Just a few titchy items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s expletive is Sbud! – a rather nice condensed form of S’Blood! or God’s Blood! I think I might try to slip Sbud into all of my conversations today.

Excuses for being late. No. 310.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I seem to have mislaid my fragment of the true cross.

A single overheard remark:
‘I saw saxophrage on the shop floor…’

If the people running the BBC really want to attract more viewers and listeners to their news bulletins, perhaps instead of giving the daily stock market prices and currency exchange rates, they should feature the cost and best current deals on: supermarket lager, cannabis, take-away pizza, snack food, and similar popular items?

An observation:
Four schoolgirls walking through the bus station: they all had long straight light brown hair hanging more than a foot down their backs, the four lengths were virtually identical. Perhaps the girls are engaged in a long running hair growing competition?

‘You know, you definitely have a very nice way with worms…’
‘Oh, yes, words!… Of course…’

I suppose it is an attempt at ‘clever and innovative’ design…
The saucers they have in Costa Coffee shops are a bit wider than normal and have the circular depression where the cup sits placed off to one side; I suppose it is so that there is space for you to place a biscuit or some other small item of confectionery alongside your beverage instead of bothering with a separate plate; but then, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone take advantage of this feature. Picking up one’s cup and having a drink is fine, but when one is putting one’s cup back on the saucer, one inevitably tends to subconsciously aim for the centre of the white circular shape off to one side of your vision, especially if you are engaged in reading, or even writing something – clunk, tilt, coffee turbulence, possible spillage, expletive…

Yes, I’m thinking of changing my name to Lee King-Pype.

A single overheard remark:
‘No, Paul, you do not thin the atmosphere…’

Posted in cafe, conversation, cool, design, Dulltown, existentialism, expletives, Hull.UK., humour, information, observations, overheard, serendipity, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Some parts of an overheard and misheard cafe conversation…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s china teapot is the one shaped like the House of Lords. (H of L)

So, I was sitting in the cafe late yesterday afternoon with my little notebook and pen on the table in front of me; I was thinking that I should be writing something interesting and witty to go in these pages of mine. Unfortunately I was completely un-mused, and nothing pithy was springing to mind. I decided to just listen to the hubbub of the room and write down yet another edition of my Snatches of Overheard and Misheard Cafe Conversation; it’s always a good stand-by when I have no ideas bubbling. I picked up my book and pen, had a gulp of very nice green tea, and made my ears receptive.
Unfortunately the cafe was unusually empty and the only conversation I could make out over the general sounds and the music from the loudspeakers was that from a couple of people hunched over a nearby table.
So, today’s post will feature slightly blurred fragments from a single conversation – gosh, I hope that they don’t happen to come across this online…

Sarah was all over me! – menial fresh meat – to Mike, the sixteenth guy! – that’s where you broke if off? – you are a stronger person now – tell me your offer, from now on – I don’t want somebody else! – it’s all over Facebook now! – it’s alright you laughing! – a lot of pressure off your mind – any mad gorgeous?… – I do think I like him more than do know – easy arms? – furry nuff! – some people have got a grinder! – idiots I have to deal… – I must show you them anyway – yes, I do know about hell! – a tall one? – no, no, no! – he lived, worked, level… – are you afraid? – I like that! – anyway black and white, two strand! – a farm, on a date? I’d try it – I need a clear head, my mobile’s ringing – it’s Gordon – Danny, it’s all my numbers – to go down first?… – mud fight nun? – but I know, I know! – hang on, no sane message – everyone has dark curtains – peak time number? – I want real life now! – your friend on water, he’s nice! – John, see, watch it together! – I’m not into Turkish – oh, you want to go here? – he used another friend – stupid job, we are fun people! – I think with a remnant Tony – Morris who? I love it all! – where was you then? – then Karl came in with a bottle – then with that I beamed off – I don’t trust anyone! – you are not there! – I wanna conifer, me and you – keep the peas, make sure, you know? – gonna be hard now – you lot, do you know what? – a landscape? – I do trust miners – a real good laugh – we don’t involve, me or Cathy – Facebook, loads-a-times I feel close… – blah blah, was interested in frenzy – I’m not that kind – I’ll not give up my tank – how old I was! – I was eggs up! – I know, ho ho ho…


