Mayonnaise on the wall…

But first…
Dulltown, UK: Today’s carefully selected colours are: veal violet, ravioli red, broccoli beige, omelette orange, toast turquoise, fricassee fawn, and pumpernickel pink.

On Friday lunchtime I was trying to cross the road outside the Dulltown Central Library, I was heading for Home Bargains, when a coarse voice attracted my attention with, ‘Hoy!… Hoy… You!… You in the trendy Converse All Star footwear!’
I abandoned my attempt to cross against the red lights and looked around to see, sitting on the low wall by the library steps, that ne’er do-well poet from the glory days of the Hull Surrealist League, Tony Mayonnaise. He beckoned me with a dirty and tobacco stained forefinger, ‘I need a bit of advice, you are just the dude! How very serendipitous!’
I joined him on his wall. On his knee he had what looked like a wad of smallish pieces of paper that had been roughly ripped down from photocopied A4 sheets. He spoke: ‘What’s the best glue for sticking things in books, old pal?’
‘What? Things like those slips of paper?’ I enquired, pointing at them.
‘Yes indeed…What about my using a little bottle of paste, or gum?’ he said.
‘No,’ I said, ‘far too messy, the pages of the book would surely end up stuck together. What you need is Pritt.
‘Of course,’ he responded, ‘I’ll go and steal a stick of it this afternoon!’
‘Right ho,’ I said, ‘there’s a stationers over there, just past the sandwich shop.’
He grunted.
‘Anyway, what are you doing?’ I enquired.
Mayo went on to explain that he was going to pop into the library and stick a dozen or two copies of his latest spoem (spoof poem) into some of their books – only the intelligent and erudite works though, they were not going in any of the riff-raff novels. As I got up to leave he asked if I’d like to help him with the sticking. I said that unfortunately I didn’t have time, as I had left a soufflé doing in the oven. He gave me one his spoem slips and said that I should stick it ‘somewhere suitable’…

Clickspot dandermuff forcenet?
Lemonessence a jumpdock dankloaf.
Terrordue capsort letterum…
Letterspite letterflow, a letterhyme.
Pugrule garbageon balloonate, no!

Shirtage mountsack bagiron?
Shelfold a thymegg vulturel.
Jovialane hairpeace porkloon…
Porkatoll porkshrub, a porkrhyme.
Pugrule dangerooze sweatero, no!

Manateepot pickjaw tramsteak?
Mouldenter a pedalunison fishduck.
Gunbiscuit devilester moonlog…
Moonstun moonache, a moonrhyme.
Pugrule buttondick hootblock, no!

Tony Mayonnaise. 2018.

About Dave Whatt

Grumpy old surrealist artist, musician, postcard maker, bluesman, theatre set designer, and debonair man-about-town. My favourite tools are the plectrum and the pencil...
This entry was posted in abstract, books, colours, conversation, Dulltown, Hull.UK., humour, information, poetry, serendipity, style, surrealism, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Mayonnaise on the wall…

  1. Dana Doran says:

    oh yes, buttondick hootblock’s need not apply! Highnessyear happywishing youanew?

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