More spam than you could shake a stick at…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s instructions are: ladle the juice out of the tub and retain it in small earthenware jars, rub the dachshund’s paws with a moist cloth, put several coloured rubber bands around your bicycle pump, tune all the strings of your guitar to E, turn all your jumpers inside out, start wearing sunglasses in bed at night, pour the juice out of the earthenware jars back into the tub.
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The unusual or surreal ones are printed out on sheets of A4 paper, the blank parts of the sheets are snipped off, they are all then held together in a bunch with a rusty bulldog clip for ease of storage. Yes, I’m talking spam. It always cheers me up when I see that an item of interesting spam has dropped out of the sky into my comments box – mind you, it’s usually only one or two of them per week – I wouldn’t like it if there were hundreds of the bloody things to deal with…
Here are some choice examples picked at random – no, no, if they are choice they can’t have been picked at random, can they? – But I’m sure you catch my drift dear reader…

Williama:
Include gloss or coloration to your mouth. Applying tinted lip gloss to the lips helps to give your mouth a gentle, finished seem. If you are looking to draw in a lot more focus to your mouth area, add more lip stick or lip blemish. With the addition of either one of these simple it can help to improve your entire look.

Bill:
I amm sure this piecwe of witing hhas touched alll thee internet uswers, its
rreally rreally pleasant artcle onn building uup neew website.
I’ve been browsung on-line greater thaan three hours as of late, yet I neger foundd anny fascinating artice as yours.
It iis beautiful vaqlue enoughh foor me. Personally if all siite owners aand bloggers mace giod content materrial aas yoou did, the web wiol bee muhch more helpful than evedr before.

Williama:
Use custom error pages to produce your website more educational. For example, if you would like customers to document lifeless hyperlinks on your own internet site, sometimes placed a hosting server-part set of scripts in your 404 page or have a sort of current email address that site visitors may use to document the mistakes at a minimum.

Jamesbif:
Continue to keep more deodorant about anywhere you go. Expecting mothers perspiration. Trust me it’s not just gleam, it is actual sweating. Remain free of moisture and smelling clean with deodorant. Take into account considering acquiring a few transportable fans to help you keep dried out and perspiration free of charge whenever possible.

Jacklin:
Effectivel luke Mommy mentioned, when wwe love eacxh oter and love thhe world that Jesus died for, that’s a sort of worship. Alfter we think about God and listen too the sermon or in Sunday Faculty, that’s a way of worshipping
because were learning hoow great God is aand He likes that.
Or after we sit round and tell each other what the greatest things about God are.
You know how a lot yoou like listening to individuals say how good or cute you boys are? Nicely God likes when we discuss together about how great He is. Daddy answered.

(Shake a stick at)

Posted in advertising, brain, dreaming, existentialism, humour, information, instruction, poetry, serendipity, surrealism, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Avenger Trek revisited…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual and interesting china teapot is the one shaped like the flukes of Moby Dick – although this pot is easy in the hand, it is unfortunately a rather awkward pourer.
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Ah, I see an episode of the Avengers from the 1960s is on the TV, and on another channel an episode of the original Star Trek. Damn! As usual I’ll have to flick between the two with the remote and enjoy them both – I’m sure it will be fun though…

‘Happy birthday Mr Steed!’
‘I’m still getting no signal Captain…’
‘Ho ho ho ho!…’
‘Steer a course towards it Mr Sulu…’
‘Ah, good morning Mrs Peel, do come in!’
‘Captain’s log Stardate 1512 point 2.’
‘It’s just a quiet dinner with an old friend.’
‘I do break out in a little sweat.’
‘It’s bald as a baby’s elbow!’
‘Kirk here! What’s going on?’
‘Is it an orgy of excess?’
‘There’s no answer from the cube captain…’
‘But how about half a bottle of nice claret?’
‘It’s been motionless for eighteen hours sir…’
‘What? And bumping into Santa Claus?…’
‘A space buoy Mr Spock?’
‘Freddie came into my dream again Mrs Peel…’
‘It was radiation from the short end of the spectrum.’
‘Well, I do know it wasn’t me!’
‘There’re not machines Jim!…’
‘It’s dead as a door nail I’m afraid!…’
‘But Dr McCoy added a diet change…’
‘I should forget about it if I were you my dear.’
‘Something is grabbing us Captain!’
‘I think I’ll just put my feet up and relax…’
‘Fascinating captain…’
‘Steed, have you seen the morning papers?’
‘Spock!… A mile in diameter?…’
‘How about a bottle of champagne then?’
‘You have transported into our star system!…’
‘No, no, it only exploded metaphorically.’
‘If I could only locate where that voice came from…’
‘The post mistress at Ongar?’
‘You only have eight Earth minutes left…’
‘I could give you call at around ten if you like.’
‘Escort him to his quarters Doctor!’
‘Ho ho ho ho!…’

(O.P.O)
(S and P)
(C K)

Posted in conversation, cool, drama, history, humour, seeing, serendipity, smiling, Star Trek, style, surrealism, TV, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

That’s an odd composition Dave…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s old and little used expletive is Whirligigs! – a euphemism for the more common Balls! or Bollocks! I think I might try slipping it into conversation today, I’m sure it will trigger a few raised eyebrows and puzzled expressions. You are talking absolute whirligigs!…
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Here’s a photo (a scanned 35mm negative) from my days of black and white film and darkroom photography – it’s probably from the late 1990s or the early 2000s.
It’s an uneasy composition isn’t it?
I like to be uneasy now and again.
I suppose we are juxtaposing again here – I’m fond of a bit of juxtaposition – it gives a composition a ‘dynamic’ feel – the viewer’s eye flits about, uncertain where to land, where to concentrate to try to find some ‘point’ to the picture – if there is a point to the picture.
It’s the breasts in the bra of course.
Are the breasts eye-catching enough to balance the dullness of everything else in the shot – everything else takes up three-quarters of the available space – the weeds, that dreary blank sky, the nasty steel fence, the dappling through the trees? Me, I always like a bit of dappling through the trees, don’t you dear reader?
Men seem to be hard-wired to look at women’s breasts – I don’t think women are drawn to being on the lookout for them quite as much though – but what do I know of such things? So perhaps men will respond to this picture quite differently from the way women will? I think that poster must be advertising a bra – but knowing the advertising industry it could be for anything – a new car? Holiday insurance? A new phone? A new range of electric drills?…
Anyway, there we go, that’s my take on it. It is an odd picture though, isn’t it?
I wonder what title I should give it when I put it on my page on that photo sharing site Flickr?…
‘Urban composition with bosom’ perhaps?… Yes, that will do…

Posted in advertising, art, brain, composition, creation, expletives, Film, history, humour, information, seeing, serendipity, sex, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Rambling on about UFOs…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s colours are: Michaelmas mauve, rope russet, Yucatan yellow, broiling blue, guppy green, frozen fawn, piglet purple, and broomstick brown.
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Unidentified flying objects – UFOs.
I’ve always like the idea of those; ever since I can remember I’ve fancied seeing one – no luck so far though.
Several years ago I was browsing the Dulltown Library shelves (as one used to do back then) and, to my surprise, I came across an old copy of the famous Project Blue Book (what a mysterious title!) which documented a large number of UFO sightings in America; it was published by the US Air Force in the 1950s. People say it was mostly a ‘cover up’ and a ‘whitewash’ (can things be both a cover up and a whitewash? I suppose so.). But I recall it did turn out to be a remarkably dull read.
Back then UFOs were generally saucer-shaped, like a Frisbee, or two metal pie dishes glued together at their rims (I think that’s what some of them actually turned out to be), but now there seem to be quite a few other shapes available. Big dark triangular ones became popular for a few years – the consensus being that the best ones would be jet black, have a white light at each corner, and a flashing red light in its middle.
A few years ago a friend of mine confided that she and her mother had stood and watched in amazement at one of these big black triangular things hovering at midnight over a suburb of Dulltown. Gosh! I wished I’d been there! She said that they never bothered reporting it to anyone though… To whom would one report it?…
When I was at art school someone pinned a cheaply printed leaflet (that they’d come across in the pub) on the college noticeboard; it was advertising a gathering of the local ‘UFO Spotter’s Club’. Out of curiosity, two or three of us went along to investigate. It turned out to be held in a small flat at the top of an old house; there was an elderly chap sitting in a big armchair chatting to four or five teenage lads about ‘mysterious things’ – we three slightly embarrassed scruffy art students introduced ourselves, joined them, and made the madness complete. We didn’t learn much, and after an hour or so we made our excuses and left – yes, it did feel a little bit ‘creepy’. Me, I reckon the old bloke might have been an alien himself…
Now, where was I?
Ah, yes, let’s go back to the saucer-shaped ones –  isn’t it funny how in those blurry old photos they seem identical to a side view of a pigeon in flight…? Clever camouflage I reckon – the aliens had obviously made a careful study earthly birds before designing their spaceships.
Other craft which are less common are: cone-shaped ones, tub-shaped ones, silver cigar-shaped ones, spherical ones, ‘strings of gyrating lights’, and of course enormous fat round ‘mother ships’. These are usually about the size of ‘two or three aircraft carriers’, they are quite playful, but at the same time they are ‘menacing’ when seen and carefully dodged by airline pilots – the pilots generally keep pretty quiet about their encounter when they get back on the ground though – just so that they can hang onto their jobs I suppose…
Me, I’d love to see a UFO!
The thing is that no one seems to have taken a decent photo or video of one of them. Those aliens must be very good at hiding! All the pictures you see have the craft very small in the corner of the frame, so it has to be blown up so much that it has no detail showing – you can hardly make out the portholes and antennae at all! Why isn’t there a good crisp shot of one, full frame, so you can see the rows of rivets, look in the windows, and read the hieroglyphics painted on the side? Surely there must be good snap out there somewhere?
Oh, and another thing, if the aliens are so bashful, and so vary wary of being spotted, why do they whiz about our night skies with all their lights switched on? Surely they don’t need them for driving? It’s not crowded up there! If they switched them off they could relax and not have to be skipping about avoiding fighter planes, nosey radar stations, nerds with binoculars, and doing their amazing bursts of speed (faster than any known jet) and their sudden (beyond the laws of physics) rapid right-angle turns…

‘Hey Squim, why have you just switched our lights on?’
‘Oh, you know me Quam, I do like to show off my right-angle turn skills to the Earthlings. Just look at the poor stiffs down there with their puzzled looks and their stupid bulging eyes!’
‘I really like it when you do something spectacular and then just switch the lights off as if we’ve mysteriously disappeared! Ho ho!…’
‘Hey look down there Quam – there’s a black and white police car driving slowly along a quiet country road in the dead of night.’
‘Oh yes, do that thing where you hover over him, then flood him with bright light – that’s it, that’s it!… Now make his engine cut out and make his watch stop… Ho ho! What fun!… Shall we beam him up?’
‘Hm… no, not this time, I’m not really in the mood for a human…’

Posted in colours, conversation, drama, history, Hull.UK., information, observations, puzzle, science, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

So, what is it that those TV ads are trying to tell us?…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s quotation is from the 1949 novel The Little Sister by Raymond Chandler. Our hero, private detective Philip Marlowe has been drugged:
A face swam towards me out of the darkness. I changed direction and started for the face. But it was too late in the afternoon. The sun was setting. It was getting dark rapidly. There was no face. There was no wall, no desk. Then there was no floor. There was nothing at all. I wasn’t even there.
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Fashion delivered free next day! – for the healthy maintenance of bones – let that goodness in! – escape the city! – powerful vitamin C! – visibly improving the appearance of fine lines – and with no added sugar! – the taste of fun! – unforgettable and shocking! – not available in Northern Ireland – could you be next? – original recipe chicken! – we are all things hair! – Long King big burger! – the best beer in the world! – you will be unstoppable! – frequent heartburn? – take control! – we are specialists in you! – time for a few spins? – our Autumn winter collection! – come on girls! – with memory foam! – we say ‘yes’ every two minutes! – the price is to everyone’s taste! – own ice-cold! – get more out of every day! – wax them, shave them!…

Posted in advertising, books, brain, existentialism, fashion, humour, information, instruction, observations, poetry, reading, serendipity, style, surrealism, thinking, TV, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Stella likes the squirting dollops…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s dictionary words are: elater, ekka, elaeolite, eirenicon, eldritch, elasmobranch, and umbo. Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Should the professor turn up wearing the headdress of the ancient Egyptian Goddess Hathor you must not draw attention to this, nor allow it to distract you from your studies.
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Prototypes. 1990. Pencil on paper about 24″ x 18″ (?)

‘David…’
‘Eh?…’
‘This tea tastes funny.’
‘No, Stella my dear, it doesn’t.’
‘Look, if I say it tastes funny, it…’
‘You were eating a liquorice stick when you came in – look, you’ve still got a dark smear on your upper lip.’
‘A dark smear?’
‘Yes…’
‘This is an old drawing David.’
‘Yes it is.’
‘I think you’ve gone off a bit since then, over the years, David…’
‘Thank you for your insight my dear, another piece of Battenberg cake?’
‘Hm… don’t mind if I do… What about that gap in the sequence with what looks like just a patch of black oil?’
‘Black oil?’
‘Yes.’
‘That was something in the X Files wasn’t it?…’
‘Possibly, so why is that one missing David?’
‘Ah, of course! How so bloody typical!…’
‘What do you mean by that?… You oaf!…’
‘You ignore the lined up, nicely drawn objects, and you want to talk about the one that’s not there! You are being a bit obvious aren’t you Stella? You are not a journalist by any chance, are you?’
‘Hell no!… Is that the sort of thing that a journalist would ask?’
‘Of course… They always pander to the lowest common denominator… Another mug of funny tasting tea?’
‘Yes, alright… Is it Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Tea David?’
‘Of course, what else could it be?’
‘I think I like the second one – the one with the squirting dollops, and the cloud of aerial dust particles.’
‘You think?… Here’s your tea – you… you fallen-into-my-clever-trap squirmer!…’
‘Ha!… I’m not squirming at all… Do you think that last one, the fat one, with the shiny knob on the top, is about to burst open?’
‘Maybe…’
Oh, I do like Battenberg – you should get it in more often…’
‘Perhaps I will… and perhaps I won’t…’
‘Oh, look, all of them seem to have handles.’
‘Yes, it’s so you can pick them up and carry them around the home more easily…’
‘Of course…’

Posted in art, brain, composition, conversation, creation, drama, drawing, food, humour, information, seeing, style, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Just one or two short, but pithy items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: gambolling, chasmogamic, patrilocal, tympaniform, elytriform, caliginous, and rubbery.
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Excuses for being late. No. 361.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I was pestered by lots of autograph hunters.

A single overheard (possibly misheard) remark:
‘They treat you like a gnat, back and front!…’

An observation:
Everyone in town today had very thin legs and big feet – it was like being in a Lowry painting.

Yesterday morning I suddenly developed a migraine as I was glancing at my shopping list for the day. I get a weird visual effect when a migraine is coming on – a ‘hole’ in my vision which gradually turns into a jumping zigzagging line which wanders slowly off to the right and then disappears from view.
Later in the day, after the concomitant headache (a fairly mild one) had eased, I popped into my favourite cafe in town for a cup of tea and a cake – however, I made the mistake of sitting next to the large plate-glass window that looks out onto the street; it has a slight manufacturing flaw right in the middle of it, the optical distortion caused looks surprisingly like a migraine coming on – Doh!…
Don’t look Dave… Just don’t look!…

Today’s old record that it would be very cool to like is Da Da Da by Trio: Click here!

Spam!… Look out! Spam!…
Spam in my comments box again! This one seems to be from someone called Johncusp:
I gett soo mmuch laztely it’s druving mee insane soo any help iss very uch appreciated. I’ve been brlwsing online more than 4 hour today, yeet I nevver found anyy intgeresting article like yours.
It’s pretty wofth nough foor me. Personally, if aall web owners and bloggers made ood contrent as yyou did, the webb wijll bee a lot morre useful thn ever before.
Well, thank you for your kind comments on my humble efforts Johncusp – I will certainly bear in mind what you have said, and I do look forward to hearing from you again soon – best wishes from Dulltown UK!…

Yes, I reckon I’ll be changing my name to Jonah Vark.

A single overheard snatch of conversation:
‘What about Mauritius then?’
‘There ain’t nowt to do there…’
‘Oh, what about Mexico?’
‘No!… That’s in the Caribbean!’

Posted in adjectives, art, brain, cafe, cool, existentialism, history, humour, information, misheard, music, observations, serendipity, style, surrealism, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments