Some overheard and misheard snatches of cafe conversation…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s chimpanzee is the completely naked one.

‘Das ist wood?’
‘I nokey here, uneven.’
‘An agganorman?…’
‘Cafe coffee cups!…’
‘Oh, not make, bode…’
‘Just round mine off for me June.’
‘Waspy, they know where you are.’
‘Brain-head, hey, brown bread!’
‘Telly-seven, it was a fiscal tidy.’
‘You are no gentleman!’
‘An evasive move, a final ship…’
‘Sorry darling, nothing registers.’
‘Then you’ll be remembering a rell-dish Colin.’
‘Light flight adjustment?’
‘Nine sweetie nine!’
‘A tied up duff, I do adore it… Don’t, don’t!…’
‘Edwina, four Thames barges?’
‘Dangling file back of the cake again.’
‘What?… Sorry?… A core pit?…’
‘Oh, simpling…’
‘Downy muscle, just pay for the words.’
‘You’ll be seeing roofs and horse-wipe.’
‘It was semi-angular, right next to you.’
‘Oh, to fall from another one!…’

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I think I’ll call this one ‘Rubbish’…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s random dictionary words are: abreaction, aboulia, abomasum, abiogenesis, absterge, and xyster. Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Extra marks will be awarded for having clean protractors and compasses.

DSCN3583No, Dave! I’m sorry, you can’t photograph rubbish and dirty dirty things!…
Hm, but it’s nice the way the background, the road surface, looks as if it’s vertical in the picture and the stuff is resting on horizontal kerbstones – a friend of mine said that he thought that it looked a bit like some offerings on altar…
I suppose it’s all about perspective, no, no, not that kind of perspective – just imagine future archeologists carefully excavating these precious relics of the 21st century:
‘Look here George, this Rizla packet is in surprisingly good condition, pass me the finds tray, I’ll see if I can lift it all in one piece…’
‘Hold on Jim, look… I think I can see an actual cigarette paper too!… Amazing!…’
Perhaps I can justify taking pictures like this with a quote from Paul Rep’s very nice book Zen Flesh, Zen Bones (1957):
Sozan, a Chinese Zen master, was asked by a student: ‘What is the most valuable thing in the world?’
The master replied: ‘The head of a dead cat.’
‘Why is the head of a dead cat the most valuable thing in the world?’ inquired the student.
Sozan replied: ‘Because no one can name its price.’

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So, what is it that those TV ads are trying to tell us?…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s instruction is to take the protruding lugs between finger and thumb and give each of them a good twist to the right; this should raise the domed studs at the end of the arm tube. Run an oily rag over all the metal parts and thoroughly clean the round inspection windows before standing it outdoors in a shady place in early March.

Plus an extra controller! – captivating fragrances! – indulge yourself – there’s nothing stronger and faster – keep your family healthy – sometimes it’s better the other way round – 99.9% of bacteria! – the electrical muscle stimulation – glistening gateau – search winter cash back! – an adorable chocolate bear! – what do you do? – a place you can go and escape – the weekend is here! – subject to availability – in-store clearance sofas! – the perfect gift! – it includes a free case – I’m on it! I’m on it! – our expert engineers – succulent steaks! – enjoy life to the full! – a hundred pounds now! – just as irresistible – a great football pull-out! – gentle softness – for really great coffee and drinks! – I make it special! – chutney range – all the best deals – soothes irritation – a really clean and fresh taste! – amazing broadband speed!

Why not get on a crowded bus and sing these words to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s old favourite ‘Fly Me to the Moon’?

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Decalcomania and idiots…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s featured fruit is the glum plum.

PB200001Yes, a few years ago those deadbeats, the surviving members from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, thought it would be a really great idea to have some HSL t-shirts printed up and asked me to design something for them. I decided that one of my decalcomania prints might be an appropriate and striking image, and I came up with this design.
By the way, if you are not familiar with the term, decalcomania is a form of loose ‘slap it about’ print making which relies heavily on serendipity and randomness in its execution; it was quite popular with the original surrealists back in the early C 20th. If you’d like to know more about how I do my version of decalcomania printing you could have a look at a post of mine on the subject. (Link)
Of course the members of the HSL, being disorganised buggers, were too busy squabbling amongst themselves to actually get round to having any t-shirts printed… and of course I never received any thanks for doing the design…
Still, here it is, now having some sort of life here on the internet – stylish and cute, isn’t he?…

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Mail art postcard No. 4513…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s existential angst is centred around the shape of the question mark.

Hey dear reader, would you like to see another of my recent mail art postcards?

W F 4513 DSCN3763‘So Dave, tell me, what’s this one all about?’
‘Well Stella, it’s called ‘Leather Organiser’.
‘I didn’t ask what it was called David, I asked what it was about…’

Yes, what is it about? (By the way, isn’t the shape of the question mark nice? Just look at it – the way it curves round in that cute ‘asking’ sort of way…)
Obviously this is just a piece of fluorescent card with a couple of snippets from an old copy of that awful TV listings magazine What’s On TV stuck on it. I regularly have a good thumb through those thin pages and cut out any images that might make amusing mini-collages. I always find plenty of suitable eyes and mouths – they are great for transplanting onto people and animal faces; I also cut out pieces of interesting text too…
What is a ‘Leather Organiser’  – I’d really like it to be an actual person whose job is to organise leather in some way, but I think that it’s probably just some expensive fashion accessory that you keep all your everyday crap in…
Still, I think this card works quite well; it certainly has a surreal and sinister feel about it, what do you think?…
‘Look here Mary, your wallet, your gloves, your shoes, your nice going-out belt, and the holster for your 357 Magnum revolver are all scattered around your bedroom floor – and look, what’s your pony saddle doing on your dressing table? I think you might require a visit to the ‘Leather Organiser’…’
‘Oh no! Not the ‘Leather Organiser’! Really, I will have the place tidied up in a flash, just you see!’
‘No Mary, I’m sorry, it’s too late, it’s a the ‘Leather Organiser’ for you, first thing in the morning…’

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Some small, but pithy items…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s old wrinkled black and white snapshot is the one of me chatting about corgis with Her Majesty back in 1963 .

Excuses for being late. No. 242.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I needed to take a reading on my azimuth.

‘What do you think of my new slippers?’
‘There are, very slippery…’

Last night I watched a documentary about Edward Snowden and that the NSA and GCHQ are spying on us; later I watched some footage of some barbarians smashing up sculptures in a museum… Ah, happy days…

A single overheard remark:
‘Just slap an engine on the bastard…’

An observation:
I’m sure I saw bluesman and songster Huddie Ledbetter pushing a trolley full of shopping in Tesco’s supermarket yesterday. No, it couldn’t be… could it? I’m sure he was humming Goodnight Irene though… (Huddie)

If I happen to give a little cough to clear my throat whilst in the company of others, people always think that I ‘mean something by it’, and they say, ‘Well?… What is it?… What’s the matter?…’

A single overheard remark:
‘Oh, and I was so embarrist…’

I think I might change my name to Carmen Relaxed..

An observation:
On the upper deck of a moving bus: A rather fat, but well dressed business woman comes crashing up the stairs having a loud phone conversation with some underling called Nick, she repeatedly uses his name. She stands wobbling in the aisle removing few layers of clothing using one hand and then plonks herself down on a double seat and continues ranting at poor Nick for a further ten minutes. She then puts her phone away and takes out a small jar of white cream from her impressively large handbag and starts slapping it on her pouting face in front of a small mirror.
It was gripping entertainment, but I did feel sorry for Nick…

I heard on a science programme on the radio that the vagus nerve in poor people responds when they are shown pictures of people suffering, but there is no similar response in rich people when the images are shown to them.
I think this explains a lot about the behaviour of our politicians…

A single overheard remark:
‘Millions could lose money Tim!…’




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Loud Mayonnaise…

But first…
Dulltown, Europe: Today’s random dictionary words are: degras, deglutition, dehisce, deiparious, dejeune, and wagenboom.
Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Should the professor be breathing heavily and wearing a Darth Vader helmet you must not draw attention to, or remark on this.

I was walking through town yesterday pondering on which brand of kitchen towel I should buy when I was hit on the left temple by a lightweight projectile. It bounced off and came to rest on the top of the low wall supporting a raised bed of urban shrubbery. It was a ball of rolled up paper.
‘Ho ho!… Got you!… Got you right on the head you bastard!…’
I turned and said, ‘Hello Tony…’ It was Tony Mayonnaise, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League; he was standing in the doorway of a pub with a hand-rolled cigarette in the side of his mouth and a pint of beer in his hand.
He continued, ‘Pick it up, pick it up!… It great!… It’s for your blog thing – it’s a new spoem (spoof poem)… I’ve had it in my pocket all week – I knew I’d bump into you. Why don’t you come in here – you can buy me a pint…’
I declined his kind offer and picked up the ball of paper and put it in my pocket. I made some excuse, and quickly walked off. I could hear him shouting after me, ‘The spoem is just the scaffolding, and the foundation trenches, for a great novel… which I don’t need to actually write!… The experience of reading that spoem should be identical to that of reading the whole novel… if the reader has any fucking aesthetic sense at all!… See you Dave…

One tigstrap monobar alponate dax,
Moonawl monobar geem chipple dax,
Cuppy cuppy cuppy lounge-packs,
Plangent four.

Two fourline monobar colourdare dax,
Transanter monobar coatle mog tail-packs,
Flabbondo cuppy cuppy cuppy dax,
Plangent three.

Three teddymen monobar tidge core-packs,
Toothang monobar pudge upnight dax,
Ting cuppy cuppy cuppy cuppy dax,
Plangent two.

Four nonette monobar yzmo tupsy dax,
Orollol monobar crage quappy diddid dax,
Ulto cuppy copy cuppy copy cuppy dux,
Plangent one.

Tony Mayonnaise. 2015.

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