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Thanks for coming…

But first…
Dulltown UK: Today’s Sir Arthur Conan Doyle quotation is from The Adventure of the Illustrious Client:
Both Holmes and I had a weakness for the Turkish bath. It was over a smoke in the pleasant lassitude of the drying-room that I have found him less reticent and more human than anywhere else…
I asked him whether anything was stirring, and for answer he had shot his long, thin, nervous arm out of the sheets which enveloped him and had drawn an envelope from the inside pocket of the coat which hung beside him.
“It may be some fussy, self-important fool; it may be a matter of life or death,” said he as he handed me the note.

dscn4287Dulltown, UK: Yes this, as you well know by now, is how I start my daily blog post – the place I live is actually Kingston Upon Hull (‘Hull’ being the name of the river, Kingston (King’s Town) being the place upon the river), a city in the East Riding of Yorkshire, commonly known just as Hull. So, why do I constantly refer to the place as Dulltown?
Well, I don’t know really; perhaps it is because I hate the idea of being proud of the place you happen to have been born – it is like being proud of your race, or being proud of being tall, or fat, or proud of having a large moustache. These generally are just things which are thrust on us, that we have had no part or choice in, apart from getting fat, or growing an enormous moustache of course, but each to their own; we are all just humans after all, and we can do good things which we can be proud of, but perhaps we shouldn’t be going around with t-shirts printed with things like, ‘ull and Proud!, or Fuck off we’re from ‘ull! or Hull’s not shit anymore! (I quite like the irony of that one). So, I suppose referring to the place ‘Dulltown’ is me just trying to distance myself from all that civic pride nonsense, it’s just an ordinary town, like any other in Britain.

What about this photo then Dave?
Well Dulltown, er, Hull, has for some reason been chosen to be the UK City of Culture 2017. Currently millions of pounds are being spent on digging up and renewing the pavements and pedestrian areas in the whole of the city centre as part of the preparations for the year of festivities. It is taking a full year to complete; the city centre is a giant noisy dusty building site, fenced off with thousands of orange plastic barriers, there are temporary ramps, narrow walkways, trucks and diggers moving about, busy hi-vis jackets, hardhats, and general confusion everywhere.
So, as I was trying to navigate to my favourite cafe (the available routes change almost daily) one day last March, my eye was caught by this interesting montage – I liked the way that they had put up a large image of the City Hall printed on plastic in line with the front of the actual City Hall. It was one of those, Oh look, shall I take a picture of this? moments.
I did. Click!… Thanks for coming… You’re welcome!
What about the composition? I think it’s alright, and that red and white ‘no entry’ sign on the right does balance the bright orange plastic stuff in the foreground nicely, don’t you think? It’s not an ‘easy on the eye’ composition, but I do quite like it, and it pretty well sums up the feel of the city at the moment…

Posted in art, books, colours, composition, Dulltown, expletives, Hull.UK., humour, information, observations, photography, seeing, serendipity, style, writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A sharp-edged linocut 2016…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s special adjectives are: curly, afflated, aeruginous, orgulous, zigzaggy, rabbity, and stertorous. Hm, I think zigzaggy is probably the best one out of this bunch – it doesn’t sound like a real word does it? It’s like something a cute child might make up…

w-f-dscn4634-version-twoHere’s another fairly recent linoprint of mine; as usual it is on nice (roughly A4 size) thin Japanese paper and printed in lovely dense black Speedball oil-based ink.
Jagged isn’t it? Would you say zigzaggy? Probably not, it is jagged, but not quite zigzaggy enough to confidently apply the term… Crunchy is a good word – but no, I don’t think so – crunchy implies that you could throw a handful of blueberries and nuts on it, splash on some cold milk straight out of the fridge, and have it as a breakfast cereal… Hm, you know, I’m starting to feel a bit peckish…
What do you think of the sky? Is it a sky at all? Who knows? If it was, it would seem to be full of midnight crystalline snowflakes – perhaps this could do as this year’s Christmas card?
And what about those rectangular notches in the ends of the, of those, angular bent things? What on earth can they be for? Ah, perhaps you see them as mouths – yes, that’s what they are! I hadn’t realised until now – they are mouths!…
I expect some smart-arse arty person will suggest that I am depicting the first curious molecules of life arising and poking their little heads out from the primordial mud, with the stars sparkling in the sky above, predicting life’s inevitable move into the far reaches of deep space, and the eventual…
Oh, I’m fed up with this! I think I have typed enough twaddle about this for the time being…

Posted in art, brain, composition, creation, design, dreaming, fine art prints, humour, information, lino cut printing, lino printing, seeing, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Uncle Dave’s Guitar Club – Amp Chat…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s unusual pencil sharpener is the one shaped like the end of a bad dream.

So, guitar amplifiers – have you ever wondered what all the shiny knobs at the top on the front do? It usually says on them, or above them, or below them, things like: ‘gain’, ‘dist’, ‘volume’, ‘bass’, ‘middle’, ‘treble, ‘tremolo or vibrato’ and occasionally ‘presence’. I do like the sound of that last one.
The knob is really just another treble control that adds some extra highs in the frequencies – I wonder who first thought of naming it ‘presence’? Perhaps they thought that it made the instrument sound ‘nearer’ to you, more present – that’s what I always assumed it meant. Hm… generally something is either present, or it isn’t; but I quite like the idea of having a knob that controls the amount of it – sort of ‘not in the room at all’, through ‘just lurking in the doorway’, up to ‘here I am right in front of you, in yer face’.
I suppose the opposite of ‘presence’ might be the knobs usually placed on the far right of the panel – the ‘reverb’ knobs; they add reverberation to your sound and produce an effect like playing in a large room or even an echoing hall; it really is nice, and is also very flattering to your playing. By the way, when uncouth people (musicians) mention reverb they usually pronounce it as RE-verb – hm, this annoys me! I always say reVERB as it is short for reVERBeration. (It’s a bit like people pronouncing the word research as RE-search because they think it sounds cooler and more American.) I mean, you wouldn’t say RE-verberation would you? Oh, but maybe you would…
But let’s go back to knob talk – I like knobs. I fancy making, well not actually making, perhaps adapting an amplifier by carefully putting new words on the knobs – rather like they did in that fine film This is Spinal Tap (1984) where all the knobs go up to 11 rather than the usual 10 – oh, how we laughed!
No, the knobs on my special amplifier would be there to adjust: ’emotion’, ‘irony’, ‘humour’, ‘passion’, ‘sensitivity’, taste’, and ‘expression’. What do you think?
‘Hey Dave…’
‘You know that bit where you do your second long solo in It Hurts Me Too?’
‘Yes, what about it?’
‘Could you put a bit more into it? It’s sounding a bit limp and insubstantial…’
‘Oh?… Is it?… I hadn’t spotted that.’
‘Well it is…’
‘Okay, I’ll turn the ‘irony’ knob on the amp down to 2, and stick the ‘passion’ and ’emotion’ up to 8 or 9… Alright?’
‘Yeah, that should do it… Let’s run through the bloody thing one more time… Wake up everybody… One, two, three…’

Posted in blues, cool, Film, guitars, humour, information, irony, music, observations, surrealism, Uncategorized, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Doom and the black marker…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s colours are: rhubarb red, periwinkle blue, vulgar violet, morbid mauve, yelling yellow, and gnarled green.

I rarely watch the local news on the TV, I find it a bit parochial, but as I was flicking channels yesterday evening I spotted that they were showing a photograph of a face that was familiar to me, it was in black and white, was grinning, and had staring mad eyes. Yes, sure enough, there he was, it was Simon Doom, poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League.
The newsreader said that Doom had been taken into custody in the early hours of the previous morning, he was allegedly roaring drunk and was being generally loud and abusive in the city centre – nothing unusual there for Dulltown city centre, but what caught the eye of the constables was that he was writing something on the pale stone of the Corinthian columns of the Dulltown City Hall using a thick black marker pen. It later turned out that was writing out the verses of a spoem (‘spoof poem’) in protest at the rejection of his application for funding for a surrealist poetry event during the forthcoming Dulltown UK City of Culture 2017.
When asked by the magistrate why he had written on the pillars of the City Hall he looked very surprised and then replied with a grin that he must have been slighlty confused at the time and he thought that it was actually the Guildhall, ‘Where all those ****ing arts administrators hang out Your Honour…’
Doom phoned me this morning and insisted on dictating his spoem to me so that, now that it had been scrubbed off the pillars, I could share it online, ‘…where, somewhere in this bloody world, somebody, might appreciate it!…’

Fleng stidge wallum taik fonnig banjo,
Mimberdahl fam-fam gorpe thethno!
Yammalow wallum speekapat mulk,
Arts administrator bastards!
Ninnsie scince nemtag oozette…

Fleng pocker-pocker munk tarpie banjo,
Bubbuh pimso mattle gorpe onedo!
Chooda mogda bigna podger aps,
Arts administrator bastards!
Terreal abstrung melladiddle…

Fleng amalapet jook planck-bob banjo,
Shoo-a-daggy dommit mithgorp gom!
Kydra opdrome quelm-sut bendu,
Arts administrator bastards!
Urumba zib-zib yollidge trenterly…

Fleng gorpe, fleng gorpe, fleng gorpe, banjo,
Tokamak bolbill zoid gorpe tupner!
Voot collum feddle whud semptation,
Arts administrator bastards!
Abstrang zoid abstrang zoid abstrang zoid…

Speldix zoltz pygsta pheg banjo,
Whird boin stackle gorpe ptomtot!
Abbabib poishy pundrol secker-secker,
Arts administrator bastards!
Stanker stanker stanker ovenile chull!

Simon Doom 2016.

Posted in art, brain, colours, composition, drama, Dulltown, Hull.UK., humour, mind, money, surrealism, swearing, words, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

The man on the folded back vinyl…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s existential angst is centred around the sound of the word batholith.

dscn4277Right then, before I start screwing those expensive soundproofing plasterboards onto the wall (well, the newly arrived people in the flat to the left are just a bit too loud and vocally demonstrative for me, and they also seem rather keen on developing the art of emotional door slamming) I think I’d better squirt some expanding foam into those voids between the joists and the brick wall.
Now, come on Dave, peel the vinyl floor covering back to give access to the bottom of the wall – oh it does flop and spring about doesn’t it? What I don’t want to do is to kneel on the fold and crack it – what I need is something to gently weight it down, how about a nice heavy book from the nearby bookshelf? Ah, this will do nicely, it’s an impressive 2 inches thick! Right, let’s get squirting – churrrrrr… churrrrr… churrrrr… Good! That should be fine, I’ll leave that to bubble up for a while…
Hang on, who is that chap staring up at me? He doesn’t look too happy does he? Perhaps I’ll find out who he is before I pack my tools away…
Doh! Isn’t that annoying! Nowhere on the cover does it say what the cover painting is – they usually do don’t they? But not this time… There are 1001 paintings in this book… I really would like to know who this chap is now that I’ve noticed him, perhaps I should just flick through at random – no Dave that’s silly, a thousand and one paintings, it would take for ever! Perhaps I could guess at the date, that might help. The work looks, oh, 17th c. to me… Hm, no… Later perhaps?… No… I getting fed up with this!
You can’t give up now, pick a suitable artist from the index then. How about Goya – he does look a bit Goya-ish doesn’t he? No, no, not Goya… Hm… How about, oh what’s his name… er, Caravaggio?  Aha! Page 203! There he is! Wonderful! But it’s not a chap, it’s a woman – it’s the Head of Medusa 1598! She’s in the Uffizi gallery, Florence, or even Firenze if you like. (Funny how one country has different names for cities in another country – ‘Londres’ etc. You’d think that they’d respect the original version wouldn’t you?) I see they’ve cropped her down a bit for the cover so you can’t see her snakes… Good, I’m glad that is sorted out…
Mm, she does look a bit strange down there on the floor, maybe I’ll take a quick photo of her next to all that mucky stuff…
(H of M)

Posted in art, books, composition, existentialism, history, humour, information, learning, painting, photography, puzzle, serendipity, surrealism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments