Some overheard and misheard snatches of cafe conversation…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s financial forecast is for figures on bank statements to spin before the eyes and ATMs to snap at plump finger-ends.
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‘What now? Charming chow mein?’
‘Nigel! Nigel! A comb!…’
‘It’s a good point for video cash.’
‘No, you can’t just walk into a swan!’
‘Matthew – a yellow horn Aerosmith convention?’
‘Sudden bins car crash one hundred!…’
‘No! People like religion!’
‘He double timed it like it was stew.’
‘Bombing it down to communicate in glasses.’
‘Just go, go, go – go you guys!’
‘To have to be toad out…’
‘I am a layman of twenty sins.’
’33-10, 33-10, and then you bump into Malcolm?’
‘Ha! This one’s yours Colin!’
‘It was a resolute ice noose…’
‘Skiing latterly I came back on myself.’
’12? 12? 12? 12? A problem ethereal Nigel?’
‘A bump-slide and a lock-you-out.’
‘Doesn’t Holly have a great stare appreciation?’
‘Legsmith Uttoxeter – a pig dapper.’
‘The phase gaps and the woollen transport…’
‘Rat poison fire buoys and a screaming 400 metres!’

For some information on how these lines are compiled, you could click here.

Posted in brain, cafe, conversation, drama, existentialism, finance, humour, information, misheard, money, overheard, poetry, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Mail Art Postcard No. 4700…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s dictionary words are: proglottis, ventil, himation, triquetra, lavolt, and poitrel. Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Should the professor turn up for the lesson dressed as a rustic – muddy gumboots, dead rabbit in trouser pocket, feathers in hat, well-chewed straw in mouth – you must not allow this to distract you from your studies.
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You may, dear reader, recall a few days ago I mentioned (click) during my internet outage knocking out a new ‘batch’ of postcards – simple collages on bright card using clippings from the awful British TV listings magazine What’s On TV. Well I have now got them all numbered and photographed – I don’t really know why I bother numbering them; I suppose it’s difficult to stop something that you have been doing for years and years – and now that I’m well into the four thousands it would be a bit silly to stop. I wonder where they all are, and how many have been kept by the recipients. What a strange preoccupation this is…
Anyway, yesterday I was sitting in the cafe with an artist friend of mine (I don’t have many artist friends) and I was holding my little camera up showing him the pictures of these cards – he did smile at one or two – but for me one of the cards stood out – I’m not sure why, but I thought that it was definitely the ‘best’. This is the one I will show you today:

Enigmatic isn’t it?
I must say here and now that I can’t take credit for the iterations of the chap’s arm and hand – that looked pretty weird as it was in the magazine advert before I’d done anything to it. This was I recall an ad for elastic waisted trousers for the older man (you get a lots of advertising aimed at old people in this magazine) and the multiple arms and legs are there to show the lovely range of colours that these pants come in. Hang on a minute, is that a ladies’ hand? Look at the fingernails. Perhaps these are ladies’ pants not chap’s? But then, it is a fairly strong-looking hand – now I’m completely confused!
Anyway, I looked through the pile of cuttings for something to add to the image – I didn’t think the female smile would work at first, but as soon as I slid it into place I thought it was perfect! See, even the skin tone matches the hands!
Tell you what, let’s have a competition!
I will send this card anywhere in the world to the person who in my opinion gives it, in the comments section, the best title – I expect subtlety and weirdness!… If you win you can send me your address privately via email.
Oh, isn’t this exciting!… I wonder if anyone will bother?

Posted in art, composition, cool, creation, humour, information, Mail Art, postcards, smiling, surrealism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Shadows lunged at me!…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: Belgravian, perthitic, whally, scalene, saxicavous, manducatory and snotty.
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I suppose a lot of people who live on their own watch TV as they eat their evening meal – maybe people who live with other people have the TV on as they eat too – it probably gives them something to look at and to fuel their conversation as they chomp away.
So, last night I microwaved my M&S bird curry, to add to my vegetable rich dish – I took it through to the living room and switched the TV on. Oh, look there’s another of those TV ‘ghost shows’ just starting – oops, I almost referred to them as ‘documentaries’ – they are certainly not documentaries. But hold on, this one, Ghosts in My Home, was on Freeview channel 68, TruTV – so it must be true!… Mind you, a suitably serious sounding voice comes on at the start and intones, ‘This program is for entertainment purposes only…’ But just a minute, doesn’t that undermine the whole point of the show? Why don’t they instead say, ‘This is all just made-up crap’?
The general format of these things is for worried haunted householders to get in touch with the producers and invite a camera crew and some ‘experts in the field of the supernatural’ to pop round and sort out their spooks for them – it’s also a chance for them to be on TV and do some ‘acting’ and ‘re-enacting’- a bit of close up sobbing into a hanky, and looking scared and wide-eyed in some darkened hallways… Hey Jim, best shoot this one with the lights off…
I jotted down some of the dialogue of the householders and the ‘experts’ for you dear reader in between mouthfuls of my tasty and nutritious meal:

The water was running for no reason – I heard something moving in the basement – I need to truly ground myself – my whole body was starting to shake – there was another presence in the house – goose bumps up and down my arms – an unhappy second spirit – it was like squeezing a J-Cloth – I can feel the emotion now – shadows lunged at me – to zero in on a grisly death – I’m very scared right now – I wake up with chills – driven out by a relentless flow of images – there was compelling evidence of paranormal activity – more than one ghost – I was left reeling – I hear footsteps upstairs – I don’t wanna be here – no person should endure it…

Please note: This blog is for entertainment purposes only.

Posted in adjectives, drama, food, humour, information, magic, observations, religion, seeing, sweating, TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Doom amongst the pipes…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected colours are: molecule mauve, yoicks yellow, bobbins brown, voluptuous violet, woolly white, and ripple red.
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Hm, I don’t know if it was something left over from Dulltown 2017 City of Culture or not, but there was, in the city centre yesterday, one of those pan pipe ensembles that blow their pipes along with a very loud thudding thumping pre-recorded drum and bass track. As I approached them I was pleased to notice that the music had just stopped (god, they were loud, it was echoing off the surrounding buildings) and the band were standing around having a well-earned mid-racket break for soft drinks, sandwiches and cigarettes.
Suddenly there came a loud noise bursting through their loudspeakers; it consisted of a string of colourful and ripe expletives delivered in rather coarse drunken English, it was soon joined by a series of cries in another tongue, possibly something native to the Andes.
I looked across to see two pan pipe players, still in their bright costumes, fighting with a scruffy looking grinning individual; they were trying to regain possession of one of their microphones; it was picking up the exchange and broadcasting it clearly to all the passers-by in the square. A good crowd was gathering around; they seemed to be enjoying the fracas more than they had the music, but that’s Dulltown City of Culture for you.
‘Gimme that fucking mic, you mean selfish tooting bastards!…’ Yes, it was Simon Doom, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, he then added, ‘Let me address the throng! My audience! My spoems (spoof poems) are a lot better than your insipid pan pipe shite!…’
After the police turned up and gave him a good talking to, and then let him go, he walked over and handed me a torn handwritten copy of the work he was attempting to communicate:

Trang, trang, trang, trang… Trang!
Carbonitty fruff dalm dalm pugnor, oh!
Bockitty, lom datty-datty clobfugs.
Fackle snage yem yem yem… Vrang…

Brang, brang, brang, brang… Brang?
Chuldrex spuxle lalm lalm snutfags, oh!
Tigwerms, a-lolli-lolli splights.
Fackle snage yom yom yom… Wrang…

Wrang, wrang, wrang, wrang… Wrang!
Cremdick flodger falm falm chummit, oh!
Zoopits, mallage oom-oom grithers.
Fackle snage yim yim yim… Brang…

Vrang, vrang, vrang, vrang… Vrang?
Cesserons vindats nalm nalm bloomoid, oh!
Hopsy, gurthmo alpy-alpy mudoids.
Fackle snage cha cha cha… Trang…

Simon Doom 2018.

Posted in colours, composition, drama, Dulltown, expletives, Hull.UK., humour, music, poetry, serendipity, style, surrealism, swearing, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Stella has new boots…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s combined insult and food is – You’re an arse omelette!…
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Landscape No. 87 (2005). Pencil on paper, probably about 24″ x 18″.

‘Oh, hello Stella. You’re early.’
‘No, I’m not! What time did you think I was coming David?’
‘Don’t call me David… Well, I didn’t know what time you were coming, but usually you…’
‘Well it doesn’t matter then, does it? I want tea – do you have nice sultana scones, and butter?’
‘No, no scones, I have butter though – you can have butter if you wish.’
‘Upon what?…’
‘Toast?’
‘As bloody if!… What the hell is this supposed to be?’
‘It’s supposed to be, a drawing Stella – it’s a strange drawing… Can I tempt you to a bourbon cream or two with your tea?’
‘So long as they’re not those awful cheap, out of ‘sell by’ date ones that you buy. What’s that big wedge-shaped, cheese-like thing, in the middle David – with the vents? Does it get warm?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘And what are all those big balls doing there?’
‘Here’s your tea you minx – be careful, the mug is full to the brim.’
‘Brim?’
‘Yes, brim.’
‘Is that the sun or the moon in your sky?’
‘What sky?’
‘Now you are being deliberately obtuse! Where are those bloody bourbons you mentioned?’
‘Here you are, you great fat gannet! You’d better drink some of that tea before try to dunk – see, look, it’s dripping onto the floor!’
‘What are those streaky frond things, they look like bits of Shredded Wheat – and what are those little pale disc-dots?’
‘Disc-dots? I don’t know Stella – I mean, what would be the point in doing a strange drawing, if you knew what everything in it was?…’
‘I suppose then, that if that round thing, in the sky – if that is the sky – is the sun…’
‘Yes?…’
‘Then the ‘X’ on the left might mark the place where the moon, used to be, before it was expunged.’
‘Moon expunged eh?’
‘Yes.’
‘No.’
‘No, what?’
‘The moon couldn’t have been there.’
‘Oh? And why not – you man of mystery?’
‘Because you never see the sun and the moon in the same part of the sky – you see, the sun lights up the moon and…’
‘Just shut up! I want more tea!’
‘So Stella, say, you were to mark my drawing out of a possible ten – after a bit of consideration, what would you give it?’
‘I’ll have some more bourbons too David, if you don’t mind… Hm… I’d give it eight-and-a-half.’
‘Eight-and-a-half out of ten? Really?’
‘Oh, yes. I think it’s lovely…’
‘Gosh… Oh, and by the way Stella…’
‘Yes?’
‘Are those new boots you have on?’
‘Yes, what of them?’
‘Very nice, I do love fluorescent green.’
‘Thank you David…’

Posted in art, composition, conversation, cool, creation, drama, drawing, green, humour, information, seeing, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Just a few short, but pithy items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s chance keyboard error is: President Chump.
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Excuses for being late. No. 366.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I found that my results were skewed.

A single overheard remark:
‘I’m physically in debt Barry…’

‘Are fascia boards named that because they face ya?’
‘That is correct. You are very astute.’
‘Yes, I have a qualification in astuteness…’
‘Hm, I suspected that you had…’

Today’s old record that it would be very cool to like is Warrior in Woolworths by X-Ray Spex. (W in W)

As I am getting close to finishing rereading a collection of Cordwainer Smith’s wonderfully strange science fiction stories from the mid 20th c., I have been on the look-out for something else to read; I popped into a cheapskate charity shop last week and poked around the bookshelves. Aha! One of those little Penguin ‘classic’ books (click) – it contained a couple of Ivan Turgenev‘s short stories. I don’t mind a bit of Russian literature now and again, but they do like to dwell on the dark side of things don’t they? Those Ruskies do love their misery! Dostoyevsky also is not the most cheery of writers. My favourite Russian writer is Vladimir Nabokov, he was downbeat, but still very witty; in one of his novels he playfully refers to Turgenev and Dostoyevsky as ‘Turgy’ and ‘Dusty’ – ho-ho!…
I’ll be sure to let you know how I get on with my new Turgy book.

How about a bit of spamming from my comments box? These two nice items seem to be from someone called Williaman:
Admit your shortfalls. Don’t make an attempt to deny that your website lacks its very own issues, because each and every site does. Remember when a person complains for your needs about a concern, understand the trouble and make steps to fix it. Letting the consumer to know you understand them, without obtaining defensive, is the best way to not merely repair website concerns, and also, to acquire guest have confidence in.
And:
If you’re discovering yourself less than plenty of anxiety usually, try out arranging your entire day. If you intend every day out, you wont need to bother about considering precisely what do following. Or maybe if you’re already doing this and so are nonetheless emphasised, perform opposite and check out and wing it on a daily basis. Find the correct method involving arranging and winging it that works for you.
Well Williaman, thank you for getting touch. Your words have moved me deeply and I will be putting a cheque in the post for you first thing tomorrow morning. Do have a lovely day!

Yes, I’m thinking of changing my name to Angkor Whatt.

A single overheard remark:
‘The sink is a drain!… The sink is a drain!…’

Posted in books, celebrities, conversation, cool, Dulltown, existentialism, history, humour, information, instruction, music, overheard, reading, serendipity, style, surrealism, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Snapped on the train…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s elephant in the room is the one annoying everyone by doing Fanfare for the Common Man by Aaron Copland through her trunk. (FFTCM)
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Here’s a picture I took, oh, it was at least a year ago – I am that far behind in sharing my snaps with you dear reader.
This is an uneasy composition isn’t it? Almost everything, all the interesting (if ‘interesting’ is the right word) stuff, is happening at each side with not much in the middle. This is one of my, Shall I bother taking this, or not? pictures.
I was sitting waiting on a train in Paragon Railway Station, or perhaps Hull Paragon Interchange, as it now is, here in Dulltown. ‘Paragon’ – what a funny name for a station? I don’t know how it came to be called that! Oh, I just looked it up for you – it was named after the nearby Paragon Street – doh! But that just kicks the can down the road as they say – so, who would name a street ‘Paragon’?
Aha! Some more research – the street took its name from an 18th c. inn that used to be there – ‘Paragon’ is quite a good name for a pub! Fancy a quick pint down the Paragon? Phew! I’m glad we’ve got all that sorted out!
Now then, where was I?…
Yes, there I was, sitting, waiting for the train to zoom me off to the city of Leeds (L) about an hour away to the north-west. Ten minutes to go… I looked around the empty carriage and… Oh, look at that… I wonder if… Click!…
It’s what one might call a very quick, but slow burning, delayed action, sort of photograph. As we in the West tend to view images the same way that we read, that is from left to right, the first thing we encounter is that window filled with blueness, which includes a large letter ‘B’ in a red box and a yellow oblong thing – pretty dull stuff! I wonder why the photographer bothered to… Good God! Who’s that on the right?… See what I mean about a quick, but at the same time, delayed action composition?
As to why the chap has his face on the side of the next train along I don’t know – for me he has the look of an actor about him – maybe he’s advertising some arty event, or perhaps a play somewhere?
This picture is possibly a bit boring, but I think it was worthwhile snapping – I have seen far worse photographs…

Posted in advertising, archeology, art, composition, creation, Dulltown, history, Hull.UK., information, music, observations, photography, puzzle, seeing, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments