‘Hammered against their natural curve…’

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s instruction is to lay it out flat on a level outdoor area, such as a lawn, smear something sticky and sweet around its perimeter to attract the insects, take your clothes off, and skip about in the middle humming a catchy tune – you may, if you wish, keep your socks on.

It’s a drab slim unremarkable looking volume, but it is packed full with household tips and useful things to make. Yes, it’s that old junk shop book of mine, The 1954 Gadgets Annual compiled by W. N. Shaw:

DSCN3900Those were the days, not long after World War II when times were hard and people skimped and saved, when things were repaired rather than being thrown away, and if you needed an item for the house or garden you didn’t go out and buy one, you went out to your garden shed and made one yourself. You could also regularly subscribe to the popular Gadgets Magazine to see what exiting things other thrifty folk had been up to…
Let’s have a quick flick through these yellowing pages to get an idea of the things on offer: Small Gaskets For Every Job, How to Colour Code Your Workshop Equipment, Use a Penholder as a Modelling Knife, Threading a Needle With Wool (the bachelor’s way!), A Self-Lighting Screwdriver, A Compact String Cutter…
Let us have a look at page 90:

DSCN4354‘Albert… Albert!… Albert!…’
‘Oh, hello dear…’
‘What the… what in heaven’s name are you doing? Do you know what time it is?’
‘Er, well Madge, it’s just coming up to a quarter past eleven, but, I think my watch might have gained a minute or so since I… What are you doing up dear? I thought that you’d gone to bed.’
‘Well Albert, I had, but there was something that caught my attention.’
‘Oh?… What was that?’
‘Well, it was a very loud bang bang bang, banging noise echoing around the house!’
‘Ah, that would be me… You see you can easily rejuvenate tired springs by…’
‘Albert, what is that… on my clean kitchen table?’
‘Ah it’s the spring out of my bicycle pump, I was just…’
‘It’s oily!’
‘Well yes, a little bit oily, but…’
‘Yes dear?’
‘Come to bed… right now! I have something that I want you to do for me…’
‘Ah… right…’
‘Can’t I just pop this spring back into the…? It’ll only take a minute…’
‘No Albert!… Come along… Now!…’


Posted in archeology, history, humour, information, instruction, science | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Mail Art Postcard No. 4527…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s quotation is from Jean-Paul Sartre’s novel Nausea (1938):
I withdraw my hand, I put it in my pocket. But straight away, through the material, I feel the warmth of my thigh. I promptly make my hand jump out of my pocket; I let it hang against the back of the chair. Now I feel its weight at the end of my arm. It pulls a little, not very much, gently, softly, it exists.

…and after that, I think we should have a look at one of my mail art postcards:

WP F 4527Yes, a simple collage on fluorescent card using snippets from that awful TV listings magazine What’s On TV.
It’s says it’s a TOP Real Life PICK, I don’t know what that means, but I do seem to recognise the chap on the left, I’m pretty sure he is a member of the British Royal Family, I try not to follow such trivia, but I think he might be His Royal Highness The Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Earl of Chester, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter… or, as I once accidentally referred to him, Chince Prarles.
I expect that posh and very happy lady to the right is his current wife – I’m afraid I can’t recall her name – good hat though, or is that her hair?…

‘Good morning Your Royal Highness, and which persona will you be adopting today? Lord of the Isles perhaps?…’
‘Just shut up and get my bloody tea and toast, you peasant!…’

Posted in advertising, art, books, brain, existentialism, fashion, humour, information, Mail Art, postcards, reading, serendipity, surrealism, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

One or two short items…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s random dictionary words are: flote, floccus, floscule, flota, flittern, flimp, and basipetal.
Please have these words looked up and placed in suitable sentences ready for Professor Mouldie first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning. Before the lesson, all fingernails will be examined by Mrs Mouldie and points will be awarded or deducted at her discretion.

Excuses for being late. No. 303.
I’m sorry I’m late, but I had chimps hanging on my rafters.

A single overheard remark:
‘She had intimate red…’

I was at school with Pablo Picasso, he was very nice, in geometry class he used to lend me his French curves… (FC)

Yesterday in the art gallery there was an old chap complaining to one of the attendants about a bee buzzing round the paintings. I heard him say that he was worried in case it set off one of the alarms. I think the old fellow was just a bit lonely and wanted someone to talk to – that’ll be me in a year or two…

Yes, I’m thinking of changing my name to Hugh Jimpact.

‘So, what did you do today?’
‘Well, I sat for a couple of hours listening to other people’s conversations and their phone calls, smelling their perfume and their aftershave, watching them eat snack food from bright packets and drink liquids from tins, observing their inadequate child rearing skills and…’
‘Ah, you’ve been on a train journey then?’

Now then, what’s this? Ah, it’s a piece of spam just arrived in my comments box; it seems to be from someone called Wholesale Jerseys:
may offer them free gifts as well as gifts to your regular visitor. He was very / New England Patriots. Wes Welker / New York Jets, Shonn Green / Denver Broncos, Champ Sports Conference members. One team was would build for themselves. The tone can set with a reaction to just one play. “well,
Well, thank you Wholesale Jerseys I will certainly bear in mind what you have said, and I hope to hear from you again soon.

‘So, how was the bus journey?’
‘It was fine… except maybe for the old chap sitting opposite.’
‘Yes, every few minutes he looked around the bus and whispered, ‘Strange… strange…’
‘To himself?’

A single overheard remark:
‘I might have run to you getting off Brian…’

Posted in brain, conversation, dreaming, Dulltown, existentialism, food, Grumpiness, Hull.UK., humour, information, misheard, observations, overheard, people, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A pause in the design…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s zebra is the spotted one.

DSCN4614So anyway, about six or seven months ago I decided, in a rare burst of optimism, that I really should do some more lino printing; I opened an A4 drawing pad, popped a piece of lino on a clean page, and drew round it with a pen. I put the pad with the rectangle showing on the kitchen table so that I would see it every day in passing to encourage me to make a start. Well, I have glanced at it every day and, of course, I have ignored it.
However, (isn’t ‘however’ a useful word?) – however, yesterday for some unknown reason I picked it up, and in between mouthfuls of tinned mackerel on toast, with an ancient episode of Time Team playing on the TV, I started to do some faint (and easily erasable) doodling and sketching of some ideas to go on it.
I fancied having crisp black and white stripes – I had recently seen online a very nice Edward Wadsworth print of a ‘dazzle camouflage‘ WWII ship. I soon sorted out a design, mine would be a sort of strange ‘landscape’, and I began filling in the black areas with 8B pencilsĀ  (8B pencils are the equivalent of 82% cocoa in the world of chocolate!)
I think what I’ll do when the design is done is to tape it to the lino with a piece of carbon paper under it and transfer it through with a ballpoint pen – the final image when printed will of course be reversed, but after holding the paper up to the light and looking at the back, I reckon the image will work equally well either way round.
As my neighbour was about to visit to drill holes in some pieces of metal in my little workshop, and later watch a documentary with me about crazy religious people searching for the Ark of the Covenant, I paused in my shading and put the pad and the pencils on the old wooden chair by the window.
Oh, look, that’s nice… my half-done stripes seem to relate to the vertical slats on the back of the chair – perhaps a photo might be a good idea – then I can post it on my blog and write some guff about it in the morning…
It’s a nice chair isn’t it, it’s old, but not valuable, I think it might be American – I keep seeing similar ones on US TV detective shows – you get fat sweaty tobacco-chewing Southern Sheriffs lolling in them, and they seem popular in courtrooms for the jurors at murder trials to sit on…
I’ll be sure to show you one of these prints when they are done.

Posted in art, composition, creation, design, drawing, humour, information, photography, prints, seeing, serendipity, style, surrealism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Some song lyrics misheard over the cafe hubbub…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s elephant in the room is the one playing Fly Me to the Moon on the grand piano with his trunk.

‘Fasten my twelve girl.’
‘Snow snow, woe woe…’
‘I’m gonna tell down above me…’
‘Snicky people down… down…’
‘Who’s that pulling girl now?’
‘Oh, oh, just like great nature’s sledge.’
‘Ne-ee, se-ee, comin’ from, comin’ from.’
‘Oh, mind my nose girl!…’
‘Glove you, trouble towels, I don’t know how to.’
‘New York is away from me.’
‘I got a steam roll girl, believe in food.’
‘Who be my darning? Yeah, now all full knee peeping.’
‘Just love me one cup of milk.’
‘Oh dear I cheated you wrong, I’m bleedin’ on the phone.’
‘Whoo-oo-oo… Now I guess I’m changey, wha wha!…’
‘Dry view way, with George and Brenda.’
‘Farms… a sigh, a sigh, eyes wide as a window.’
‘So nice pong darkness in!’
‘Long dime a day under de covers.’
‘Corkscrew damn you, damn you!’
‘A silver feel me under hairy lovers.’
‘Let style time to be, to be-ee…’
‘Heavy curtains deep deep home again…’
‘Hello, my ass on the ground again…’
‘You heart-cloud honey-face…’

Posted in art, brain, cafe, cool, dreaming, existentialism, humour, information, misheard, music, poetry, serendipity, sex, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

From the cafe window…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected adjectives are: sloping, harmonic, muzzy, sthenic, mnemonical, and fruity.

DSCN4271So, there you are, sitting in the cafe sipping at a hot cup of tea and slicing thin sticky rectangles off a Belgian chocolate brownie with a knife, when you look up at, and through the window and think, Gosh Dave, what a visual feast of superimposed detail and colour! Perhaps a quick photograph might be in order? I’d better try to keep the camera very steady, there’s not much light and we don’t want it to be blurred do we? I think I’ll hold the camera very firmly and rest both of my elbows on the table…
This was a day back in February around five in the afternoon – just look at that super glowing colour in the evening sky! Some of those bright lights are outside and real, some are reflections of the interior cafe lights, and you can see a reflected column and some of the nice plaster work on the ceiling too (the cafe is in a fine old building that used to be a branch of the Yorkshire Bank), and see, a couple of advertising boards hanging up behind the counter are seemingly suspended on their wall in mid-air out there in the square.
‘But Dave, what was all that orange plastic stuff running across the bottom of the scene?’ I hear you ask. Well, those were the barriers to stop people from falling into all the holes that the Dulltown Council were digging in order to, for some reason, repave the whole of the city centre, install fountains, and plant some trees ready for Dulltown – UK City of Culture 2017. By the way, where are we now? Oh yes, August. All those barriers are still there, and they will be there for the rest of this year – also, I hear that all these works might not be ready for the start of the year of culture – still, what do I care?…
Culture… Bah… humbug!…

Posted in architecture, art, cafe, colours, composition, Dulltown, Grumpiness, history, Hull.UK., humour, information, photography, seeing, serendipity, surrealism, words | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments