Whoa! Just look at all this spam!…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual pencil sharpener is the one shaped like the sound of an owl hooting into an old hollow tree.
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Spam in my comments box! Doh!…
But still, some of it, not much, is nicely bizarre…
I don’t know it these things are the results of bits of text being translated through two or three languages before they settle here, or whether they are generated by software from fragments of existing writing and then spread out, for some unfathomable reason, around the world just to deliberately puzzle people.
Let’s have a look at a selection of some recent ones:

Williamanid:
The best way to showcase the upper lash collection and not generate an overly spidery fringe is to apply a strip of the untrue lashes that can be used for your decrease lashes. Apply from part to spot and since they are reduced than usual falsies, they will thicken the lash line and never trigger abnormal elongation.

Scarlet:
Youll bb e able to play it any time you want.? Daddy answered.
?As a result of speaking about how great God is makes
him glad and it’s worship. Play it earlier than youu go to sleep tonight and if y ou get up within the morning and God shall be closee to
you all day long.

You-tube:
Somebody essentially assist to make critically articles I might state.
This is the first time I have frequented your website page and so far?
I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular post extraordinary.
Fantastic task!

Robertfi:
When your water tension would seem low, you might need to clean the display screens which can be located in the brain of the sink. Unscrew the sink brain and saturate the monitors within a solution especially designed for dissolving difficult drinking water develop up white-wine vinegar also operates inside a crunch. The vitamins and minerals that increase in the displays is effective in reducing the level of drinking water that can flow from the sink.

Posted in advertising, brain, creation, humour, information, instruction, puzzle, serendipity, surrealism, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mayo fresh off the train…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected colours are: milk mauve, bouncing buff, trumpet turquoise, bluff blue, practical pink, and elementary ebony.
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On Thursday afternoon it was persisting down with cold sleety rain; I nipped under the arches into the railway station to get out of it. (Yes, I’m still refusing to call it the ‘train station’.) I was standing shaking the sleet shards and droplets off my hood when I was unexpectedly nipped on the elbow – the thing which nipped me turned out to be a poet – it was Tony Mayonnaise, from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League.
‘I’ve just come back from York,’ he said (his breath smelled of an assortment of different alcoholic beverages), ‘I’ve been staying with a friend, been to see the Nash you know,’ he added.
‘You have a friend?’ I asked, with as much irony as could muster.
He ignored my implied metal and said, ‘Just finished a great spoem (spoof poem) on the train – it’s one I started this morning – in my friend’s bathroom.’
I didn’t respond.
‘It’s an alternating spoem.’
‘Oh yes?’ I said, as I glanced out to see if the rain had eased off.
‘It’s intricately spliced together…’
‘Really?…’
‘…it has alternate lines sourced from…’
‘Sourced are they?…’
‘Yes, from the bottles and things on the bathroom shelf, and they are interlaced with all the stations on the line from York.’
‘How fascinating…’ I said, as I stifled a yawn…
‘Here, have a spare copy of it – it’s fabulous! It really needs to be read out loud though…’

York.
Classic Scourer.
Ulleskelf.
Citrus Burst – Anti-Calc.
Church Fenton.
Deep Action Gel Citrus.
Sherburn-in-Elmet.
Long Lasting shine – Fresh Scent.
Selby.
0% Alcohol – No Burning.
Wressle.
Dual Action – Fights Plaque.
Howden.
Cavity Protection.
Eastrington.
Unique Neck – Better Reach.
Gilberdyke.
Tea Tree Tingle – Invigorating.
Broomfleet.
Beauty Cream Bar.
Brough.
Spray – Leave – Rinse.
Ferriby.
Extra Whitening.
Hessle.
Firm Control Without Stickiness.
Hull.

Tony Mayonnaise. 2018.

Posted in art, brain, colours, composition, conversation, cool, creation, Dulltown, Hull.UK., humour, information, irony, poetry, serendipity, style, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Spatter Painting No. 39…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: festering, matutinal, psammophilous, spondylous, wambly, and gargantuan.
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Come on, let’s have a splash of colour this Northern Hemisphere frosty January morning! Here’s one of my bright spatter paintings for us to hold our chilly fingers and palms up to – almost as good as a nice big mug of steaming hot chocolate… Well, no, not really…

Spatter Painting No. 39. 2017. Acrylic paint and black ink on white drawing paper about 29″ x 18″.

Perhaps I should say something about this fine piece of work?
Well, alright then…
Dribble, splash, spatter, splatter, drip, drip, drip, run rivulet run, run rivulet run… splat, splat, splat, tilt and run, tilt and run…
Then, at some time later in the week, when things have dried out – and with CDs playing in the background…
Draw, encircle – My mind is like a plastic bag – draw, draw, encircle – And I try and I try and I try-e-eye – I can’t get no… black ink, black ink, draw, encircle – Smokestack lightnin’ – shine like gold – whoo-oo – whoo-oo – encircle, curve, curve – It’s just a shot away, it’s just a kiss away – black line curve, black line curve, drink tea – It’s just a song… it’s just a song… it’s just a song about ping-pong! – rotate the paper, black line, black ink – What’s your name? Virginia Plain? – draw, encircle, draw, black line, black line – Soy un perdedor – I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me? – rotate paper, draw, black line, black line, encircle – And the colored girls go – Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo – black line curve, black line curve, encircle, encircle, drink tea…

Initial, date it… DW 2017…

Posted in adjectives, art, blues, brain, colours, composition, creation, drawing, dreaming, humour, information, music, painting, serendipity, style, surrealism, weather, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Yes, I heard it on the BBC…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s existential angst is centred around the sound of the word bathyscaphe…
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I may have mentioned this before in these pages, but I do find the British Broadcasting Corporation a bit cocky and annoying…
‘Oh god no! What is it now?…’ I hear you mutter.
Well, a while back, on the BBC’s World Service radio station they introduced a new-style news programme; they called it Outside Source.
Outside source? What the hell does that mean? Outside where? The street in London where their studios are?
The only difference you could hear between this new thing and a normal news broadcast was the noisy distracting hubbub of a busy newsroom in the background as they told us what’s been happening in the world – I suppose this was an attempt to make things more ‘exciting’ and ‘real’ and ‘up to the minute’ for the listener.
Outside Source – it must be a bit of journalist jargon that I’ve not encountered before.
The BBC folk these days are desperately trying to be ‘cool’ – well – plump, smug, middle-class journalist cool – it’s a bit like when your grandparents buy themselves bright expensive trendy training shoes to go round town in. They are relentlessly promoting themselves (the BBC, not your grandparents) along with their programmes and their news output. And they are trying to convince us that all their journalists are modern heroes and heroines, putting themselves in danger daily, all over the world, just for us. Every hour or so on the BBC TV rolling news they show us a montage of video clips (with stirring throbbing 120 BPM music) of their plucky people wearing Kevlar vests nervously doing ‘pieces to camera’ with explosions, smoke, sad-eyed children, and some nice ruined buildings burning in the background…
Ah, but back to Outside Source – I suppose the idea of that title is to encourage us the audience, to enter into the wonderful world of journalism and its odd vocabulary – so that we can be ‘cool’ too:
‘Hey Bob, I heard a very interesting thing on Outside Source yesterday…’
‘Did you Jane? What’s Outside Source?’
‘It’s what the BBC are calling their new news programme Bob.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know… Maybe it just sounds better than “The News”…’
‘Ah, right…’

Breaking News… Breaking News… Breaking News… Breaking News…
Well, not really – but recently I noticed that they seem to have suddenly abandoned calling it Outside Source.
‘Really Dave? That’s very odd. What do they call it now?’
Well, it’s now called ‘OS‘.
‘What does OS mean?’
I suppose it’s the initials of Outside Source – they probably think that we have learned that piece of jargon by now, so they’ve made it even cooler sounding by trimming it down to OS.
‘Hey Bob, I just heard something very pithy on OS.’
OS Jane? What’s that?’
‘It’s the BBC news Bob.’
‘Sure it’s not BS Jane?’
‘Oh, you’re probably right Bob… Yes, it’s been going that way for ages – oh, what a pity…’
‘Indeed Jane…’

Posted in advertising, conversation, cool, existentialism, fashion, information, observations, style, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Mail Art Postcard. No. 4539…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s imagined sound is that of all the components of a rock drum kit being thrown, one at a time, down some ancient marble steps in a reverberant cathedral.
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It’s a mail art postcard!
A simple collage perpetrated on yellow using cuttings from that awful British TV listings magazine What’s On TV – did I just say ‘perpetrated’? I did?… Oh, never mind…
Who is this engaging person? No, please don’t write in and tell me – I really don’t need to know. She is probably very well-known here in the UK – I expect she’s the central character in some soap, or perhaps an hilarious sitcom of which I am unaware. I seem to be writing this in an odd and old-fashioned style – ‘an hilarious’ for instance – I believe that ‘a hilarious’ is correct by the way – I think I might have been reading too much Vladimir Nabokov lately and he’s slowly taking over my brain. Not a bad thing…
Where was I?
Ah, yes – look, there’s an apple on her forehead. Of course there is…
This is a feeble attempt at surrealism – we’ve all seen the Magritte painting with the apple haven’t we? (Apple)
Which reminds me, many years ago I staged a photo in homage to that Magritte work – I wonder if I can find it? Ah yes, here it is:


I stuck a teaspoon into the side of a lunch apple and got my friend to support it in his mouth for a moment whilst I clicked – the picture was well worth all the messing about though wasn’t it?
But back to my card:
The applied fruit suits her I think. It beams almost as much as she does. And see how it complements and interacts with the ovoid geometry of her lovely face – it’s as if she is projecting warm fruity thoughts – oh, and how the shape and colour of its lower edge cleverly (not really, that wasn’t planned at all) echoes the upturned corners of her smiling mouth…
Yes, quite a pleasing card – I’d be very happy if someone sent me a card like this…

Posted in advertising, art, brain, composition, creation, dreaming, food, humour, information, Mail Art, painting, photography, postcards, seeing, surrealism, TV, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Some snatches of overheard and misheard cafe conversation…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s quotation is from Vladimir Nabokov‘s 1937-40 novel Despair:
And those pines facing me, with their bark resembling reddish snakeskin drawn on tight, and their green fur which the wind was stroking the wrong way; and that bare birch tree on the forest’s edge (now why did I write ‘bare’? It was not winter yet, winter was still remote), and the day so balmy and almost cloudless, and the little stammering crickets zealously trying to say something beginning with z… Yes, it all meant something – no mistake.
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‘But what trouser is it Paul?’
‘It was half-an-hour of ipsimus fluff.’
‘Molligation is definitely on the cards.’
‘It’s not! It’s not!… Although…’
‘To varnish over it, as I walked out?…’
‘Him big bear, two days muscle.’
‘It really was free foam Sarah.’
‘Sprinkle it Johnny, sprinkle it!…’
‘Yeah, chule is sensible.’
‘I was mucking with Ned in sluggy dreams.’
‘Peeping money, cream, and a single shoe…’
‘Yes, I know, but it did stop clopping!’
‘It was enthronement and laughter!…’
‘I just looked at now coming over it then.’
‘What? Candle my even betters?’
‘No, not two pies though Trev…’
‘Know that’s what table-diner, say your offer.’
‘Harry is past his screwdriver.’
‘The family sheets?…’
‘He had like a big mouth again…’
‘Sweet tiger-land, we’ve been here before.’

For some information of how these lines are compiled, you could click here.

Posted in books, brain, cafe, conversation, cool, drama, dreaming, Hull.UK., humour, information, misheard, overheard, people, poetry, reading, serendipity, sex, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Gutter art…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s dictionary words are: varve, vartabed, variscite, vasculum, vatic, and bolometer. Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. As the professor will be bringing his own bolometer into class for you to see, your sentence which includes that word should be a particularly impressive and erudite one.
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Ah, another chance find! Serendipity!
Yes, trying to be a good photographer is all about keeping your eyes open!
So, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde – We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking, not at stars, but at interesting bits of wood…
Well that’s got the smart-arse stuff out of the way – how’d you like my photo dear reader?

Two things attracted my eye as I wandered up the road that day: firstly, the colours on that piece of broken off fence rail – how rich the mossy green was and how pale the freshly broken wood was – doesn’t the naked wood have the colour and texture of nicely cooked chicken? And secondly its position, lying there over the dirty yellow no parking line – it’s a bit irritating the way it is, don’t you think? I’m sure at the time I was tempted to reach down and shift it into more aesthetic placing over those yellow stripes, but I didn’t. It certainly looks a bit tentative doesn’t it – as if it can’t quite decide where it wants to be – stupid inanimate thing!…
Anyway there we go, another fairly alright photo.

As I have suggested before, try to imagine this picture blown up to about four metres by three, hanging on a white-painted posh gallery wall in a large room somewhere nice – how about Tokyo, Barcelona, or Berlin?…
There – that looks better, doesn’t it?…

Posted in art, brain, composition, cool, creation, humour, information, observations, photography, seeing, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments