal speaker grill, actually for a 12″ speaker, that’s been sitting in that room gathering dust for years, so I screwed it on the front just for the look of it. A couple of coats of matt black paint, a bit of wiring, and… Whoa! It doesn’t half sound good!… An amazing improvement!… You wouldn’t believe the difference the better quality speaker makes!…
Hang on Dave, what’s that there, on that clipboard, leaning against the wall?
4) Ah, that’s a test print on copy paper of a lino cut that I last fiddled with several months ago – see, it’s got pyramids on it – just a few days ago I noticed that there was a pair of woolly fingerless gloves lying on top of the block which had been left on the back corner of my bench, and there was also an electric iron nearby – yes the block was cut when the weather was cold, probably back in February. So, I thought that I should make the effort to get the project going again – I managed to knock out a quick test print from it. It’s placed there against the wall so that I can glance across and look at it, to pick fault with it, so the block can be adjusted and tweaked before the final edition of prints on good quality Japanese paper is done…
One day dear reader, you may see the finished version of this marvellous print on these pages!…

Posted in art, celebrities, composition, creation, design, fine art prints, green, guitars, humour, information, photography, prints, serendipity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Some overheard and misheard snatches of cafe conversation…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s sound is that of an electric lawnmower encountering a long-lost length of rusty barbed wire.

‘Ed, try hovering in it next time…’
‘A sixoid? What?…’
‘And they wanted twelve quid to polish it?’
‘The three tarts can’t wait.’
‘It was the great Victorian squirrel Steve.’
‘Drinking Walter?…’
‘Hard work a-mining – yes!…’
‘I used up the hour as if to say I’m not fed up…’
‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha…’
‘It was like a sponge on my brain.’
‘What? A psychoceptre?…’
‘Bernard, please don’t put your legs across like that!…’
‘You don’t leave any more of that rollinger.’
‘Waneach, waneach! Only one!’
‘It was a passive jukebox.’
‘It’s like painty-paint Tom.’
‘And it’s golf-ball size ordinary.’
‘No o’clock in the morning?’
‘Our love is worth a tie!’
‘A frission point? In the night?’
‘Mabel knew what you were doing Jake!’
‘I’m sure I put it in my bad pocket…’

For some information on how these lines are compiled, you could click here.

Posted in brain, cafe, conversation, drama, dreaming, Dulltown, humour, misheard, overheard, poetry, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bird talk…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s heraldic term is Label – a difference mark across the chief of the shield applied to the arms of a son, usually the heir. (Label)

‘Let me ask you something…’
‘As a dove – you are a dove, aren’t you?’
‘Well yes…’
‘So, as a dove, what do you think of parrots?’
‘Well, I don’t know really, they’re alright I suppose. You’re a pigeon, what do you think of them?’
‘They are a bit bright, don’t you think?’
‘In what sense?’
‘In both senses…’
‘Yes, the humans think so…’
‘They think parrots are pretty intelligent, as well as being bright looking.’
‘Bright looking?’
‘Ah, right… They’re a little bit too flashy for my taste though.’
‘Hm, then there’s the mimicry.’
‘Oh, yes, that’s clever I suppose – but me, I’ve never bothered with the mimicry.’
‘Me neither, there’s no need for it is there? I find it a bit demeaning.’
‘Yes, they are just ingratiating themselves with the humans – being cute, just to get their heads rubbed!’
‘Have they no dignity? Mind you, having your head rubbed is quite nice.’
‘Yes, but those parrots are an embarrassment to us all.’
‘Yes indeed!’
‘Have you noticed a lot of our young birds seem to be in thrall of parrots.’
‘In what?’
‘Thrall! Thrall!…’
‘You sound a bit like a crow.’
‘Oh shut up! Yes, the youngsters watch parrots closely all the time – they adore them, they want to be like them.’
‘Yes! It’s a creeping trend, even amongst the fledglings.’
‘But they don’t have the colour or the style of their idols – our birds are too drab to…’
‘Hey! We’re not drab, we are subtle – not brash and gaudy – all that bright red and yellow, it’s not decent! And, I don’t know why they come over here anyway! It’s not right!’
‘Actually a couple of my best friends are parrots.’
‘I know a cockatoo too…’
‘A cockatoo too?’
‘Bloody cockatoos! Too cute, and far too cocky!…’
‘So, our young birds want to be like parrots?’
‘Do they do the mimicry then?’
‘No, it’s too hard – beaks are the wrong shape.’
‘I see, so, what do they…?’
‘It’s just the general style of the parrot, the swagger, the attitude, you know, the cool, that certain snappy look that tropical birds have – all the kids are trying to copy it – oh, what’s it called?’
‘Parrot fashion?’
‘Yes, yes, that’s it!… It was on the tip of my beak…’


Posted in colours, conversation, cool, drama, heraldry, humour, information, style, surrealism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Chet on the bus…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s slow motion image is that of a seagull swooping down and pinching a chocolate flake out of someone’s ice cream cone on the seafront at Bridlington. (Brid)

Do you play vinyl much?
I do have a turntable, but I don’t play records very often. They do sound good though, it is well-known that there is something about the sound of a needle on vinyl that is ‘superior’ to that coming from CDs and digital files – but I can’t put into words quite what it is…
Anyway, yesterday I went for a day out, a change of scene, to Beverley, a small market town a few miles north of Dulltown – a friend of mine calls it ‘Dulltown Minor’.
Whilst there, for some reason, I drifted into a charity shop called Caring For Cats East Yorkshire. On the floor in front of the bookshelves was a tatty cardboard box full of LP records at £1 each Рthe record on the top was one from RCA 1969 by Chet Atkins.
Have you heard of Chet? (Chet, is apparently a nickname for Chester.) He was a very good guitar player. As you may know I like to play guitars, but I don’t play much like Chet did, me, I like blues music – he was mainly a country guitar picker, but I can appreciate his clever and inventive playing, but his music doesn’t move me anything like as much as that by someone such as Skip James.
So, on an impulse, I picked it up, slid the disc out, examined it for scratches, found it acceptable, and handed over my pound coin to the cat man lurking behind the counter – I probably won’t play the record much, but I was just in the mood for buying something – and of course I was, in a small way, helping those sad eyed cats…
On my way home, on the front seat upstairs of the bouncing double-decker, I took the LP out of my bag to read some on the blurb on the back – but not before succumbing to the urge to photograph Chet sitting on my knee with a glimpse of the road, the A1079, out of the front window in the background… Click!…

Not a bad shot eh?
Here’s a sample of the writing from the back:
If he had decided to become a farmer, we’d probably be taking six-foot super green beans for granted. What Chet Atkins decides to do, he does all the way. The right way. Fortunately for a couple of million fans of good music – from country and western to classical – Chet Atkins decided to forsake the farm fields and trade in his old pistol to buy a guitar…
Chet once said all he could do was play the guitar. That’s okay with us. There are plenty of people out there growing green beans…

I’ll see if I can find one of the tracks from the album on YouTube for you to listen to:
Please click here.

Posted in archeology, blues, composition, cool, guitars, humour, information, music, photography, serendipity, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

A few titchy items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s novel pencil sharpener is the one shaped like the sound of the wind rattling the trees in the night.

Excuses for being late. No. 372.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I got to thinking about the Archimedes screw. (AS)

A single overheard remark:
‘Ann is going to get fat and fat…’

‘Your sweater really frightens me…’
‘Oh, how come?’
‘I have angoraphobia…’
‘Ah, right… Here, I’ll put my coat back on.’
‘Thank you, that’s better…’

An observation:
I have noticed recently that after sitting in the cafe writing blog stuff whilst guzzling green tea and scoffing on a chocolate brownie (both loaded with caffeine of course), on the way home I generally get the urge to play some sparkling and clever stuff on my electric guitar as soon as I get in. I rarely do though, by the time I get there the caffeine buzz has subsided and I become distracted by other things…

Just thinking about old records… Have you noticed how many great tunes and riffs there are packed into Turning Japanese by the Vapors (1980)? Was this song a bit racist? And I wonder, was it popular in Japan? I don’t know. It is very well composed and produced though… So lively and catchy… (TJ)

An observation:
Everyone in town yesterday had Mona Lisa faces, even the little children…

Damn spam!… Damn spam!…
I love it really though – especially when the item is written in confident exuberant English…
Here’s one, fresh from my comments box, it seems to be from someone called Donalda:
‘Attempt natural remedies to lighten your pearly whites. Peroxide and cooking soda pop have long been recognised to whiten tooth. These may be used with each other being a paste to brush your teeth with. Also you can swish with a combination of hydrogen peroxide and water 2 or 3 times daily. This may not only whiten your pearly whites but will boost the general express of your oral health.’
Well, Donalda, I have jotted down the things you mention and I will try them out over the coming week. Thank you, and don’t hesitate to get in touch again, I love your style!…

Yes, I’m thinking of changing my name to Pierce Lidd-Gentley.

A single overheard remark:
‘Give it a week Ted, then you’ll start spawning…’

Posted in brain, cafe, composition, conversation, cool, Dulltown, existentialism, Hull.UK., humour, music, observations, physics, science, serendipity, style, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Mail Art Postcard. No. 4622…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s combined food and insult is – You, you onion bumpkin!…

Hang on – dear reader, are you fed up with me saying ‘whoa!’ all the time? I would be, if I were an average reader of this scruffy little blog.
Ah, but then, you see, I don’t crave ‘average’ readers – I produce this daily work for sensitive, artistic, sophisticated, thinking, intellectual folk… just like you…
So Dave, that’s why you stick a lipsticked mouth on a cutting of a silly face from some children’s fluffy toy?’
Well, I… It’s surrealism! It’s surrealism!…
Yes, here is Mail Art Postcard number 4622 – a simple collage on bright card using snippets from that awful British TV listings rag What’s On TV.

How do you see it?
No, what I mean is, do you see a piece of paper with a woman’s mouth on it slapped onto a picture of a… what is it? Some kind of bear?…
Or, do you see a woman hiding inside a costume of some kind – the head of which has a hole cut in the front so she can breath and talk to the other people at the party? Me, I never get invited to parties like that. Imagine meeting her coming down the stairs as you are wandering about with a glass in your hand trying to locate the toilet! Mind you, if I were invited I probably wouldn’t go… Well, the parties I’d get invited to wouldn’t feature red-lipped ladies in bear costumes, but would be full of plump old people knocking back red wine, frowning and discussing house prices, Brexit, electric cars, and holiday farmhouses in France…

To me, the mouth doesn’t look quite right, there’s not much warmth in it, she looks a little bit too cool and detached for her situation, don’t you think?
‘I’m only in this bloody thing because I’m getting a fat fee – what do they expect? Acting?… This cynical half-pout of mine is all I’m prepared to offer, I regret agreeing to be involved in such a stupid idea!…’

Posted in advertising, art, brain, composition, creation, expletives, humour, information, postcards, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment