Guess what’s on the wall opposite…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s dance is the Milonga – Come on Stella, let’s milonga round the kitchen… Oops!… Hey, mind that pan of mushroom soup simmering on the stove!…

‘Did I hear somewhere that you have an art gallery in your house?’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes, I think I did… Have you?’
‘I’ve seen your house, it’s quite small, I…’
‘You’re thinking that my house is a bit titchy to have an art gallery in it?’
‘As a matter of fact I was thinking that.’
‘You see, I collect only small works.’
‘What do you mean by “Ah…”?’
‘Oh, nothing…’
‘I am rather selective in the pieces that I buy…’
‘Do you have anything by anyone I might have heard of?’
‘It depends…’
‘On of whom I might have heard?’
‘Yes, and very nicely put, if I may say so.’
‘Thank you – you collect within a narrow range then?’
‘Yes, I do, that is correct…’
‘This is a slow business isn’t it?’
‘I’d say almost glacial in its velocity… I collect art works by very famous people.’
‘Oh, you must spend a lot of money on this… Got any Picassos?’
‘Jasper Johns?’
‘Piero della Francescas?’
‘I’ve heard of those, you see.’
‘I see… I’m not surprised… Have you heard of someone called Adolph Hitler?’
‘Of course, everyone has heard of him!’
‘I didn’t know he was an artist… as well as a drug-addled Fascist psychopath.’
‘Oh, but he was, he was a painter.’
‘Was he any good?’
‘No, he was pretty shite.’
‘Pretty shite eh? I’m quite relieved to hear it.’
‘He did a lot of unimaginative landscapes and paintings of posh houses in watercolour. I have one of those.’
‘Gosh indeed. Can you guess what I have on my gallery wall opposite my Hitler?’
‘I’m afraid not.’
‘You could easily guess. Go on, have a go.’
‘Oh, alright, a Heinrich Himmler pastel, of a bowl of petunias?’
‘Did Himmler paint too?’
‘I have no idea, but I’ll bet he was very good at dashing off a quick swastika or two, with either hand.’
‘Anyway, no, not Heinrich, have another go.’
‘Ah, I know – you have a Winston Churchill!’
‘Is it nicely done?’
‘Not particularly.’
‘Better than Adolph though?’
‘Not really.’
‘This is all most interesting, I suppose you could call the walkway down the gallery between the two paintings ‘The Channel’…’
‘No… I don’t think so…’
‘Oh alright… So, what else to you have in your collection?’
‘I have a pretty badly thrown earthenware glazed mug by Joseph Stalin.’
‘What colour?’
‘Oh really , I didn’t expect that!’
‘No?… I have a small monochrome lino print by Mussolini, it’s a bit scorched and yellowed on the left-hand side.’
‘That’s interesting.’
‘No it isn’t… I do have a turned maple pepper grinder, thought to have been made by President Charles de Gaulle. in his teens, it was done at night class.’
‘It’s not really a work of art though is it?’
‘No, I don’t actually have it on display – I keep it in the bottom drawer of my plan chest.’
‘Your plan chest… Do you plan much?’
‘All the time, everyone should plan.’
‘What are you planning at the moment?’
‘Getting a second piece of work by President Trump.’
‘A second piece?’
‘Yes, when the first one arrived my wife opened it, looked at it, and ripped it up thinking it was by a young child, and that someone had sent it to me as a prank. It was done in red and yellow crayon on the back of a piece of cardboard from a cereal packet.’
‘Isn’t ‘prank’ a jolly good word?’
‘Yes, indeed, it’s a very good word…’

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in art, conversation, drama, history, humour, information, style, surrealism, words and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Guess what’s on the wall opposite…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    Oh Dave…you don’t see the bars, do you? And the biggest threat to the world (and Hull, the cultural capitol) is the American President……wow. I shall inform him forthwith. I shall also alert the media to the fact that he’s been selling his artwork to foreigners so that impeachment proceedings can begin immediately (accepting funds from foreign nations is a “no-no”)…..because that best friends with Putin thing didn’t fly.

  2. Claudia says:

    Thanks to you I’ve learned about two new artists!

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