Yet another arse picture…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s dictionary words juxtaposed with colours are: vitrage violet, olecranon ochre, remurmur red, grackle green, mortmain mauve, and proveditor pink.

On my arty trip to Liverpool a while back – you remember, I wrote piece all about it (click here) – I took a few photos, one of them, taken in the Walker Art Gallery there, featured a pair of carved marble arses (‘asses’ for my US readers) which I showed you a day or so after posting the journal of my outing.
I thought that today that you might like to see another one of these photographs – yes, this is another arse photo – arses are so eye-catching aren’t they? You can’t go wrong photographing arses – they are so universally popular – people seem to warm to them – it makes you want to reach out and…

As you see, these bulbous buttocks take up the greater part of the composition, but how about the crouching winged child to the right, the cherub, the putti, (no, putti is the plural) the putto, on his (or her?) mushroom and plinth. See how on taking the picture I focussed on the texture of the arse so as to render the background child a bit blurred and out of focus in order to give the illusion of depth to the composition.
It’s not a great picture, but it does have a nice dynamic don’t you think? Is the putto deliberately avoiding looking at the encroaching arse?
‘No, no, no, not another arse!…’ he says, ‘Being trapped here in this bloody gallery all these years, I’ve seen far too many of those cold hard round things!…’

Posted in academia, archeology, art, colours, composition, creation, history, humour, photography, sculpture, seeing, smiling, swearing, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Carefully forming not-a-queue…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: scrumptious, barristerial, spancelled, omphalic, curule, prolegomenary, and cute.

I don’t know if it is a world-wide convention, if not it should be, but I think it is a prerequisite for the smooth running of society, and it engenders – what’s the word? Oh yes, politeness. I’d like to think that wherever there are buses in the world, and people waiting to get on them, the people will form nice orderly queues. That seems pretty civilised, and it doesn’t seem too unreasonable, does it?
I remember, years ago, when I was visiting London, I was somewhere in the middle part of that great sprawling dirty mess – there was a bus stop on a busy shopping street (was it Regent Street?) with a horde of people clustered around it, they weren’t forming a queue, nowhere near anything like a queue! When the bus bounced up they all rushed forward and fought each other to get on it. I recall being quite shocked. Is/was London all like that? Was it just an isolated incident, or is/was this sort of thing commonplace there? They were like blood-crazed hounds jumping, snarling, and snapping at a poor double-decker fox…
I’ll bet, dear reader, that you are wondering where all this is heading – you may have spotted that a few lines below there seems to be a photo to look at. Don’t be embarrassed, I don’t mind you peeking at it this early on in the tale.
I had ten minutes to wait in the Dulltown Interchange the other evening – I fancied getting on the number 1 bus sitting empty at stand 5. It seems that people here in Dulltown are sometimes unenthusiastic about forming queues – I have no idea why. There were several people clustered around the bus bay, but it was definitely not a queue. As I joined them I took my place at the at the back of the group; as I waited I pondered on the mechanism which might have formed this interesting grouping.
I think it goes like this:
There was a bus (but without a driver) in the bay – which means that if you are first there and you approach the sliding glass door to the outside, it will (because it senses that you are there, and that there is also a vehicle present) slide open, then after a moment it will get bored and slide shut again; it will do this repeatedly for as long as you are near it. This is a bit annoying, but is no great hardship. So, the first person to arrive will tend to stand back a little from the door so as not to trigger this monotonous and irritating reciprocating action.
So far, so good.
So, what does the next person to walk up do? Do they go and stand behind person one? Tricky! This of course would be the birth of a queue, a proto-queue, which would be sensible. It would be alright if person one was standing close to the door, but as they are standing back a little, it seems a bit funny to go and stand close up behind them – issues of personal space and embarrassment might crop up… Hm… So, person two decides to lurk off to one side, perhaps waiting for more people to arrive, who may possible form a proper orderly line. When person three sashays up to the scene they see two people who are obviously not in a queue, but just lurking unconnected to each other in the vicinity of the door. What do they do? Three finds a strategic place to lurk too, avoiding going too near either of the other two – and so it progresses, and that strange thing – not-a-queue is formed.
The not-a-queue is a very subtle entity, and it takes up a lot of space, all the positions are carefully worked out with regard to the order in which people arrived to join in with this intricate farce.
Time for the photo – I held the camera fairly high up to try to get everybody in.

Ah, good, here comes the driver – he boards his bus and leaves its doors open for folk to get on. Everyone edges and shuffles forward a little in anticipation, but at the same time being very careful not to step in front of anyone who was, there before them – everyone here has by now got a mental map of the correct order of things. Hang on a minute, the people closest to the door seem a little bit reluctant to move – they gesture to each other, muttering, ‘No, I think you were first…’ ‘No, I’m sure you were…’ etc…
From my position at the back I am tempted to either shout out, ‘Get on the bloody bus you nitwits!’, or march in a brisk manner through the dithering throng to the front and get on the sodding bus…
Still, I do think this is definitely a lot better than the London model…

Posted in adjectives, brain, drama, Dulltown, existentialism, expletives, Hull.UK., humour, information, observations, puzzle, seeing, surrealism, swearing, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Just some more small, but pithy items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected fish names are: the ghost flathead, the gizzard shad, the longjaw mudsucker, the bicolor goatfish, and the armored searobin. Goodness me, I do like the sound of the last one!… I wonder what they look like… (Click here!)

Excuses for being late. No. 385.
I’m sorry I’m late, but one of the valves in my computer burned out…

A single overheard remark:
Any sort of hyper-trousers Jill…’

‘I had a great idea a couple of years ago.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘Mm, you know how many coarse stupid people there seem to be…?’
‘I suppose so…’
‘And all those people who never got a decent education?’
‘Er, yes…’
‘Well, I thought, the world of politics should really try to accommodate them all, and…’
‘Have a person, just like one of them, at the head, to represent them?’
‘Yes… Oh, damn!…’

An observation:
In town yesterday I saw four separate Theresa Mays walking about – she has such a distinctive dress sense, and walk, you couldn’t mistake her, er them… (click here)

An idea for a musical performance:
We’d go out into the street with a concealed sound recorder during one of the regular screaming rows going on between the local neighbours, and record it, and then later carefully transcribe the argument complete with all the effing and blinding and coarse language. Then we hire a hall, and a piano, and a pianist, and a couple of posh classical singers, possibly one male and one female to suit the gender of the characters in the recording – the music played could be that for a nice bit of Schubert lieder, but instead of the original words, our singers would sing crisply in their posh plummy voices the swearing and banter from our recording. See, it’s a good way of dragging classical music into the 21st, or even 19th or 20th century. I think it would be great! ‘Don’t you talk to me like that you fucking crack-head slut…‘ etc. Don’t suppose we’d get funding for it though… (click here)

How about a nice slice of spam from this morning’s comments box? This dainty one seems to be from someone called James-bl:
Normal water aerobics is an excellent very low effect physical exercise for joint inflammation victim due to the fact furthermore it place small force on bones, in addition it offers amount of resistance for build up. In case you are unpleasant with doing these in big organizations study a number of techniques and choose to adopt to the pool. You are going to become more comfortable.
Thank you James-bl, I feel more comfortable already just reading your message, but I think that I might be unpleasant doing them, I’m going off to adopt to a pool as soon as I have the time. Please send more stuff like this – it is lovely, and I like your style utmost.

Yes, I think I might be changing my name to Sue Povtha-Day.

A single overheard remark:
‘You can often see the likes of Judi Dench there Barbara!…’

Posted in art, celebrities, conversation, cool, drama, Dulltown, existentialism, expletives, Hull.UK., humour, information, music, observations, overheard, seeing, serendipity, style, surrealism, thinking, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

This is not art. No. 30…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s instruction is to lay it flat on the bench, round off the four corners using a rasp and your half round bastard file (HRBF) – use winding sticks (WS) to check for flatness – take the surface down with several grades of glass-paper (GP) until perfectly smooth – now dust it off with a soft brush and slide the palms of your hands backwards and forwards over it saying, ‘Hmmmm… Hmmmm…’ in a husky sensual voice.

Wow!… Isn’t this beautiful!…
Oh, sorry dear reader, we’re not supposed to use the word ‘beautiful’ any more when describing art, are we? Even if it is… Which this, in my opinion, is.
For me it has everything required: subtle and delicate colour, interesting form, the way it constrains itself to an implied and invisible rectangle, texture, just look at those flaky pale grey vertical tatters in the lower third, the way the piece veers away from being purely abstract as soon as the viewer spots the eye of the sinister blue beast peering through – is it inviting us in, or repelling us?  And of course the insubstantial letters of text sitting there defying us to make sense of them, and finally, the almost obscene stinking earthy brown of the substrate…

So, I was walking down by the side of a cheapskate takeaway pizza shop on a Dulltown housing estate when this caught my eye; it was low on the wall; it was obviously the spot where posters were occasionally displayed. The blue beast is on the last poster that had been put up there, what it might be advertising I can’t guess, I hope nothing to do with the ingredients of their pizzas! (Should that be ‘pizze’?)
It’s pretty dynamic isn’t it? I wonder if it’s still there? I think I might have caught it at its best don’t you?…

Posted in abstract, advertising, art, composition, creation, design, Dulltown, humour, information, instruction, observations, photography, serendipity, style | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Getting out of a gig over the back…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s stick of rhubarb is the unusually straight one – I’ve been using it as a ruler to mark out the drawing for my next lino print.

It’s that book again!
‘What book is that Dave?’
Why, my battered and smelly old junk shop copy of The Daily Express Enquire Within from 1934 of course – the one with the nice emblem on the title page – it always reminds me of the sort of thing they’d have back then as a logo for the Olympic Games.

This book contains everything that a nice middle class family should need to know in order to enjoy their sophisticated and well-informed life in the Britain of the 1930s – I can’t recall seeing any reference to that lively Mr Hitler busy doing things somewhere offstage to the east though. Still, it does cover a wide variety of categories, it was the Google of its day! Each page is printed in two columns with usually three or four items in the each. Across the head of each page there is printed a proverb or a line of pithy wisdom for you to glance at and be enlightened by as you thumb through – I will include some of these items of pith with today’s selection:

Page 444. (He who serves well needs not to be afraid to ask his wages.)
Carriage Accidents.– It is safer, as a general rule, to keep your place than to jump out. Getting out of a gig over the back, provided you can hold on a little while and run, is safer than springing from the side. But it is best to keep your place, and hold fast. In accidents people act not so much from reason as from excitement; but good rules firmly impressed upon the mind, generally rise uppermost, even in the midst of fear.

Page 443. (Patience and perseverance accomplish wonders.)
Cautions for the Prevention of Accidents.
vii. Never quit a room leaving a poker in the fire.
xii. When benumbed with cold beware of sleeping out of doors; rub yourself, if you have it in your power, with snow, and do not hastily approach the fire.
xiii. Always air vaults, and damp and confined spaces, by letting them remain open some time before you enter, or by scattering powdered lime in them. When a lighted candle will not burn, animal life cannot exist; it is therefore an excellent caution to use this simple test before entering.

Page 224. (He is well paid that is well satisfied.)
Laws of Employer and Employed.
Agreements with menial servants need not be stamped; but contracts of a higher and special character should be.
Liveries.– It should be agreed that servants deliver these up on quitting service.
Illnesses.– If a servant, retained for a year, happens within the period of his service to fall sick, or to be hurt or lamed, or otherwise to become of infirm body by act of God, while doing his master’s business, the master cannot put such servant away, nor abate any part of his wages for such time, unless the servant agrees that he may do so.

Page 99. (Procure not friends in haste, nor break the ties of friendship needlessly.)
Hints on carving.
Hares should be placed with their heads to the left of the carver. Slices my be taken down the whole length of the back; the legs, which, next to the back, are considered the best eating may then be taken off, and the flesh divided from or served upon them, after the small bones have been parted from the thighs. The shoulders, which are not much esteemed, though sometimes liked by sportsmen, may be taken off by passing the knife between the joint and the trunk.


Posted in archeology, books, food, history, humour, information, instruction, reading, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Some song lyrics misheard over the cafe hubbub…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s existential angst is centred around the phrase – ‘award-winning’.

‘No, no, puppa, puppa, ocean-ocean…’
‘Everything’s so low – you can grease too long…’
‘Peas!… Push that cushion!.’
‘I wake up every bun in the catholic years girl.’
‘I know it baby, I bake, I fry…’
‘Heavy rotation, cool paste, na-na-na-na, na!’
‘I’m alone in time, I am down in things, in things…’
‘Oh more rigour, baby I know your notebooks now…’
‘Is it low pinions or just a moan from the night?’
‘She got jim-jep eyes, she got his frame now…’
‘The rabbit is home in the tomorrow.’
‘Catch her eye, pass by – blue night…’
‘The spiralling night-time babe, wanna hold you in dreams.’
‘Nar-now, laughter panda, breath me a smile girl.’
‘A reason rearranged, a fender she comb home.’
‘And now you get me a pine lamprey…’
‘I look, I look, I look!’
‘Whoa, whoa, pup pup pup!’
‘Waterloo broad beard – ocean ocean…’
‘A feather for me, but just a newt for her.’

Foe some information on how these lines are compiled, you could click here.

Posted in abstract, brain, composition, dreaming, existentialism, humour, information, mind, misheard, music, poetry, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Some more of those Crush characters…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully chosen adjectives are: bumptious, carapacial, penannular, zoanthropic, and buxom.

Ah, good old Veronica Crush – writer from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, now living in New York with tall tree surgeon and heir to a multimillion dollar fortune Monty Tick. I love it when she sends me a bunch of her spare character names – apparently she comes up with several every day, but the real difficulty she says, is finding interesting things for them to do in her stories.
If you are a writer and you have great ideas, but struggle with naming your characters, feel free to dip in and choose a two or three from this colourful list! No charge!…
Veronica, minx that she is, has sneakily included a real name into the list – see if you can guess which one it is…

Bill John Bilgeon
Ellie Fantarse
Lady Violet Hearthrug-Jones
Lou Smice
Tristram Hillier RA
‘Dirty’ Dirk Dagger
Lord Bastardhead of Smeths
Norma Ninvayders
Ivor Snorting-Hogg
Jimmy Japes
Cecily Balloon-Moon
Phyllis Tyne
Dr James Inglemire
Baroness Doran of Memphis
Sir George Pram
Lucy Malpuck-Chymes
Clemency Duxong
Brad Honeyhips.

(Real name solution.)

Posted in adjectives, brain, creation, humour, information, people, puzzle, style, surrealism, thinking, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments